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One of my BBFFs (Best Blogging Friend Forever, duh), Wendy B, made an extremely insightful comment regarding my last post: "What if I have to find a coat for a douchebag? Any suggestions for that situation?"If I were Oprah, I would call this an "Aha Moment." (If I really were Oprah, like hell I'd be writing a fashion blog--I'd be paying Matt Damon to eat mini quiche off his abs).
How could I have been so insensitive? How many douchebags read that post and were left reeling by my brusque disregard for their feelings? How many girlfriends of douchebags are still desperately searching for the perfect douchebag-friendly coat?I asked my brothers for help with this one, because although they are not douchebags themselves, they are experts in the field. I had them on speaker phone as we undertook a massive online search, which included the following unfortunate incident:Brother: Oh my GOD!Me: Jesus, what?Brother: Don't type "douche" into Google if you have your image filter off.Yes, it was a harrowing task, and one that stole my brother's innocence, but eventually, we found a selection of warm weather essentials perfect for douchebags of any stripe:
Ah, the classic douchebag. Toned, gelled, and bronzed, his well-practiced leer says narcissism with a twist of misogyny, on the rocks. "No means yes" is his middle name, and for this douche, only the finest American icon will do.
Not all douchebags are conformists. Some pretend they are Jared Leto.
This form of douchebaggyness occurs when the skater pothead in the back of your high school science class somehow secures a steady stream of girlfriends into his mid 20's, inflating his ego to dangerous proportions. A busy-print hoodie accessorized with faux gang sign? Dope, yo.I'm not actually going to tell you where to buy these.
Editor's note: I attempted to finish up this post and publish it on both Thursday and Friday, but on Thursday I binged on turkey and then watched a four hour documentary on the genocide in Darfur (my boyfriend chooses the most uplifting Thanksgiving entertainment), and yesterday I saw No Country for Old Men. Neither of these films proved conducive to writing jokes.
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So, an embarrassingly long time ago, one of my very dear friends, Lindsay, sent me this email:
Winona,
I have a serious question for you on behalf of my BF Alec. This is why I'm writing to you through your very important and official website blog email. He is currently searching for a jacket, a medium weight, perhaps military inspired, appropriate for a brisk day with possibly layering at a moderate price (maybe under $100). We have been looking for a website that this could be found on, but alas I'm unskilled at online shopping and even more so when it comes to men's clothing.Love and Bunnies,
Lindsay
Between my move and the ensuing Comcast dramz, I didn't have a chance to craft a full reply before today, but I did have a chance to scour the internet in search of cool men's coats. That search led me to few coats, and one big epiphany: It is borderline impossible to find men's clothes if you are not a douchebag.
I mean, Lindsay and Alec's request doesn't seem that crazy--a cool jacket, under $100--but it is, when you consider that the mid-priced male clothing world seems to be dominated by shit like this:
Seriously. Browsing the men's section of shopping sites is like trudging through a frat party at 3 am. It's an exhausting endeavor, indeed. I brought up this issue with my own non-douchebag boyfriend, and he said flatly, "Yeah, why do you think I never go shopping?"
Even when you find a non-douchebagy item, it is almost always modeled by a douchebag, hence tainting its beauty:
I love this coat. I think it is a beautiful, versatile, flattering coat. But if the model doesn't get the hell over himself in, like, the next minute, I'm going to track him down and punch him in the mouth.
If you're less sensitive than me, here's the info: Mavi Jeans Military Twill Jacket, originally $128, on sale for $65, macys.com
But anyway, I prevailed. I trudged through countless proverbial frat parties, past the puddles of beer, ass grabs, leering glances, and sexist jokes (anyone who wants to complain about my stereotyping of fraternities, go to a fraternity), and I found a few good coats.
First up, one of the few places my boyfriend does shop: J. Crew. (He'll take Hamptons gay over douchebag any day.) Since no one can afford their normal clothes anymore, the online sale section is where it's at, and two supernice, good quality, military-inspired, mostly affordable jackets are hiding there right now:
Love love love this one. It's corduroy, has great details, and is only 80 bucks.
Cord Geary Jacket, jcrew.com
Maybe a bit boring, but it will go with anything, last forever, and keep you warm.
