Thursday, June 26, 2008

Dear Daddy Likey: Short on Shorts, Over Short Shorts

Dear Daddy Likey,

I went shopping to find shorts to wear for this summer, and I was greatly disappointed by what I found. I am 5'11, and I am mostly leg. The shorts that everyone seems to be selling hardly cover my butt cheeks. I am at a loss as to where I can find shorts that cover more than my lady parts. Something mid-thigh would be nice. Got any suggestions?


Signed,
Short Tempered

Dear Short, I mean, Tall, whatever,

Boy can I relate. Well, actually, I can't, because I'm 5'3" and mostly torso, but I hate shopping for shorts too, so I think we can still be friends. I agree with you that this shorts season has been particularly brutal. Just the other day I blushingly picked up a particularly immodest pair of underwear only to realize that they were SHORTS, meant to be worn on the OUTSIDE. "Oh my!" I crowed like a Victorian missionary, and decided to focus on the following two shorts shopping strategies.

Suggestion #1: Find the Bermuda (Shorts) Triangle

God, I hate the name Bermuda shorts--it evokes an awkward and confusing mix of imagery of Old Navy ad campaigns and South Florida retirees that makes me feel dizzy and enraged. Therefore, for the remainder of this post I will call them Nebraska shorts. Anyway, Nebraska shorts (aahh, that's better) hit just above the knee, are super flattering and just as comfortable in hot weather as those crazy chocha shorts.

If you love your legs, try a crazy pattern or a bright color. If you don't, a pair of black, khaki, or vertical pinstripe Nebraska shorts will look effortlessly chic while concealing thighs and preventing the dreaded chafe (in related news, my friend Lindsay and I decided to start pronouncing it chafé in an effort to make sweaty thighs sound elite and Parisian). Add a simple tanktop, a couple necklaces, and ballet flats and you'll be the talk of the town (for looking good, not for accidentally flashing your lady bits to the local minister).

Now, the tough part--where to find these elusive little buggers. I hate to enable those awful Old Navy ad campaigns, but the store does deliver. They have a huge selection of Nebraska shorts online and varying lengths in store.

These come in like fifty different colors (OK, four), can be worn cuffed or uncuffed, dressed up or dressed down, and they're on sale for less than twenty bucks. Not bad.

Love the details on the pocket--these would be so cute with a black tank and sandals.


Also check out J. Crew's sale section in-store and online (I'm pretending their regular priced section doesn't exist...It's just too painful...) for semi-good deals on cute, mid-thigh length shorts. And keep in mind that if you don't love the length of your Nebraska shorts straight out of the store, most styles look good (or even better) cuffed or rolled up to your desired length.

Suggestion #2: Make your own.

Yep, that's right--get out your patterns and sewing machine! Tooootttaaallllyyy kidding--the last attempt I made at sewing was an embroidery of my name that got me so flustered I spelled it with three N's. Of course, if you are the type who didn't think I was joking about the whole sewing machine thing, I salute you, and also if you want to make me some shorts, that would be great.

But when I say "Make your own," I mean, get out a pair of scissors and an old pair of jeans, and cut off the bottoms. Extraordinarily difficult and complicated, I know, but if I can do it, you can do it.

The cutoff is my all-time favorite shorts style and an integral part of my daily summer uniform. They're free (a hard price to beat!), you choose the length to flatter your body, and if you cuff them and wear a plaid button-down you, too, can achieve my life goal of looking like one of the characters from Now and Then.


I'm gonna go watch that movie right now, actually. For real. Gotta go.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Advanced Fashion Quiz: Martin's Dream Edition

One of the photos below shows a Eugenia Kim hat, retail price: $312; the other shows an Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie from my new favorite website. Can you tell which is which?


_________________________________

Martin says:
I like the second one.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Blogback Mountain

So, see this amazingly detailed, couture-esque ruffle skirt here? Yeah, that used to be a loofah. And this funky, statement-making necklace? It was a window ornament. Oh, and these perfectly slouchy, Marc Jacobs-esque trousers? Yeah, they're from the kids' section at Kohls. My mind is blown.

