Five Men's MEN'S FASHION First Impressions

As the title so confusingly suggests, today I decided to add a supreme twist to that old favorite, Five Men's Fashion First Impressions, and get the men's impression of a men's fashion item (this is blowing your mind, right?).

Behold, the "Tight Sag" by Soulful Commandoe:

Rachael from It Was Funny In My Head sent me this picture along with the following email: "OK...I blogged a bit about these things a while back, but can't stop thinking about the horror. Are they serious?? WTF are they supposed to be? Are they a joke? Thoughts from your guys?? (Would Robert Downey Jr. Junior wear them??)"

Here are the thoughts from the guys (and an answer from Robert Downey Jr. Junior):

Brother, age 13: They remind me of those Ocean Spray commercials- what those guys in the cranberry fields would wear, except they are too badass for cranberry farmers. I know! They're what punk cranberry farmers would wear!

Father: Patently stupid. It seems like you could have a few bricks in your pants and nobody would ever know it.

Boyfriend: Uuuhhhhh...One of the uglier things I've ever seen. It also reminds me of, you know when girls get the double boob? When their bra is too tight? This is like, double butt.

Brother, age 21: They combined all the worst features of really trashy men's jeans with all the worst features of really trashy women's jeans and added suspenders to the whole mess. Pretty awful.

Brother, age 18 (aka Robert Downey Jr. Junior): Umm...(laughs)...First impression--it looks like something a hip Daniel Plainview would wear.
Me: Who's Daniel Plainview?
Brother, age 18: Psh! Daniel Day Lewis' character in There Will Be Blood.
Me: Aha. Well, would you wear them?
Brother, age 18: I'd wear them if I was wading in a swamp.

See more pictures of these crazy-ass (literally) pants here.

Want the opinion of a few good men? Send me a picture and I'll make it happen! daddylikeyblog@gmail.com

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions

The lovely Pam from Square Old Soul found this $495 Hollywould bag in the May edition of Elle's online shopping guide (in fact, it's listed under the category "What to buy RIGHT NOW"), and had to know what the Five Men thought of it.

I second that emotion, so here we go:

Brother, age 13: Is it a tree or some sort of handbag? It looks like one of those trolls with the crazy hair.

Brother, age 18: I don't know....but it would make a good friend if I was stranded on an island.

Brother, age 21: This is it? This is a purse??? Hmmm... (makes a series of confused grunts and sighs) It's interesting. It looks like that character from the Muppets. It's decent. I like it.

Father: (Laughs) Oh god. It is a self-referential non sequitur and nobody cares.

Boyfriend: I could see the professor from Gilligan's Island making that as a contraption to get in touch with the mainland. (Starts walking away) What is it, by the way?
Me: It's a bag.
Boyfriend: It's a bag?? I thought it was, like, a GMO pineapple.

Dying to hear the men's thoughts (or, more specifically, their confusion/rage) on a particular fashion item? Email me! daddylikeyblog@gmail.com

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: Urgent Reader Request!

Hi Winona,
By now you've probably seen these Prada shoes before, but I've been dying to know what the five men would think of them. They may not be frightening enough, but they certainly amuse me.
Signed,
Shoes Amused



Dear Amused,

Ah, the Prada flower heels--many are perplexed by them, others love them with the fire of a thousand suns (by "others" here I mean Wendy Brandes, and Wendy, if, after reading this, you want to kick some Five Men ass, I'll happily provide you with some addresses).

I sort of want to spend my life savings on them (they're $800) just to place them in a grandiose shadowbox atop my mantle (to do: procure mantle) and force my guests stare at them in silence.
But enough about me, what do those wild and crazy guys think of them?

Brother, age 13: (Waves hands, covers face) I don't know what to think of these. Hmmm...It's just a shoe, a really bad looking shoe. The heel kind of looks like a frilly Victorian dress...a flower?

Father: I think that its the first time I have seen the bottom of a shoe be more interesting than the top of the shoe. It kinds of looks like some sort of perverted Nike or Adidas.

