Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Dead Ringer


In the past few days alone, my brother has been stopped on the street eight times by breathless fans insisting he looks exactly like Robert Downey Jr. The best one occurred on Saturday when a severely drunk man in a rainbow sequined vest stumbled up to us wheezing, "Oh...my...god! You look just like....oh man, what's his name? He had, like, a severe drug problem."

After we guessed correctly, the man explained that people always tell him he looks like Nick Nolte (he did), and he gets really offended.

Who do people say you look like? Is it a more flattering comparison than Nick Nolte?

Deep Down, We're All Mad Libbers

Finally, after many requests and many cold, lonely nights, Fashion Mad Libs is back!

In case you're new to Daddy Likey, Fashion Mad Libs is the most self-explanatory feature ever, in which I callously steal a fashion-related blurb from a respectable source, turn it into a Mad Libs, enlist the vocabulary of my readers, and voila, we're talking about albino peacocks.

If that description didn't help at all, check out the FML introductory post for more guidance. The most important things to remember are:

1. Post in order (first commenter fills in the first word; fourteenth commenter fills in fourteenth word, etc.)
2. Number your comment so other Mad Libbers can tell where we're at. Otherwise, people will get confused, start posting out of order, worldwide chaos will ensue and Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton will start doing TV commercials together (oh...wait...).
3. Have fun! (I totally agree with my junior high health teacher that every set of rules should culminate in "Have fun!" Woohoo!)

Ready? Good. Here's what I need from you lovelies:

1. Verb (Present Tense)

2. Adjective

3. Noun

4. Verb (Present Tense)

5. Noun

6. Noun

7. Time Period

8. Adjective

9. Plural Noun

10. Adjective

11. Plural Noun

12. Adjective

13. Adjective

14. Notable Place

15. Plural Noun

16. Verb (Present Tense)

17. Verb (Present Tense)

18. Noun

19. Plural Noun

20. Adjective

21. Adverb

22. Plural Noun

23. Plural Noun

24. Verb Ending in "ing"

25. Plural Noun

26. Type of Journey

27. Noun

28. Adjective

29. Noun

I'll post our collaborative Mad Libs masterpiece later tonight!

Monday, April 28, 2008

I think everyone...

...needs to enter this contest. Seriously. There may or may not be a prize, but you will win the world's respect/annoyance.

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Trouble With TOMS

My boyfriend is slowly becoming a hippie. I don't really mind--who doesn't love Joni Mitchell and recycling?--and since we're Oregonians, I knew it was bound to happen. Sure, it's a bit irksome when we're walking down the street and he cries out with the panicked passion of someone who has just seen Jesus Christ stroll out of Panera Bread, so I say, "What? What??" and he solemnly points to a piece of trash on the sidewalk and then I punch him repeatedly in the shoulder and yell, "I thought you saw Jesus at Panera Bread, damnit!" and he goes, "What are you talking about?" and OK, maybe I do mind a little, but that's beside the point.

The point, right now, is that my hippie boyfriend wants a pair of TOMS shoes. He thinks it's a great company and loves their cause of giving away shoes to kids in need. But he's run into a small problem: TOMS shoes are ugly. Like, this ugly:


I know, I know, hippies aren't supposed to care about ugly (hemp pants, anyone?), and "Own the ugly!" is practically my life motto, but these are just so...psych ward. Seriously, if I ever get fed up with his litter-induced freakouts and decide to have him committed, the state mental hospital would provide him with eerily similar footwear.

On the other hand, a girl in one of my classes last term had a large and colorful collection of TOMS and always looked supercute. They are strangely endearing, like Gary Busey.

So what do you think? Do these shoes scream "colonoscopy patient?" Do you think they're simply adorable? Would you wear shoes made of thumbtacks to help kids in need? Got any alternative suggestions for rad hippie shoes?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: Urgent Reader Request!

Hi Winona,
By now you've probably seen these Prada shoes before, but I've been dying to know what the five men would think of them. They may not be frightening enough, but they certainly amuse me.
Signed,
Shoes Amused



Dear Amused,

Ah, the Prada flower heels--many are perplexed by them, others love them with the fire of a thousand suns (by "others" here I mean Wendy Brandes, and Wendy, if, after reading this, you want to kick some Five Men ass, I'll happily provide you with some addresses).