The Sunday Best is the best men's fashion blog. Hands down. Seven days a week.

Read this. Then read this.

Make yourself the cutest bow barrette in your quest to become 25% as cute as Leibemarlene (What? Aren't we all on that quest?).

A beautiful blog.

Possibly my favorite outfit in history. PURPLE LEGGINGS! HELL YES!

Kids say the darndest/most profound things!


D'Jen's haiku (see post below) led me to her blog, which led me to laugh so hard I almost peed on my Starbucks chair. I'm moving to Australia to be her best friend.

This just in: Jennine puts other fashionable wood nymphs to shame.

The most disturbing thing I've seen on Myspace is not the webcam porn, or the sexual predators, or the fact that Tila Tequila exists, it's seeing people fill their "About Me" sections with luxury brand logos or products. I mean, really? Chanel is who you are, all you are? Does your stuff define who you are?

And finally, the danger of Venn Diagrams.

Someone Won a Prada Today. It's a Good Day.

It went by so fast, but it has indeed been 7 days since I posted the Prada haiku contest and that means it's time to announce the winner! I have gotta say, wow, those were some freakin' incredible haiku (no, my "s" key isn't broken--haiku are like sheeps sheep). Again, for emphasis: freakin' incredible haiku. If you haven't checked them out, click here--with over 200 entries, it's a great way to waste some Monday work time.

Here's a haiku from Basho, the 17th century Japanese haiku master:

the first cold shower
even the monkey seems to want
a little coat of straw

You guys' haiku were like, a million times better. In fact, if MC Basho was alive today, I would go to his posse's hangout and throw down this response haiku:

My readers' haiku
Kick your haiku's ass. Even
the monkey agrees.

Seriously, I checked the comments hourly (er...I mean, I got to them whenever I could considering my extremely busy schedule) and I was constantly amazed by your poetic talent and comedic skillz. My co-judge and I agonized over the decision, but a winner soon emerged.

Her name is Hannah, and she delivered this trifecta of hilarious haiku, which received bonus points for a) employing the traditional haiku rule of referencing the season/weather, and b) the use of word "woe," which is, in my opinion, the greatest and most underrated word in the English language:

Leaves blow in cool wind.
I spend forty bucks on J.
Crew jelly flats. Woe.

Ralph Lauren, you make
me want yachts. I can't even
afford your visors.

It was a cold day.
Caught my brother jerking it
To the AA site.

Congratulations, Hannah! You're the owner of a new Prada wallet. Maybe you can trade it in for a yacht?

But wait, stop the presses! Three runners-up were so good that they will also receive prizes (not Prada prizes, but still):

Pamcasso's was just perfect:

Tom Ford why the hell
Are all the models naked?
I thought you sold clothes!

Christina and Emily's was really beautifully done:

Roberto makes me
Choose sequins over good taste,
Feathers over shame.

And d'jen had an excellent point:

Stella McCartney
Why make nice exercise clothes?
Those women don’t sweat

But wait, stop the presses again! Several other entries stood out (I wasn't lying when I said you guys were good!), and therefore I have created another series of awards to properly honor them:

Most Sexually Deviant: Ms. Wendy Brandes

Hey, Daddy Likey!

I will show-cha my cho-cha
For a Prada prize.

and

No, seriously,
I will show-cha my cho-cha
And maybe tits too!

The Unfortunately, I Wouldn't Be Surprised Award goes to Rachel:

Do all the size two
Samples from the designers
Come with free tapeworm?

Best Reference to the Best TV Show goes to NYI for this gem:

Tobias meet Karl,
fellow leather daddy who'll
forgive the cut-offs.

The Bad Designer Gave Me Insomnia Award goes to The Sunday Best:

Last night I dreamt of
all the good things made by Guess.
It was a short dream.

Most Stylish Amputee: The Fashionhead

if i received a
left Louboutin heel i would
cut off my right foot

The So Sad But So True Award goes to Prunella:

It sucks being poor
as you rarely find Anna
Sui at T.J. Maxx.