Brother, age 18: Who's that guy we saw at the Portland Art Museum? Chihuly ? It looks like that guy did it.

Boyfriend: It looks like somebody's heel broke off and they glued on one of their mother's fine statuettes as a replacement.

Brother, age 21: Awkward even to look at. Hate 'em. But, if they were flat without the heel I would be into them.

p.s. If you're new to Daddy Likey and/or have amnesia, you can read the Five Men's introductory post here.

FMFFI: I'll take those sandals with some fava beans and a nice chianti

It's been much too long since the last installment of Five Men's Fashion First Impressions, don't you think?

For those of you just joining us, FMFFI is a regular feature in which I ask the five men in my life for their first impressions of a strange fashion item. These impressions range from pegging top models as transsexuals to quoting Willow, and I always find them quite amusing.

Today's item: a striking pair of Jeffrey Campbell sandals, available at Urban Outfitters and first brought to my attention by Samida of Stained Couture:


Men! What say you?

Brother, Age 20: Oh man. Oh man. I don't like 'em at all. They look like hands, for one. They look like Shredder's gloves.

Father: All I can say is, Where's Spartacus when you need him?

Brother, Age 18: They look a little out of place without Sigourney Weaver shooting at them...

Boyfriend: (Laughs) They're horrible. Just horrible. They look like they're made of skin. Human skin.

Brother, Age 13: Hmm...It looks like human scalps. A pile of human scalps.

And there you have it: Solid proof that that Urban Outfitters is selling human scalps for 98 bucks. Really, what kind of world do we live in?

Five Men Vs. Marc Jacobs

I recently received the following email in regards to this shoe, which made its debut on the Marc Jacobs Spring 2008 runway:


Dearest Winona,

Can you explain these shoes to me? I can't seem to grasp how they "work"...and by that I mean, unless we all walk "en pointe", how do they function in the real world? I was hoping perhaps you could shed some light on these quirky pumps that Mr. Jacobs has dreamed up and (somehow) put on the runway.

Signed,

Confounded in Carolina

Dear Confounded,

Sure, I could try to explain these shoes (and my explanation would surely include the confession that I kind of sort of intensely love these, and would you be OK with that?), but wouldn't you rather hear what my five fashion-clueless men think of them? Yeah, that's what I thought. So here you go:

Brother, age 12: (Stares for awhile) It looks like one of those babies that’s born with, like, 8 limbs, except its got one of the limbs in the wrong place.

Brother, age 20: What do you want me to say? It's ugly. It's useless.

Brother, age 18: (Laughs) Uhhh... (Laughs some more) First impression? Someone in the factory made a mistake.

Boyfriend: Oh jesus! What the fuck! I wasn't expecting that...Wait, how would that work? (Stands up and attempts to walk with his heel raised in the air) That wouldn't work at all! It'd be so uncomfortable! But it would be a good workout for your calves, yeah?

Father: It looks like it was designed and made by a cross-eyed dyslexic with ADHD.

[Editor's Note: That's right, my dad just threw down with Marc Jacobs! He's bold! He's fearless! Or...he has no idea who Marc Jacobs is...]

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions (With Apologies to Guinea Pigs and Rats and the Readers Who Love Them)

What better way to ring in the last day of the year (a day not often rung in, but let's go with it) than with the triumphant return of the Five Men?

And what better way to ring in the triumphant return of the Five Men (once you start ringing things in, it can be tough to stop) than with this terrifying, $300 lamb-fur satchel, first discussed by Ambika in this spot-on analysis?

Gah! This thing gets scarier every damn time. Let's hand it off to the always articulate men, shall we?

Brother, Age 12: OK...Inside-out cat?

Boyfriend: Whoooaaa.
(Two minute pause)
Me: Take a little longer.
Boyfriend: Hey! Maybe I just won't do this. Then it'll be Four Men's Fashion First Impressions.
Me: That's just as catchy. I engineered it that way so I could break up with you.
Boyfriend: Damn.

