Finals Week...

...means I am neither productive nor witty. Be back tomorrow!

Woodrow here.

Remember me? Quick recap: I'm a beaver. I really like wood. I also really liked Yves Saint Laurent's latest collection. But who didn't?

I digress.

These shoes look like they are made entirely of wood, which could make things awkward if you saw someone wearing them and just HAD to take a bite to see if they tasted as delicious as they looked, and then the person wearing them started screaming "Aaaggghhh! These are $300 shoes! Where the hell did this beaver come from??"


But I would never do that. Yessiree, you'd have to be a pretty dumb beaver to do a dumb thing like that. Pretty dumb.

Robert Clergerie Morris, $274, zappos.com

Happy 3.14, Everybody!

I'm on my way to a Pi Party where we shall watch Pi and eat pizza pies followed by pecan pie. I assume you are making your math teacher proud and doing the same. Have a great weekend!

A Good Foundation is Essential

Yesterday, I promised to give you the lowdown on hot bras for us larger-cupped ladies, except that's an awful phrase, so let me try again: Big-busted beauties? Must...stop...alliterating...

Anyway, finding a bra when you're bigger than a C-cup can be a difficult task, and when I say "difficult task," I mean it can make you want to throw a molotov cocktail into those damn Victoria's Secret drawers and relocate to an African tribe where you can just flop freely.

Since sixth grade, I've endured heartache and backache in search of a supportive bra that was also, you know, cute. Yes, I know, I demand a lot. During that long journey through underwire and lace, here's what I've found:

Best All-Around Bra That You Might Need to Sell Your Car to Afford But It Would Be Worth It

Chantelle Graphie T-Shirt Bra

The last time I went to Nordstrom for a bra fitting, I told my Personal Breast Specialist or whatever the hell they're called that I was on a bit of a budget and if she could only bring me the cheapo shit from the clearance rack, that would be great. She came back with an armload of brassieres, one of which was a $75 Chantelle t-shirt bra.

Now, before I continue, I have to give you some backstory. As long as I can remember, my mom has stressed to my brothers and I the importance of a good brassiere. She would often line us up (yes I'm being serious) and have us repeat the phrase "A good foundation is essential," until we could say it back to her, verbatim. At random intervals she would test my brothers especially, summoning them from backyard football games to ask, "No matter how poor you are or how many bills you have to pay, what is the one thing you will always buy for your wife?"

"A good bra!" my brothers would declare, and then, with a nod of my mom's head, they were allowed to continue playing.

So, no one can say that I don't appreciate the importance of a good bra, it's just that, wow, $75? Really? I tend to be more of a $30 girl (see below). I told the Nordstrom lady to get it out of my sight immediately, but instead she did some kind of ninja move (little known fact: the Nordstrom lingerie department trains in Japan with Shredder and the Foot Clan) and had me clasped into it before I could say "Holy shit! I'll take it!"

I ended up buying it, and I've worn it nearly every day since. Chantelle makes different styles of bras that cost even more (some go for $100 and up), which are also amazing, but I'm waiting to buy those until I secure a lucrative book deal (title of my memoir: A Good Foundation Is Essential).

Best Affordable Bra Brand That Looks Expensive

Felina
(available at Nordstrom, Bare Necessities, etc.)

Ah, Felina. This brand has been a favorite of mine for years. Their styles are just as cute as the mega-expensive brands but usually cost around 30 bucks. They're not as durable as a brand like Chantelle, but you can buy, like, fifty of them for the same price. Love love love.

Best Supportive Bra that Your Grandmother Would Never Wear (No Offense, Grandma)

Anything by Freya
(available at Fig Leaves, Nordstrom, etc.)

Freya is another fairly new find for me. I love them with a burning passion because they achieve the rare and amazing trifecta of being sexy, comfortable, and actually holding your boobs up.
They have the youngest, funkiest styles I've found for larger cup sizes--colorful and perfect for letting a strap peek out.

They're a bit on the spendy side too, but I found one the other day for 15 bucks at Nordstrom Rack (not to brag...OK, yeah, I'm totally bragging. Jealous?). Even at full price, they're worth it. And many of their bras are available in up to a J-cup, which is totally awesome.