I sort of want to spend my life savings on them (they're $800) just to place them in a grandiose shadowbox atop my mantle (to do: procure mantle) and force my guests stare at them in silence.
But enough about me, what do those wild and crazy guys think of them?

Brother, age 13: (Waves hands, covers face) I don't know what to think of these. Hmmm...It's just a shoe, a really bad looking shoe. The heel kind of looks like a frilly Victorian dress...a flower?

Father: I think that its the first time I have seen the bottom of a shoe be more interesting than the top of the shoe. It kinds of looks like some sort of perverted Nike or Adidas.

Brother, age 18: Who's that guy we saw at the Portland Art Museum? Chihuly ? It looks like that guy did it.

Boyfriend: It looks like somebody's heel broke off and they glued on one of their mother's fine statuettes as a replacement.

Brother, age 21: Awkward even to look at. Hate 'em. But, if they were flat without the heel I would be into them.

p.s. If you're new to Daddy Likey and/or have amnesia, you can read the Five Men's introductory post here.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Blogback Mountain

Possibly my favorite sentence ever blogged: Pulling one of these off when you're the height of a great dane is about as likely as nationalized health care.

I want Agathe's wardrobe life. She eats lunch outside and has a pet pig, for god's sake.

Tricia asks the tough question: Why do we wear what we wear?

This post incorporates my three favorite things: sandwiches. sustainability. and Todd Oldham.

Meg has a great tip for making new friends--darn tootin'!

Some douchebag called our dear Queen Marie a beaver. Or perhaps he was not a douchebag, but a perfect gentleman simply comparing her to Woodrow?

I have the best eyebrows in America--that's a fact, because one person told me two years ago. And now I may have to nominate Gala as having the best eyebrows in Australia.

Hyena In Petticoats=Awesome blog title, even awesomer blog.

Maybe this is the real reason for seasonal depression?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Don't Show-cha Your Chocha, Volume XI

During our trip to LA, my friends somehow got to talking about their favorite Daddy Likey features (OK, OK, I require my friends to talk about this at least twice a day). During this discussion I found out that Lindsay doesn't really get Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey, Rachel and Meg love fashion-blogging animals (Meg was a zoology major, after all), and most surprisingly and/or predictably, Scott is a big fan of Don't Show-cha Your Chocha. "Whenever I see that long line of chocha pictures," he said, smiling and clapping with glee, "Aaaahhhh!!!"

For Scott, and anyone else who is clapping and saying "Aaahhhh!!!" right now, I present the latest installment of DSYC (new around these parts? wow that sounds dirty in this context, but anyway, click here for the intro):

Alexandra was innocently browsing Shopbop when she came across this tragic victim of the Great Pants Shortage of 2008:

In fifty years, this model will surely tell her grandkids about how "Back in the day, we didn't have pants or tights or leggings! We had to hold our hems down with our own hands! In the snow!"

Zoe found this awesome promo shot from Jenni Kayne's collection:

She says: The best bit of the picture I feel is the model not wearing the dress standing next to her, she reminds me of a pissed off big sister: 'god i told her not to wear anything stupid. now everyone at this party will ever associate me with the idiot who forgot her trousers. why does she ALWAYS have to show me up?'

Alana reported this sighting on Perezhilton.com:

Apparently she's 90 days pants-free.

An aptly named skirt from Kirsten:

So how perfect is this? Not only is it a major fan of the fully ventilated chochular region, it's named LOLITA!!! At what angle is the model holding her lower arm so it appears that her fingertips are skimming the hemline? I think this skirt has a pole in its future.

Tessa found a plethora of chochal danger zones:

Michael Kors thinks you should pay 700 bucks to never be able to sit down.

Yet another gem from DSYC regular, Baby Phat. Does anyone else think that "Web Exclusive!" badge could serve a better purpose about an inch to the left?

This girl's not even trying. Good god.