Father: (Scoffs) It looks like a purse made of a giant regurgitated owl pellet. Or if I was happily dreaming, it would be made out of 15 or 20 guinea pigs. [Editor's note: My dad has guinea pig issues. Maybe I'll explain later.]

Brother, Age 20: Oh shit...hmmm...(sighs)...umm...
Me: Well, what do you think of it?
Brother, Age 20: Guinea pig? (Turns to leave the room)
Me: Hey where are you going?
Brother, Age 20: What?? It's just really ugly.

Brother, Age 20, returns twenty minutes later, mumbles sheepishly: You know what I just realized? That bag reminds me of Cheesehead*.

Brother, Age 18: Umm...first impression? Shag carpet at a brothel in the 70's, converted into a bag.


*Cheesehead here of course refers to my brother's beloved childhood pet rat. We awoke one morning many years ago to find Cheesehead's cage was empty, and a confrontation with my parents revealed that Cheesehead had died in the night and been buried. My brother and I mourned and we believed the Cheesehead saga was behind us, but a few years ago my mom let it slip that there was much more to the Cheesehead story than she'd previously let on: Somehow, this obese rat had crept out of his cage and made his way into my parents' bed, and my father, settling in for the night...sat on him. In short, my dad popped Cheesehead.

I would like to note here that we have questioned both parents extensively, and have found no evidence of foul play. Also, to my knowledge, this has nothing to do with my dad's disdain for guinea pigs.

God this post got weird.

Aaaaaannnnnd We're Back!

After what seems an eternity (eternity=1 week) of living in the stone age, I'm finally back to suckling the sweet nectar of the internet. It couldn't have come sooner either--at dinner with my mom tonight, I was griping about all of the nagging/complaints/death threats that I've received from friends and readers over the past week, and instead of providing maternal comfort, she looked up from her plate and said, "Yeah, why no new posts? It's been too damn long!"

The plural pronoun in the title ain't no lie: I've brought the Five Men along for my big comeback. If you're a new reader, I'm referring to a regular feature called Five Men's Fashion First Impressions, and you should most definitely read their intro and get all caught up so you'll know what everyone's talking about around the water cooler tomorrow!

Anyway, Queen Marie wrote a hilarious post about the...umm...unique?...purses pictured below (priced at over $500 each), and requested the men's opinions. I'm not one to defy a Queen, so let's get crackin':


Brother, age 20: Wait...that's a shoe? Umm....(scowling)...I really don't like it.
Me: Why?
Brother, age 20: Well, I'm starting to like it.
Me: What? Why?
Brother, age 20: Cuz it would stand up when you set it down!
Me: Are you serious?
Brother, age 20: LOVE IT!

Brother, age 12: (Cocks head to the side, long pause) OK...Is it a shoe or a purse or a clam? Cuz I seriously can't tell.

Father: (Laughing) That's probably one of the dumber ideas I think I've ever seen. They have succeeded in making a sow out of a silk purse...(Notices price)...Five hundred dollars??
Me: Yep.
Father: I think it should be about twice that price.
Me: Why?
Father: Because then nobody would buy it.
[Editor's Note: Someday I'll sit my dad down and gently tell him that people buy $1,000 purses, but not today.]

Brother, age 18, grumpy as hell because I got him out of bed to do this: Bag trying to be a shoe? Or shoe that looks like a bag? Fuck it, I love America but this is too much. How many trees died for these? Hate life, so tired. No more of these please.

Boyfriend: Whoa. Wait. A shoe bag? Shoe. Bag. Hmm...Is it so women can put it down on the bathroom floor and not get grossed out?
[Editor's Note: This is when I said, "Holy shit! Is it?"]

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: This Fits On a Person?

Today's subject is this extremely intriguing $1500 Missoni, um, belt:

I've been obsessed with this thing since I first saw it in Queen Marie's fabulously funny post, and I knew it would confuse the hell out of the men.

And yeah, it did:

Brother, age 12: OK. First off, what is it?
Me: It's a belt.
Brother, age 12: Whoa. I think...goth...rivets...modern art....torture device....