Best Sports Bra That Eliminates The Worry That Your Boobs Might Actually Fly Off During a Vigorous Run*

Adidas Active Underwire Bra, $40, nordstrom.com

I've tried many a sports bra in my day, and none have come close to the effectiveness and comfort of this fairly basic, fairly affordable standby. In fact, there was a time when I misplaced mine for a few weeks, and I gained like ten pounds. That's how important this bra is to my life. And, apparently, how much my metabolism hates me.

*Not that I would ever run, but you get the idea.

Many of you already did this yesterday, but feel free to nominate your own favorites in the comments (overly long and superlative-filled titles preferred)!

Dear Daddy Likey: Let's Talk About Neckline Issues

Dear Daddy-Likey,

I have a problem and I know you are just the person I've never met who can solve it!!

I had a shopping miracle the other day -- I scored a totally awesome DKNY dress for moi for only $34. It was one of those things where they don't have your size but then you mope about it for a couple of days and go back and THEY HAVE YOUR SIZE and it's half off the sale price and the peasants rejoice.

Here it is:


I would estimate that this dress is about 300% adorable (ballparking) BUT I am a chesty, hourglassy girl and thus I have neckline issues. I wear a 36DDD and between the low neckline and the spatial warping effects of my bust, my usual grandma bra clearly isn't going to work here. I've been shopping for a strapless for other reasons but I kind of think there must be limits to modern bra engineering and I am a little half-hearted on this point. Plus, it is a really low neckline.

Bottom line, I think I am going to have to go with layering something under or wearing a cardigan or something, since I don't think I'm ready to just be out in public with my bra showing. This is where I need your help, because whenever I think about having to add something to this dress I get a little sad. I just don't want to ruin its cuteness! HELP ME DADDY!

Love for you and your awesome blog,
Triple DDDistress

Dear DDDistress,

I totally understand your dilemma. For a strapless bra to be effective on me, it would have to look a lot like the industrial-strength sling Michael Madsen used to transport an Orca in Free Willy, and although things don't seem to be going that well for Michael Madsen right now, he's still not a viable option to hoist my breasts around everyday.

But anyway, I love the dress (and the price! hell yeah!), and I see a couple of ways to remedy your neckline issue:

1. Buy a mega cute bra (with straps), and just OWN it. So what if a pink lacy strap dares to peek from beneath your adorable dress? It just counts as another layer of adorableness, which makes your outfit....hang on a second while I make some quick calculations...mmhmm...carry the three...ah yes, double adorable.

Now, now, I know what you're thinking: "Nice idea, buster, but mega cute bras for mega big boobs don't exist!"

While it's true that most bras larger than a C-cup resemble two cotton trash bags hastily sewn together, I urge you to not give up hope! Tomorrow I'll write about my favorite bra brands for bigger busts. Apparently, this will involve a lot of alliteration. But for now, take this photo as an advanced guarantee:

Look deep into this model's eyes and repeat after me: Cute, large cup bras do exist! Cute, large cup bras do exist!

2. If you're totally against the strap-showing idea, or it won't quite work for your job as a preschool teacher or something, take a step toward professionalism and modesty (it's a step I rarely take so I don't know much about it) and try a cute camisole instead. I can see this dress working really well with a lace-trimmed or patterned cami underneath.

Something like this:

Ruby Sky Forsyth Cami, $18, urbn.com

You could also see what a classic collared shirt looks like underneath. I can't really tell from the picture, but it's possible that a slim-fitting white button-up would look pretty damn funky/cool. Maybe layer a few necklaces over it to bring out the funkiness? But be sure to stop before you reach this point.

As for putting something over the top, I'd probably do a shrunken cardigan or a structured blazer. Don't worry about ruining the dress's cuteness--try a bright color like pink or yellow, which would look amazing with the brown, and, if I may speak like Lucky magazine for a moment, be "totally on-trend."

p.s. Have any of my big busted readers ever found success with a strapless bra? Any favorite brands out there? Any horror stories? Anyone paid Michael Madsen to drive their boobs to the ocean?

Results of a Godless Childhood, Vol. 1

Yesterday I saw a church billboard that said, "Come walk the labyrinth and find enlightenment!" and I thought, "Finally, some due respect for Bowie as the Goblin King!"


p.s. This is my 500th post. Talk about anticlimactic...