I guess there's one reason to spring for an oversize clutch:

Says Jessica: She's got the strategic placing of her purse down...

Anna spotted this "dress," which may be the most horrifying offender I have ever seen, mostly because (god, forgive me) it looks like the dress is actually tucked into her chocha:

Right?? You were totally thinking it... Anyway, Anna has another observation:

My favorite part is her clearly visible relief when they finally allowed the poor thing to put on some leggings for the larger pics. I had fun going 'before.. after! before...after!' to myself a few times.

Daddy Likey needs YOU! Send your Don't Show-cha Your Chocha sightings to daddylikeyblog@gmail.com

Thursday, April 17, 2008

...

Due to a death in my boyfriend's family, blogging will resume on Monday.
Love love love,
Winona

Advanced Fashion Quiz

The words "double layer compression and surged edges" are used to describe which of the following products?

A. Spanx Full Body Slip

B. Car Engine

C. Missile Defense System

Nope, not telling.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Dear Purveyors of Vintage Clothing,

Next time a present-day size 10 woman (or, god forbid, 14! 16! plus size!) walks into your store, if you could refrain from sighing dramatically and giving her a cautionary lecture about how "clothes were SO much smaller back in the day, and even ten years ago women did not look like, well, that, and maybe you'd better just leave because we don't serve your kind here*," that would be great. I think a lot of self-worth could be preserved. And you might even sell her something.

Love,
Winona

*So I may be exaggerating a little, but seriously, just a little.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Some Martin for Your Monday?


Wow. Finally, a purse that combines my three favorite things: sequins, fish scales, and dead birds.

And it's priced to move at $7,000! By that I mean, it actually might move. I don't trust those feather things for a second.

XOXO,
Martin

Fendi bag at netaporter.com, and yes, it's really seven grand (although it's on sale right now for a cool $5,000--total steal! By that I mean, steal this bag, please, don't pay money for it*).

*Daddy Likey would never really endorse stealing. The only time she ever stole was by accident in seventh grade when she wore a $2 belt out of Goodwill and, upon realizing her mistake, cried herself to sleep while waiting for the FBI to burst through her bedroom window.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

How To Save an Accidental Mullet

A Daddy Likey Reader In Distress (or DLRID, if you prefer extremely uncatchy acronyms) just sent me the following email:

I went to get a sandwich and I came back with a mullet! It looks a little something like this:


What should I do? Should I try to rock it (ironically, of course) or should I wear those furry Russian hats for the rest of my life? What about on the beach? Should I still wear furry Russian hats then? Please advise!

Help!
Should've Known Better (Richard Marx version, of course)

So, first and foremost, you need to stop patronizing this sandwich shop immediately. God, can't a girl just get a turkey sandwich, no pickles, light on the mullet, these days?

Secondly, I have to admit that I'm not very well qualified to answer your question. I've had a lot of bad haircuts in my time (and a few french kisses from hairdressers), and I've never had the guts to do the universally recommended "march right back into the salon and tell them to fix it or else" thing. My strategy is more...a lot of crying. After the crying, I usually try desperately to work the bad hair into some sort of shtick--"These giant news anchor bangs are PERFECT for when I need to deliver headlines on live TV in 1986! Heh, heh. Right?"

In fact, my first instinct was to advise you to wear a cape and carry around a few floating, glowing orbs for the next month and insist you're always on your way to a Labyrinth-themed party (fun fact: at any given moment, there are 50 Labyrinth-themed parties occurring in the world).

And that is why I'm going to turn this query over to my readers.

So, what do you guys think? Has anyone out there ever done the "march back into the salon" thing and lived to tell the tale? Is anyone totally owning a mullet right now? Do you all enjoy the Russian-hat-on-the-beach imagery as much as I do? Please help your fellow reader, and, in doing so, help all the bad haircut victims of the world!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

He's Got A Theory

Check out my friend Alec's new blog, I Have A Theory, currently featuring a hypothesis I came to the hard way--leaning up against a wall, Rebel Without A Cause-style, wearing a cropped leather jacket and eating mini cracker and cheese sandwiches from a bright yellow plastic container...