Best Use of Pool Pee Nostalgia: Captain Vee

See by Chloe love
is like peeing in a pool-
I'm warm all over

The Hilarious/Horrifying Combo Platter Award goes to Julie:

Only Louis Vuitton
I ever owned was a fish.
Met a comic death.

Most Heartfelt/Most Swedish: Emi

I have no money
Prada you can still help me
Hold fake cash, real dreams

The Haiku So Sassy It Made Me Do An Involuntary Z-Snap was from Elise:

stella mccartney
you have a name for fashion
could use an eye though

Thank you so, so much to everyone who entered and to all the fantastic bloggers who promoted the contest, and keep an eye out for another one in the near future (I've got some ideas...). You guys rock. I love you. Hikuz 4 Lyph!

*Everyone whose haiku was featured in this post should email me with their name and mailing address so I can send out prizes and awesome personalized award certificates!*

Thursday, June 19, 2008

It's Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey!

Well, it's finally time for another installment of Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey, the popular feature in which I thoughtfully respond to the google searches that led lost souls to my blog (if you're a new reader, click here for a better explanation).

I'm just gonna jump right in. Longtime readers, say it with me now--google searches in bold italics, my responses below!

Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey!

i love computers!
Me too! I also love exclamation points! Want to be friends?!

can hobbits wear flip flops
Excellent question. I suppose they could, if they wanted to, although they might need to have a pair specially made. And it might be prudent to wear closed toed shoes while fighting orcs.


show youre vajina
Show me your GED


how to tell if your shirt is too small

Not to worry, I've created a simple self-diagnosis quiz to help you out! If you answer "yes" to three or more of the following questions, your shirt is probably too small:

1. Is your shirt uncomfortably tight?
2. Does your stomach hang out of your shirt?

3. Does your shirt mash your breasts into the shape of lumpy flapjacks?

4. When you bend or twist, does your shirt rip open?

5. When you walk down the street, do people yell from their cars, "Get a bigger shirt!"?


how to disguise cankles

You could try one (or two) of these:

And if that doesn't work, here are some tips.

"fred meyer" "sex toys"

You are so barking up the wrong tree.

Does Robert Downey Jr. need glasses?
I'm not really sure, but my brother, who is possibly RDJ's illegitimate child, doesn't need glasses, if that helps.


dennis hopper speed quote
Dennis Hopper as villain Howard Payne in
Speed is perhaps the greatest performance in history. I'm constantly trying to convince people of this, but they insist on saying boneheaded things about Laurence Olivier and Marlon Brando, at which point I cut them out of my life (I only have two friends left). In short, I'm glad to see someone paying homage to the Hopper. There's a number of fantastic quotes you could be searching for, but let me run down the top possibilities:
--"Popquiz, hotshot"

--"What do you do? What do you do?"

--"Are you ready to die, friend?"

daddylikey needs to do another podcast!
Eek! I'm sorry! I'm working on it! In the meantime, listen the first/last one again.

accidental emasculation
Are we talking the kind of accidental emasculation like the time you let it slip that your boyfriend likes Sex and the City more than you do, or the kind that involves pruning shears? Because there's a big difference.



faking a bulge in tights

Speaking of emasculation...


kristen cavalari--kristin cavallari--cavaleri--cavalleri

Oh! You must mean Kristen Cavalari...Kristin Cavallari....Cavaleri...Cavalleri...damnit!


How to talk dirty in bed using the phrase "daddy"
Wow. Uuuhhh, wow. Do you always google your sex tips so...formally?

most rhymable countries
Excuse me while I lay down some freestyle limericks to answer this query:

In a beautiful boutique in France
I spent way too much money on pants
Now I am poor
But they're Christian Dior!
I might as well wear them and dance

Nowhere is more perfect than Spain
If you go there, please do not complain
Land of beaches and booze
and Penelope Cruz
To disagree would be insane

Spent the summer in Uzbekistan
Fell and got a bruisebekistan
This limerick is dead
I should quit while ahead
But
I'm gonna push throughzbekistan

Monday, June 16, 2008

CONTEST! Seventeen Syllables for PRADA

Is there any way to improve a Monday morning? Hmm...let's see...donut binge, not really...brisk walk, too much work... Oh! How about a chance to win a brand new Prada wallet?