The Father: Holy shit! (Long pause, followed by unconstrained laughter) Well, there ought to be a whole other branch of fashion called Futile Fashion. The Frank Lloyd Wright thing of form follows function has really been ignored [editor's note: my dad has lectured me on this every day since I was born]. That's really bizarre. How much is it?
Me: Fifteen hundred.
Father: Holy shit!

The Boyfriend: Oh wow. What is that supposed to be? (Looks at the title that says "leather lattice belt" and assumes a knowing tone) Ah, a lah-teece belt. Well, it looks like an S&M toy.

Brother, age 17: WHAT THE FUCK. I don't know, I get an erector set vibe...commercial fishing vibe...
(Leaves the room, returns 5 minutes later)
Brother, age 17: What was that, anyway?
Me: A belt.
Brother, age 17: Whaattt?

Brother, age 20: I don't know what to say. This fits on a person?
Me: It's a belt.
Brother, age 20: Ummm...but, it's not a belt. I've never seen anything like this. I'm confounded.


p.s. If you are more enamored than confounded, and are also Bill Gates, the belt is available here.

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: Adorable Profanity-Laden Edition

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the $358 Marc by Marc Jacobs mouse shoes:

My mom and I were cooing over a picture of these (c'mon, how could you not love those little ears??) when we turned to each other and said, in unison, "I wonder what a guy would think of these." Lucky for us (and you), we didn't ask a guy, we asked five:

Brother, Age 11: Ratlike. Whiskers are kind of cute. I've never seen whiskers on shoes. Looks like a cat toy.

Brother, Age 17: I'm missing Bourne Supremacy right now. They're fucking mice. Why do I even care?
Editor's note: Jesus, what crawled up his ass?

Brother, Age 20: I actually really like them. They're great. I would wear them.

Father: (Sighs) I knew it had to happen sooner or later.

Boyfriend: Looks like what a third grader would do to her mom's nice new shoes. I mean, they would be nice without the mouse parts. (Tries to conceal a grin)
Me: I'm calling you out. I think you think they're adorable!
Boyfriend: No, no I don't!
Me: Yes you do.
Boyfriend: (Pause and more grinning) So they're kind of adorable...OK, they're pretty fuckin' cute.


So, which profanity-anchored sentiment do you believe best describes these babies--"Pretty fuckin' cute" or "They're fucking mice."? I'm fuckin' excited to hear what you think!

p.s. Sorry if this was the day that you were like, "Grandma, come sit by me and we'll read this wholesome lil' website together!"

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: Gas Planets & Man Hands

It's been a long while indeed, but the men are back in action, baby. If you're new to the blog, you might want to catch up on the FMFFI phenom by reading the intro here, or clicking on the FMFFI label below to read the whole archive of confused men vs. high fashion.

In case you're too lazy to click on links, and because I'm an enabler, allow me to explain: Five Men's Fashion First Impressions is a popular feature here at Daddy Likey, in which I ask my boyfriend, dad, and brothers for their opinions on a slightly puzzling (often, really puzzling) piece of high fashion, and publish the first things that come out of their mouths (or, in the case of my dad today, the first many things, plus a photo).

Today's fashion item is this incredibly, er, substantial bracelet from Matthew Williamson's runway show:

I must confess that I lifted this photo from one of Queen Michelle's posts, but I figured that since she's a fan of FMFFI, she wouldn't mind (hopefully, she'll spare my head). You might also recognize the bracelet from Mischa Barton's unfortunate British Elle cover, hilariously dissed here by The Fug Girls.

I happen to think this bracelet is beyond cool (yes, seriously), but let's see what the men make of it, shall we?

Brother, Age 12: Hmmm...it looks like a basketball with a hole through it covered in beads and snakeskin and candy wrappers. Or is it a disco ball?

Brother, Age 17: That's a real thing? (Thoughtful pause) Did someone already say, 'Jupiter?'
Me: No.
Brother, Age 17: Jupiter. Or any gas planet, I guess.