Send him your theories too. I know you've got some good ones; now's the time to share them with the world.

Want to snag a man? Then shut up.

With the possible exception of impressionable young children, most everyone knows that Disney's The Little Mermaid is pretty messed up (give up your voice for a man, literally! woohoo!). My friend Katelyn and I seem to spend most of our time together alternating between angrily discussing this fact and breaking into passionate renditions of "Part Of Your World" (What can I say? Old habits die hard).

In an attempt to branch out at our coffee date today, we were trying to remember the words to Ursula's classic aria, "Poor, Unfortunate Souls". We failed miserably, so I looked up the lyrics online when I got home, and GOOD GOD if you haven't re-watched the movie as an adult, you've gotta read this:

[Ursula:] I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a
trifle. What I want from you is . . . your voice.
[Ariel:] But without my voice, how can I -
[Ursula:] You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't
underestimate the importance of body language! Ha!

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man

Kind of makes you wonder why the Ariel dress from the Disney Princess bridal collection doesn't come with a jewel-encrusted gag, huh?

Monday, April 07, 2008

Dear Daddy Likey: Cheap Prom Shoes, Stat!

Winona,
I need some help. I need some prom shoes, stat. They need to be tall and semi-cheap. I have a little black dress (boring, I know). I also need to get them in the next two weeks. So, if you have any suggestions or good online shoe stores, tell me. Thank you!
Signed,

Shoeless Joe Jackson


Dear Shoeless Joe,

My mom somehow convinced me to walk another half-marathon yesterday, so just looking at high heels right now is enough to send shooting pains through my aching feet and cause me to screech at my boyfriend yet again to pretty please give me a foot massage it's all I desire in life and I've never asked for anything PLEASE...but that's OK, because you need shoes for your prom and I love you and therefore I will persevere!


Unfortunately, I have to start with a dire warning: cheap shoes=pain.

This is, of course, not an absolute--I'm sure many readers could regale me with stories of super comfy $15 heels from Payless, but when it comes to dancing the night away on the alleged Best Night of Your Life (I was shocked to discover, in the years following prom, that I would have better experiences than swaying awkwardly to R. Kelly's Ignition Remix), I can't, in good conscience, recommend a genuinely cheap shoe. I can, however, make up a quote and attribute it to Sun Tzu:


"Expensive heels are often better quality. Expensive heels go on sale. Find them."
~Sun Tzu

And find them we will. Thanks for the advice, Sunny!


So, I'm assuming that you want to spice up your little black dress with some show-stopping shoes--am I right? (If you watched too much
Blue's Clues as a kid, this is where you would say "Yes, you are right!" out loud to the computer screen.)

I happen to think the classic prom pairing of black dress and metallic heels is quite striking and would be a fabulous option for you. I found a good selection of affordable metallic heels at Overstock.com, all formerly expensive. Here's once each of many silver and bronze options:

Unlisted by Kenneth Cole Peep Toe Slingbacks, $34.99, overstock.com

Liliana by Adi Jaime, $29.99, overstock.com

Another Overstock find, I posted about these shoes awhile back and a few commenters described feeling such a passionate and guttural love for them that they had to take a minute to calm down, breathe into a paper bag and remind themselves that they are only shoes. And guess what? They used to be expensive, and they are now on sale:

MIA "Venice," $44, overstock.com

Speaking of passionate, guttural reactions, these would be so amazingly gorgeous with a little black dress that I need to go find a paper bag for myself:

Nine West "Luxious" (So what the name sounds like Fergie forgot to use spellcheck during one of her songs--they're ADORABLE and on sale!), $69

These ones aren't on sale, but they're the same price and would be so striking with your dress:

Chinese Laundry Alfina Sandal, $69, macys.com

Also try:
Endless.com--free overnight shipping!
Zappos--free shipping!
Payless.com--Don't say I didn't warn you!


And check out the sale sections of:

Aldo.com

Ninewest.com

Nordstrom.com
Macys.com

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

It's Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey!

It's time for another installment of Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey, the popular feature in which I thoughtfully respond to a selection of the Google searches that led people to my blog. Sometimes this involves writing haikus about chlamydia, which happens to be my favorite pastime.