That's right, it's finally contest time again here at Daddy Likey. All you have to do for your chance to win this gorgeous (and expensive) accessory is write me a High Fashion Haiku about your favorite--or least favorite--designer or brand.

Do you believe Michael Kors is God's true son? Would you sell your little brother for a Chanel purse? Do you think Stella McCartney needs to GET OVER HERSELF (or is it just me?) Well, cram your emotions into haiku form and you'll be on your way to owning a piece of Prada!

Lots of space for a famous poet to store her stacks of cash. What's that you say? Poets don't have any cash? Hogwash!

Remember, a haiku is a three line poem, with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second line, and five in the last. Check out the High Fashion Haiku archives for inspiration/guidance, and here's a few fresh examples to get you started:

O Marc, you could turn
a trashbag into couture!
I think you did once.

Sequins and feathers
and neon silk--so crazy
it must be McQueen!

Karl Lagerfeld,
You scare the shit out of me.
Please take off the gloves.

Leave your entries in the comments section, and in a week from today my distinguished panel of judges and I will declare a winner. Be creative (you always are), have fun with it, and good luck!

You know you want it. Enter!

p.s. If you happen to have a blog of your own, and would care to publicize this lil' contest-o-mine, I'd be mighty grateful and will make you a cookie. Thank you.

UPDATE: The Prada contest has ended, but I'm leaving the comments open just in case you feel moved to write a high fashion haiku--I always appreciate a good haiku. For a list of winners, click here, and check back for upcoming contests! Thanks for reading!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

(My) Father's Day Gift Guide

There are few things in this world that upset me as much as Father's Day Gift Guides. Maybe hair in my food, and war, but that's about it. Oh, and Valentine's Day Gift Guides. I guess I'm easily upsettable.

But anyway, according to Father's Day Gift Guides, all fathers do all day is play golf, smoke cigars, shave with deluxe shaving kits, listen to Van Morrison on Bose speakers, and chuckle about the hilarious novelty boxer shorts hiding under their Dockers.

My dad has never done any of these things.


If I were to make a gift guide that was actually relevant to my own father, a grumpy animal behavior scientist with a profound fear of home invasion (I love you, dad!), it would most definitely not include monogrammed golf tees. In fact, allow me to show you just how different it would look next to my best impression of a Regular Father's Day Gift Guide:

Regular Father's Day Gift Guide Suggestion: Book of pictures of grilled meats.

Show dear old Dad that he really is King of the Grill with the definitive book on barbecue! Throw in a "Kiss the Cook" apron and you've got a delicious gift pack that's sure to please Dad (and the whole family's tastebuds!).

(My) Father's Day Gift Guide Suggestion: Book of pictures of monkeys

I got this book for my dad for Christmas last year, and he opened it to a picture of an orangutan, sighed, and said, "Technically an orangutan is not a..."
"Wait!" I cried, and pointed out the asterisk that added "and some apes" to the title.
"Oh," he said. "Very good."

(Both books from Amazon.com)

Regular Father's Day Gift Guide Suggestion: Box of cigars

When your dad appreciates the finer things in life, nothing less will do. A box of cigars is the perfect way to show him you care and remind him to relax (and breathe deeply!) every once in a while.

(My) Father's Day Gift Guide Suggestion: Box of fried chicken gizzards

My dad delights in making appalling food choices at unlikely places. Fried chicken gizzards and a chocolate milkshake at a quaint cafe, a steaming bowl of clam chowder 500 miles inland, etc. He pretends to genuinely enjoy these things, but my mom and I believe it's for the shock value.