Father: (Long silence) It looks like a bracelet with Elephantiasis.
Me: What the hell is Elephantiasis?
Father: It's a filarial disease. It makes your extremities swell up, among other things...(Another long silence as he stares at the photo)...That's a man's hand.
Me: No it's not.
Father: Yes it is.
Me: No, I have a full photo of the woman walking down the runway.
Father: Oh yeah? Well, she has man hands.
(Another long silence as he stares at the photo, then opens desk drawer to retrieve his extremely chic magnifying glasses, shown below*)

After studying the photo intently under magnification, he proclaims, "That's a man's hand. I'd bet money on it; that is a MAN's hand."

Boyfriend: (Eyes widen in surprise) Your dad was right. Those do look like man hands.

Brother, Age 20: I want to know what kind of man wears a complete purple silk jumpsuit.
Me: Do you think those are a man's hands too?
Brother, Age 20: They are.


So, I did a little digging on Style.com and found that the apparently man-handed model is Hilary Rhoda. Hilary, I apologize. Maybe we could do lunch and put this whole gender-questioning thing behind us, eh?

*Concerning this photo, my dad says, "This is me smiling," and my mom says, "Back off, ladies, he's mine."

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: The Comeback

Today's installment of FMFFI goes out to Connie, who was kind enough to send me an email requesting the return of the Five Men (I don't really know why they had a little hiatus--maybe cuz they all have major attitudes and kept telling me to "Go away! I'm not feeling witty right now! I need some Tums!") and alerting me to the existence of these boots:

Duccio Del Duca, $259 down from $650, bluefly.com

Umm...er...well...jesus...I think I'll just let the men take it from here. They were all quite chatty (and vitriolic) tonight. I probably shouldn't have told them about the whole "adoring fans" thing. They've turned into divas. Anyway:

The Boyfriend, who, to his credit, had been up for twenty hours straight: (Eyes widen) What the hell? Wait...What is that? Is that fur on the front? (Makes a few sad puns about lion feet) Can you just make it funny for me?

The Father: Are these real? Is this real? (Points to the fur, suspicious) The photo looks doctored here...(I assure him that the picture is indeed real) They look like somebody put them together with a glue gun and gave 'em to Goodwill. They're just ugly and dumb, with an emphasis on "dumb."

Brother, age 17: First thought? The bear shoes they make in The Edge, starring Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin.

Brother, age 11: It looks like someone pasted a bunch of rotten popcorn onto a piece of leather and put a piece of wood on it to make it a shoe...I'm not quite sure how to phrase that.

Brother, age 20: Many problems here--I don't know where they got that fur but it still has blood and dirt on it. Maybe they should clean it before putting it on some shoes. Plus it is obviously from a rat. Also, I really don't appreciate having a fall/winter item posted for June. But anyway, personally I wouldn't go for the low top and the tall heel (especially this season). I would choose a smaller heel for a sportier look and a different leather cut. Overall: Zero out of Ten for being worthless shit

Okay, then.

Thanks Connie!

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: It's a shoe. Made out of barkdust. What do you want me to say?

When I first saw this pair of Christian Louboutin slingbacks, I was...intrigued.

"Oh, that clever Christian!" I mused, "look how he has taken the cork heel trend to its delightfully ironic limit and made a whole shoe that looks like it's made of cork! What a brilliant meta commentary!"

But then I continued reading Saks Fifth Avenue's description, and discovered that doesn't just look like cork, it is cork. And some damn expensive cork too: $660 to be exact. I mean, theoretically, with a slab of cork, a pen knife, and a lot of time, I could craft myself a pair of these babies (in fact, maybe the designer should market a Make Your Own Louboutins! kit that contains instructions and the aforementioned items and price it some steal of a deal like $300).

Okay, yeah, so maybe whenever I see, like, a ceramic bowl or a painting, or a houseboat, I scoff, "Psh! Why would I buy that? I could make that!" and then I go home and don't make it because, turns out, I don't have the tools or the skill or the time or the motivation, and then I get kind of sad that I didn't buy it because I secretly really wanted it but I can't abandon my self righteous I-could-make-that kick now so I just resign myself to living a life without joy.

