Monday, November 26, 2007

Coats for the Real Douchebag

One of my BBFFs (Best Blogging Friend Forever, duh), Wendy B, made an extremely insightful comment regarding my last post: "What if I have to find a coat for a douchebag? Any suggestions for that situation?"

If I were Oprah, I would call this an "Aha Moment." (If I really were Oprah, like hell I'd be writing a fashion blog--I'd be paying Matt Damon to eat mini quiche off his abs).

How could I have been so insensitive? How many douchebags read that post and were left reeling by my brusque disregard for their feelings? How many girlfriends of douchebags are still desperately searching for the perfect douchebag-friendly coat?


I asked my brothers for help with this one, because although they are not douchebags themselves, they are experts in the field. I had them on speaker phone as we undertook a massive online search, which included the following unfortunate incident:

Brother: Oh my GOD!
Me: Jesus, what?
Brother: Don't type "douche" into Google if you have your image filter off.

Yes, it was a harrowing task, and one that stole my brother's innocence, but eventually, we found a selection of warm weather essentials perfect for douchebags of any stripe:

Ah, the classic douchebag. Toned, gelled, and bronzed, his well-practiced leer says narcissism with a twist of misogyny, on the rocks. "No means yes" is his middle name, and for this douche, only the finest American icon will do.

Not all douchebags are conformists. Some pretend they are Jared Leto.

This form of douchebaggyness occurs when the skater pothead in the back of your high school science class somehow secures a steady stream of girlfriends into his mid 20's, inflating his ego to dangerous proportions. A busy-print hoodie accessorized with faux gang sign? Dope, yo.

I'm not actually going to tell you where to buy these.

25 comments:

Sara said...

Wow! This is hysterical. I'm sorry your poor brother had to lose his innocence in pursuit of douchebagginess. But, well done!

ambika said...

You should do a Linnaeus type breakdown of all the kinds of douchebag you encounter in the field. Somehow, I think this is only the tip of the iceberg.

WendyB said...

I think I'm going to get a bunch of the Playboy style for the meerkats. I mean, seriously, those guys are douchebags!

Heather said...

haha thanks, douchebags certainly have a right to be warm too... I guess... I'm glad you didn't tell anyone where to buy them though... and if they already know, tell them not to talk to me.

Robin Claire said...

HAHAHA! A coat for every type of douchebag. Perfect.

nadarine said...

although.......
a tone-on-tone allover print hoodie (w a non-douchey design, clearly) can be worn by normal people. Unless they have stoned-face and are making faux-gang signs, that is.

Devin said...

"No means yes"

- George Washington Carver

Candid Cool said...

awesome

lindsay said...

oh dear god winona, have my babies.

Miss Janey said...

That's three douchebags off MIss Janey's list.

la petite fashionista said...

ahahahhaa the first & third are something almost every college guy i know would wear. lovely suggestions. & yes i truly enjoy the faux gang sign thrown up by the model/thug

bigglassesgirl said...

what about a faux-fur lined hoodie? Those embody high-class

Cris Lazoru said...

Ohh hilarious post!

C.

Tom said...

As a douchebag, I am heartily offended. Very funnny post.

do dah said...

is the last hoodie also... shiny?

enna said...

This is an amazing post.

But I think you forgot the floor-length leather trench, for those of the "look at me, I'm so badass, right?" persuasion.

faux mccoy said...

word ;-)

Amy said...

Hehe, hilarious post!

And as for that last example, I actually saw a real live douchebag in a douchebaggy coat just yesterday! I swear, you could feel the douchebaggyness radiating off of this guy. When I walked by him, I literally expected him to flick his cigarette bud onto the sidewalk in front of me and use some douchebaggy pick-up line like "Nice shoes, wanna f**k?"
Or, you know, something like that.

Peajai said...

So I guess the fact that my boyfriend loves printed hoodies, never smiles in pictures and likes throwing up weird "signs" totally makes him a douchebag... *sigh* Add him to your prayer list.

Christine said...

holy crap...I think I know about 30 versions of the guy in the last picture. glad that I don't know any faux-Letos (Letaux's?) though.

Jessica McWilliams said...

That's no faux-throw up, that's the "Gotcha" sign. =)

the iron chic said...

Haha!
You're blog is really funny!!!!!!!
Can't wait to read more.
People I think are douchebags:

John Mayer (Groan)
Criss Angel
The singer of Goo Goo Dolls

reka said...

ooooh man. I briefly dated a version of that last guy. Just add skinny pants and a stack of obscure records that he stockpiles for his DJ "career". Hilarious, I love this post.

Jamie, Shad and Shiloh said...

ew that first guy is wearing a man thong. i can tell by the sparkle in his evil little eyes. p.s. i am so going to integrate the term douchebag into my vocabulary

Douchewatcher said...

great post, i am linking to you immediately...

and i know a thing or 2 about douchebags

-emdee
www.douchewatcher.com

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