Regular Father's Day Gift Guide Suggestion: Golf club

Dad spends every weekend out on the green--why not help him improve his game? This golf club is sure to impress his buddies and land him a few birdies!

(My) Father's Day Gift Guide Suggestion: Snake stick

Some dads work on their short game, my dad goes to eastern Oregon to catch rattlesnakes.

He finds them, catches them, looks at them, and puts them back. No, I don't know why. He just likes snakes, OK?

Picture from my new favorite website, snakecatcherstick.com

Regular Father's Day Gift Guide Suggestion: Flat screen TV

Give Dad the viewing experience of a lifetime with a top-of-the-line flat screen TV! With a picture this crisp and clear, he'll practically be able to smell the grass and sweat at game time!

(My) Father's Day Gift Guide Suggestion: Taser

I've been trying unsuccessfully for the past twenty minutes to describe, in a few sentences, why my dad would want a taser, so I'm just going to give up and paste in a passage from an essay I wrote a few years ago that illustrates why my dad is the kind of person who would want a taser, and why he is the kind of person who probably shouldn't have one:

My dad was in the shower when he heard the front door creak open. His four kids were supposed to be at school, his wife was at work, and no visitors or deliveries were expected. He turned off the water and stepped out, adrenaline pumping at the possibility of years of anticipation and weapons hoarding finally culminating in this moment.

He silently wrapped a towel around himself and put his ear to the door to listen.
Footsteps in the kitchen. Yes. Someone was in the house, his house. His mobile arsenal—the .22 longrifle, the Ruger handgun, the enfield .303, two snubnose .38 revolvers, the police-issue nightstick, the Remington 870 security shotgun and camouflage Kevlar helmet—was tucked away in the upstairs closet, boxes of bullets mingling with my mom’s Nordstrom skirts. He’d have to get creative.

In the back pocket of his jeans piled on the floor was the four-inch folding knife he carried with him everywhere. He extracted it from the crumpled denim and tucked it into his towel. Next, deftly as a trained assassin, he ripped the metal towel rack from the bathroom wall and clutched it to his chest. He leaned against the door, listening to the intruder move through the kitchen and paw through his possessions. Pushing his blonde hair from his eye, he braced himself for battle.

On the silent count of three, he threw open the door to charge the invader and incapacitate him with the metal rod only to find his 18-year-old son standing in the kitchen, toasting a bagel.


“Hi Dad,” my brother said, eyeing the towel rack. “I got out early.”


Aaaannnnnd I'll end there. Good luck finding gifts for your own crazy dads!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Help Daddy Likey Help Your Barista!

Dear Daddy Likey,

I'm looking to find shoes that are super super comfortable for work. I'm in school and am working two jobs, both at coffee shops, which means I'm usually on my feet at least 8 hours straight a day. It seems that everyone who shares this predicament ultimately turns to those orthopedic sneakers for old women, or *gasp* crocs. Now, really the look of the shoe comes in second place for importance, but I would really like to avoid those options. Do you have any suggestions on shoes that could be attractive, but also relatively cheap (because I am constantly spilling things on them) and also don't make me want to saw my feet off by the end of my shifts?

Signed,

Disgruntled Barista Who Would Prefer to Keep Her Feet

Dear Disgruntled,

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), every job I've ever had has required a lot of sitting on my ass (we writers are a dramatic yet comfortable bunch). Although whenever I eat lunch at the restaurant where my friend is a server, I am shocked at how physical the work is, and how far and fast she has to walk (it upsets me so much, in fact, that I eat extra bread to console myself).

Unfortunately (this time for real), when I asked this friend if she'd ever found cute, comfortable work shoes, she said "No." in a tone so cold and flat you'd have thought I'd asked her to consider the merits of intelligent design.

I would ask my boyfriend, who is a barista himself, but he killed his credibility last year when he wore a pair of hand-me-downs (handed down by an 85-year-old uncle, no less) nearly identical to these for six months:

Yes, we almost broke up.