But let's pretend for a moment that my "I could make that!" attitude is not a sad truth but actually a deeper observation--so maybe I couldn't really make these shoes, but if it looks like I could make them, I'm not sure I want to pay triple digits for it. I think this was my problem when assymetrical hemlines were all the rage. As a completely incompetent seamstress, all my attempts at shortening skirts or dresses accidentally came out looking like very purposefully crafted handkerchief hems. Naturally, I was vehemently against the clothing that looked like this on purpose.

After roiling in my own shoe confusion for awhile, I thought, if I'm this painfully baffled, I wonder how the men would feel about these? So I asked them:

Brother, age 12: (Confused) They look like that kind of wood that's like a bunch of bark chips glued together. And they only have a little red on them. All shoes should have a lot of red on them, cuz red is my favorite color. People should acknowledge that I have a favorite color.
(Jesus, someone's got some issues.)

Brother, age 17: It's a shoe. Made out of barkdust. What do you want me to say?

Brother, age 20: Good luck matching an outfit to these! Also, I cannot recall any point in my entire life when I have even noticed that any other person was wearing shoes. Much less actually looked at them. So I really don't understand this female shoe thing.

(Okay, yeah, these seemed to bring up some issues for all of my brothers.)

Boyfriend: Hmm... Hmm... Love cork. Love the shoe style. But the two don't mix.
(I've dated the boy for three years and I had no idea he loved cork. I didn't even know a person could love cork. It seems kind of like loving drywall or something, although if you love cork, that's totally cool. I might even date you.)

The Father: Huh. (Studies them intently, stroking his chin) It looks like chip board...secondary wood waste or something. And while they look marginally functional, they don't look anywhere close to being worth $660. Cork. Pfffttt. Big deal.

I've gotta say amen, Dad, amen.

Breaking! Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: Redux

My last post (see below) sparked both Candid Cool and La Femme to request an emergency meeting of the men's minds. They want to know what the famous five think about this dress:


Not only was I intrigued by the idea of showing the men something less extreme, but also, if I go by the standard formula used by politicians (as I always do) that every opinion letter published in the newspaper represents 10,000 similar opinions, that means those two comments represent roughly 20,000 Daddy Likey readers that feel the same way, right? What's that you say? Egregious error in logic? I don't have anywhere close to 20,000 readers? Oh well. Two is enough.

The men seemed suspicious and nervous when I unveiled the picture, looking to me for a clue, whispering, "Is this supposed to be bad?" and offering me various bribes for the answer. I refused their offers, kept my opinion a secret (I guess it's a good thing they only pretend to read my blog or they would have known it), and this is what they said:

The Boyfriend: Perfect to wear to a Shakespearean play. I'm not sure I'm diggin' the sleeves...

The Father: It would be difficult for anyone under 6'5" to wear it. Otherwise, it looks nice.

Brother, age 19: Decent. I would sweat in it. I think the sash is played.

Brother, age 17: It looks really Arabian. Really Middle-Eastern. Really Jasmine-from-Aladdin-y.

Brother, age 12: It looks like someone took a pig and painted it magenta and scrunched it up and then tied it with a purple bow. It looks scrunchly [sic]. I don't like it.

So what have we learned here today?

-I should definitely break up with my boyfriend.

-If there is a possible right answer involved, straight men are terrified to pass judgment on clothes. My nineteen-year-old brother literally ran away from me multiple times after he realized that he couldn't just make a crack about how ugly it was. I guess there's good reason behind this fear, though (see first bullet point).

-Executives at Lucky magazine are probably going to read my seventeen-year-old brother's comment, say "This is the raw talent we've been looking for," and have him start work right away. That would be ironic-y, no?

-When my nineteen-year-old brother looks at an item of women's clothing, his first thought is apparently how much he would sweat in it if he were to don it for the day.