If you would like a slightly more descriptive explanation, click here, and if not, read on (google searches in bold italics; my response below).


Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey!

what are the major desserts in somalia
I've heard they love a good tiramisu.


i wear riding boots and breeches and want to get married
As far as I know, people who wear riding boots and breeches find love and get married all the time, so don't lose hope! And never change yourself for a man! Just find one who's into riding boots and breeches too, and you should be fine.

test for real pashmina
Ask the pashmina to spell "pashmina." The fake ones freeze up--they can never do it!

can goodwill store charge high prices?
I wish it wasn't so, but it is.

earwig diagram

Oh my! Sorry you missed it! Here you go:


mary kay scrub gives you aids

Yeah, I heard that too.

"austin powers catchphrases"

So, I have a spot of bad news for you. Hmm... How do I say this... Well, Austin Powers
catchphrases aren't quite "in" anymore. Actually, I don't know if anything's ever been more out. Maaaaaayybbee "Somebody stop me!" from The Mask, but, actually, no, even that still has its charms. Would you like to know some more current popular catchphrases instead? Try these:

"Don't tase me, bro!"
"Your mom goes to college."
"Honest to blog!"
"I drink your milkshake."
"Sexy time!"
"I'm fucking Matt Damon."


brought my camera to spice girls concert
Do you really need to rub it in? Jesus.


"kate moss" "short legs"

You are severely mistaken.


does sharon stone have nice eyebrows

I would say so, yeah.

is there life after passion parties?
Life has been pretty dismal after mine, actually.

god please hear my need. what is a good persuasive essay?
Wow have I been there, although my lack of religious education left me ignorant to this whole God-is-in-the-Google thing. But just in case you're wrong, and my 9th grade English teacher is really God, here's her advice.


you so hot global warming is jealous of you

If a man ever says this to me, I will leave my boyfriend for him.


i need cocaine in seattle.
Did this work out for you? Because this is totally how I would go about scoring drugs, too. Seriously, I'd be the worst druggie ever, sheepishly asking Google things like, "So, does one eat meth, or no?" and "Better Business Bureau Portland-area top weed sellers."

penis hanging out of shorts + mother in law
Wow. Talk about awkward. For both parties.


a haiku for balenciaga

Intriguing concept,
But what happens when she sits?
Chocha is show-chaed.

rhyme about fake tan

Jeez, I'm workin' overtime on the poetry here. How's this?

Fake tans can be so lovely--
Just a subtle, golden glow,
But when you overdo it
You look like a crazy ho.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

My (Mostly Real) Glamorous Life

On Saturday, I got to have a supremely awesome coffee date with Ambika, who writes the supremely awesome blog (Into) the Fray, and I can assure you she is just as gorgeous and funny and kind in person as she is online. Totally. Love. Her.

Now, I know what you're thinking: How in god's name did two bloggers of your caliber meet in a public place and not get mobbed by adoring fans?

Duh, we hired bodyguards.

The whole street behind us was evacuated.

Once we had the rabid autograph-seekers cleared out, we had a lovely time chatting about everything from cute shoes to our hatred of Big Media. We also decided that if we are ever chosen to record a day in our lives for The Dailies at Design for Mankind, we would try our damnedest to make it look like this:

7:00 am: Rise with the sun. Thoughtful partner serves me breakfast in bed.

8:00 am: Apply La Mer facial moisturizer and choose a simple Roberto Cavalli frock from the closet.

9:00 am: Begin reading War and Peace.

10:00 am: Finish reading War and Peace.

11:00 am: Meet forty of my closest, most attractive friends for brunch.

12:00 pm: Sit for a portrait with my thoroughbred, Blushing Bedlamite.

As opposed to a more realistic day, which, for me, might look something like this:

11:00 am: Rise with my boyfriend yelling, "You're STILL in bed??"

12:00 pm -- 4:00 pm: Watch a marathon of America's Next Top Model. Eat a shocking amount of cheese curls.

Damnit. I totally just killed my chances of ever being chosen for that feature. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the Opera with Alan Greenspan.
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