Fatigue Jacket, $99 (down from $145), jcrew.com
During my Great Jacket Search, I came across Topman, the male version of Topshop. I didn't do enough research to be able to declare it douchebag-free, but I did quite enjoy their coat selection. A couple favorites:
Brown Wool Mix Bomber Jacket, 60 pounds (let me just calculate that in dollars real quick...hmm...let's see...factor in the stock market, the war in Iraq, interest rates, the rise of China, the world hating us, and...this coat probably costs like five grand. Damn.), topman.com
Black Longline Jacket, 65 pounds (same deal--and for Americans, "deal" is definitely the wrong word to use there), topman.com
So yeah, the one tiny problem with Topman is that whole currency exchange thing. I'm sure it will blow over soon.
And, thank the lord, you can always count on Ebay. I typed in something really complex like "military-inspired jacket" and found some great options at great prices. One Ebay store I really like is GS-Sense, where I found tons of rad, military-inspired jackets for under 100 bucks. Like these:
G-Star, $89.99
G-Star, $59.99
G-Star, $119
And now, dear readers, I reach out to you for help. Know of any places where Alec could find a sweet jacket? Have any suggestions in general for guys who'd rather not wear message tees containing slightly differentiated versions of "I have a big penis."? Please, share your wisdom in the comments!
"Wow, that's fucked up."
In the words of Stewie Griffin, "Victory is Mine!" Yes, I have finally triumphed over the evil, bloodsucking villain that is Comcast, and attained my own internet connection. Which means...Daddy Likey is back! For serious! Tell your friends!
I do believe that it has been waaaayyy too long since the last installment of Don't Show-cha Your Chocha, don't you?
One of my readers was confused as to why this classic Britney ensemble had yet to be featured on DSYC:
And now, so am I.
Jessica found this shot from a recent Jenni Kayne collection:
Looks like Jenni Kayne wanted to make this model work even harder during NY Fashion Week. Sit the girl in the teeny skirt in a chair.
Definition of Subtlety: See Below.
Says Kirsten: Holy jeebus! And to think this is from Armani.... It's like, hey, how can we make this any more crotch revealing? We'll add a slit in the middle! Brilliant!
Eritia found this little number while browsing Macy's:
Just be sure whatever event you wear it to is standing-room only.Check out this gem:
Says Andrea: When I saw this picture, my first thought was, "My, yes indeed!"Alyson sent me the following email: I am honoured to submit the attached picture of serial offender Sienna Miller to the DSYC catalogue of shame. Surely with all the fashion labels clamouring to "dress" her she could have scored a bit more material!
I totally concur. I would call it the cutest dress ever...problem is, that ain't no dress.And finally, in honor of the concert (aka IMMINENT HIGHLIGHT OF MY LIFE) which I will be attending in approximately three weeks, a Spice Girls DSYC:
Says the brilliant Christine: Of course, the Union Jack dress! It's not even Don't Show-Cha Your Chocha because we're actually seeing her chocha here.
I've gots to get me one of these before December 9th. Anyone know where I should look?
Well, Comcast screwed me over and I guess I actually won't have reliable internet until Sunday. I was more than a little upset by this and believe I actually used the phrase, "Do you know who you're talking to??" while on the phone with one of their technicians. This is especially bad news because my friend Alec is shivering in the cold right now, awaiting an official coat recommendation from me. COMCAST, IF ALEC LOSES HIS FINGERS IT'S ON YOUR CONSCIENCE! I've been able to get teeny slices of internet at the library and so forth, so I'll try to get a couple more posts up this week, but if things are slow, you'll know why. And Alec, dear Alec, don't pull a Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic and freeze to death, leaving me no choice but to say, "I'll never let go, Alec," as I drop your frigid body into the Atlantic. (Sidenote: did it annoy anyone else that she says "I'll never let go" as she lets him go? I mean, I get the metaphor, but isn't that sort of like saying "I won't shoot you" as you pull the trigger? Harsh.)Praying for internet and warm weather,Winona
Ah, the classic douchebag. Toned, gelled, and bronzed, his well-practiced leer says narcissism with a twist of misogyny, on the rocks. "No means yes" is his middle name, and for this douche, only the finest American icon will do.
Not all douchebags are conformists. Some pretend they are Jared Leto.
This form of douchebaggyness occurs when the skater pothead in the back of your high school science class somehow secures a steady stream of girlfriends into his mid 20's, inflating his ego to dangerous proportions. A busy-print hoodie accessorized with faux gang sign? Dope, yo.