-Even though pretty much every morning when my mom asks my dad how she looks, he comes up with a really random and offensive thing to say, like, "That skirt is the exact color of squamulous lichen," he came through here with a sharp insight and a thumbs-up for the most perfect dress in the world. Go Dad!

-My little brother is obsessed with disturbing farm animal analogies.

-The men now take requests. If you find something you'd like them to weigh in on, email me a picture, grow a thick skin, and tune in for the next FMFFI! As always, you can reach me at daddylikeyblog@gmail.com

p.s. Thanks Candid and Femmey (that's my new pet name for you) for the inspiration.

A Glimpse Inside the Minds of Men

Yes, it is time once again for the always fun feature Five Men's Fashion First Impressions, in which I show the five men in my life an intriguing/confusing/frightening fashion item and record their immediate responses.

Our item of the day, a "piano fringe" (I believe the more appropriate term is "shredded to hell") cardigan by Rick Owens Lilies, currently available on netaporter.com for $524. Behold:


You know, when I was in music class in second grade, we sang this really stupid song about the excitement of election day (sample lyric: Election day! Election day! The day we decide how it's gonna be!). I wouldn't know the true excitement of election day for another ten years, so instead of singing it once more with feeling as our music teacher pleaded, I found a string hanging off of my sweater, and I pulled on it until class was over. It was great fun, and by the end of class I had an exact replica of this cardigan we're discussing today--had I only known that I could have sold it online for $500, a sum that would have secured me one hell of a lot of My Little Ponies.

But enough about me. Here are the men:

The Boyfriend: It looks like what you'd find on a corpse after it's been decomposing for six months.

The Father: First of all, what is it?
Me: It's a cardigan.
The Father: They're calling that a cardigan? (pained laugh) Oh Jesus...Well, it looks like something Morticia Adams would be really happy with. That's really atrocious.

Brother, age 19: This is quite a "fashion don't." It's just made of that mesh they bag onions with. I could make that.

Brother, age 17: Portuguese Man-of-War.

Brother, age 12: (eyes widen) It looks like a spider...and a cow...fused into one.
Me: How the hell does this look like a cow?
Brother, age 12: It's milky...and smooth...I don't know how to explain it, ok??

Brother, age 12, returns half an hour later, stifling laughter: It looks like something a (dramatic airquotes) "widow" would wear. Get it? Like black widow. See, when you write it, just put parentheses around "widow" and it's a joke. Cuz I already mentioned spider so I gave you the perfect set-up for this.

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions

That's right, folks! It's time for another installment of the always popular and completely uncatchy as an acronym FMFFI. If you're just tuning in, read this and/or this to get all caught up. We'll wait.

Got it? Good. Today's fashion item is one of the many intriguing creations from the Giles Fall 2007 Ready-to-Wear (I might have to disagree with that) fashion show:


Take it away, fellas!

The Boyfriend: (Gasps) What the hell is going on here? There's just no way this can be salvaged...

The Father: Jesus! (Giggles like a schoolgirl) That is the biggest, orangest cow excrescence* I've ever seen.
*For definition, see below.

Brother, age 12: What is that?? It looks like a dead boa constrictor killing a golden statue with a human head and fuzzy feet!

Brother, age 17: Hmmmm...Those legs look like the draft horse legs, you know, at the county fair?

Brother, age 19: That's how Jon Voight died in Anaconda!


And finally, the definition of "excrescence," according to my dad: "Well, it's a big blob of undifferentiated, rotting, putrescent flesh."

I'll leave you with that.

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions

Yes, it's time again for a feature that proved quite popular in its recent debut. In case you're just tuning in, FMFFI is when I ask my five men (father, boyfriend, brothers) for their (always) honest opinion of a controversial fashion item, and confusion and hilarity ensues.

Today, the gender representatives were shown a picture of this Alexander McQueen ostrich feather hem dress, currently selling on Net-A-Porter for a cool $10,730:

And now, the men:

The boyfriend: Ooooorrggghhhhh (painful little moaning sound)....That's horrible! It looks like an ostrich! Oh, it is an ostrich. Why??