And so, I turn to you, dear, hardworking, stylish, brilliant readers. Has anyone out there found a work shoe that's attractive, affordable, and comfortable? Does such a trifecta not exist in nature? I have some issues with Dansko (I grew up in Oregon, so I have issues with Dansko the way people from Chicago might have issues with, I don't know, wind), but I know that they're mega comfy, cute (sometimes), and expensive. Have people found cute styles on ebay? Good deals in dark alleys? Any suggestions?

Monday, June 09, 2008

Don't Show-cha Your Chocha, Volume XII

There's nothing like a triumphant blogging comeback, but it's even better when it involves chochas (sidenote: Has a rapper trademarked the phrase "Everything's better with chochas" yet or can I snag that for a confusing, sexually charged blog slogan?), and, more specifically, Don't Show-cha Your Chocha!

I think the first photo and caption perfectly sum up this feature, so I'm gonna jump right in:


Says Jeni: The way she's standing she looks like she's trying to hold something in...perhaps her modesty.

From Jennifer:

I can't tell if the bottom is shorts or a skirt, but either way, I'm worried.

Says Nicole: I came across this tonight while trying to purchase overpriced linen pants from J.Crew and immediately thought "Don't show your cha-cha!"
[Editor's note: My mom and her group of friends also use the term "cha-cha" interchangeably with "chocha," and, like in this case, I can't tell if it's an intentional, charming alternative or a mix-up. I sort of love it.]


From Laura:

It makes me feel embarrassed just looking at it!

Beth found what is perhaps the most artful Don't Show-cha Your Chocha on record:

Says Beth: It looks like she's trying to hold down her dress AND hold her hair on. yikes! (In other news, the next time my friend Katelyn complains about how hard it is for her to find a long enough inseam, I will print out this picture and give it to her. I mean, good god, I would be able to make eye contact with this girl's kneecap.)

From Tessa, via Betsey Johnson:

The perfect dress for girls who like to stand...a lot...no, seriously, like, all the time. Would you like to try to sit down in that thing?

Jo-Anne brought my attention to this fantastic photo, and provided a fantastic description of the subject, Phoebe Price:

Hey saw this hilarious post of this wannabe celebrity phoebe price on dlisted. She goes to that same restaurant and poses out front every day. She gets a scrape on her car and poses with it!!! Anyways look at the dress! She's coming a little too close to showin' it.

Diligent DSYC officer Amber tracked down these next two offenders:

I titled this image "velvet chocha," and felt quite dirty after typing it.

You know how they say eyes are windows to the soul? Well, that triangular cut-out there seems to be a window to the chocha.

So, this "dress" being eaten by the model's crotch, courtesy of our old friend Shopbop, was featured in the last installment of DSYC, but I've gotten so many emails about it, and it's just so strange/horrifying, that I feel compelled to post it again, along with some choice reader commentary:


Anne: This is so horrible. I hope the $319 buys you a little black "censored" box to put in front of your ladyparts.

Livia: The description says 'Chicly sophisticated with a distinctly modern vibe'. Distinctly modern vibe? I say it's a distinctly chocha vibe.

Ashlee: GAAAHHH!!!


Remember, the next time you're browsing online and catch yourself thinking "Egad! [admit it--you totally think "Egad"] If that model so much as reaches for a tortilla chip, she's doing full frontal!," email me--daddylikeyblog@gmail.com

Thursday, June 05, 2008

I'm Not Pulling a Style Bytes

I'm swamped with finals week (possibly my last finals week ever, OMG) and other projects, but I'll be back soon, really, I swear.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

(Very) Advanced Fashion Quiz

One of the boots below is an orthopedic walking cast identical to the one I had to wear for three months after I broke my foot while walking slowly on even ground (it was the most anticlimactic bone-breaking ever). The other is a creation from Stella McCartney's line for Adidas, valued at $250.


Pretty tough, no?

Update
An email from my dad this morning: "
Depending on how you think about it, the walking cast probably costs over a $1000 in uninsured dollars. With the other you at least get two 'walking casts'." Excellent point! I think we've found the first bargain from Stella McCartney!
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