The father: (Recoils in disgust) Aw, jesus christ. (Points to the ostrich egg that is for some reason sitting on a shelf behind our computer, yes, seriously) You should say that you can lay one of those with this dress.

Brother, age 11: Ugly. What's the price?
Me: Ten thousand dollars.
Brother, age 11: Oh my god.

Brother, age 17: The skirt looks like that one giant muppet's head*.

Brother, age 19: (Curiously calm and withdrawn, shaking his head) It doesn't speak to me. It doesn't speak to me.

*Upon further prodding and google image searching, we realized the muppet in question was indeed "Sweetums," star of The Muppet Movie and shown here in a screenshot with costar Milton Berle:

Alexander McQueen can shave/slaughter as many ostriches as needed for his fashions, but for the love of god, spare Sweetums.

Let Us Begin With the Balenciaga Boot, and End with Willow.

Ladies and gentlemen, the infamous Balenciaga boot:


Yes, this is the terrifying shoe (although should it really be called a shoe? Perhaps "Morbid Foot Chamber of Torture and Pain" is a better suited moniker?) that Mary Kate Olsen loves. A lot. Like, this is how much she loves them:

photo from people.com

She wears them all the damn time. I'm not gonna judge too harshly here; I mean, there have been days where I've gotten up from a nice restful sleep and said to myself, "You know, I feel like purposefully and calculatedly afflicting myself with severe back pain today," and these shoes would be perfect for that.

But I digress. These boots are an extreme but potent example of the Great Shoe-Appreciation Gender Gap. You see, most women probably hate this shoe. They probably think it looks dumb and scary and they would never want to own a pair, but they also kind of get it. They have a context for this shoe. They've worn mega-high heels and platforms before; they've heard of the "pain is beauty" concept and employ it occassionally (or maybe often). So while they may not appreciate the shoe itself, they can appreciate the path of slowly escalating fashion moderation that ultimately led to such Balenciaga extremes. To the average comfort-embracing, shoe-confused, sneaker-wearing man, however, these boots are a mysterious phenomenon, a strange and terrifying beast unlike any Nikes encountered before.

With that in mind, today I'd like to introduce a new Daddy Likey feature: Five Men's Fashion First Impressions. Ever so often, I'll show a controversial high fashion item (hence the boots) to the extremly honest and blunt group of men that are my 3 brothers, father, and boyfriend, say "What do you think of this?" and publish the first things that come out of their mouths.

Without further ado, Five Men's First Impressions of the Balenciaga Boot:

The boyfriend: (audible and dramatic gasp) Oh my god! That's horrible! What is that??

The father: Cruel shoes! Cruel shoes! (this time said in an accent with a look of anticipation) Oh...You've never heard that Steve Martin skit? You should. It's funny. They're cruel shoes. They look cruel.

Brother, age 11: Too fancy. Too leathery. Too strappy. Too fabricy. Did you already put "too high"?

Brother, age 17: What? What the hell? Look, that heel looks like a Handy-Vac!

Brother, age 19: (lights up with recognition when I show him the picture) Oh! The midgets in Willow wear those! (Raises his hand into the air and lowers his voice a few octaves) Out of the way, peck!

Now, if you are confused as hell right now, allow me a bit of explaining that will probably confuse you more. Willow is a 1988 movie starring Val Kilmer that pretty much all men (and by "pretty much all men," I mean "all the men in my family") are obsessed with. The IMDB plot outline says it all: "A reluctant dwarf must play a critical role in protecting a special baby from an evil queen."

In one of the scenes, this reluctant dwarf is clutching the baby as a soldier on a horse gallops by and bellows, "Out of the way, peck!" Apparently, men know this scene like women know Harry's final appeal from When Harry Met Sally, because when I mentioned Willow to my seventeen-year-old brother later that day, he immediately sprang from his seat, raised his hand into the air, and in an identical tone bellowed, "Out of the way, peck!"

Of course, this begs the question: Is Mary Kate's boyfriend secretly amusing himself with Willow references everytime she wears the boots?

It's a definite possibility.