Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Hoofing It. (Literally.) UPDATED: With Five Men's Impressions!

OK, I know I said I was super busy, and I am, and I seriously shouldn't be spending time blogging, but LOOK AT THESE:


I came across them while browsing ebay (something else I shouldn't have been doing), and the starting bid is $625. For serious.

I tried to make a list of situations in which these shoes would make sense, and here's what I got:


1. If you were dressing up as a cow for Halloween.
2. If you were in a play, and your role was "cow."
3. ....

Any other ideas?

UPDATE: Thanks to the suggestion of an anonymous commenter, I summoned the Five Men for an urgent summit. Since they'd seen the post already, I wasn't able to get their true first impressions, so instead I asked them to come up with their own lists of places/situations where they thought this shoe would make sense. Here's what they said:

From my 19 year-old brother:
1. Rock climbing in mountain goat country.
2. To kick a child and/or dwarf in the eyes.
3. Chew your cud and wear these shoes to make yourself Kosher (Warning: may result in murder and consumption by believers of Leviticus)

From my boyfriend:
1. To put a cow at ease when preparing for artificial insemination.
2. To wear on a date with a centaur.
3. Perfect for removing nails from a piece of recycled plywood.
4. A good way to waste $625.

From my 21 year-old brother:
a. If you were a fugitive being chased through the snow and wanted to leave only cow prints to throw off the US marshals behind you.
b. If you ever needed to run exactly as fast as a cow.
c. Christmas/Chanukah gift for a cow.

My dad, of course, couldn't resist adding some social commentary to his list:
1. A significant threat to the "nads" from a well placed kick.
2. An aid to roofers who might find such a shoe useful for pulling nails. (actually this was my first impression)
3. They represent a particular form of excess often found in "fashion" that supposes to push limits and boundaries. Is it fashion or art or somehow both? Or is it an aspect of an Ego who's owner can only find validation in preposterous pricing to ensure a dangerous exclusivity?

And finally, from my little brother, age 13:
1. If a cow needed to wear shoes.
2. If you were born with cow feet, and needed a comfortable shoe.
3. If you want a better parking space, and your boss thinks your feet are disfigured, and you get a handicap space.
4. If you want to slowly painfully mold 5 toes into 2.
5. You need a new pair of shoes, and you order some nice ones, then you get these in the mail by mistake.

52 comments:

Rhandi said...

Another situation where buying these fugly shoes might make sense??
* You're STUPID

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the five men could offer some insight on this bafflement of a shoe? :D

Ali said...

they'd come in handy for pulling up tent pegs, if you didn't want to use your hands...

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

The moment I saw this, the first thing that popped to mind was..."camel toe".

Gawd, I'm a perv.

Panda Mime said...

Some sort of pagan ritual to get the authentic Pan effect? A lounge room re-enactment of Narnia?

Apocalypstick said...

Shoes for a Swedish Satan.

Dressed and Pressed said...

Honestly, they're not that baaa-ad.

Signed Sean the Sheep

DeeDee said...

I'd wear them to a vegan potluck.

Feen said...

Being paid by a man with a cow-foot fetish to send photos to him of your feet in these shoes.

echidna girl said...

High fashion rope climbing event - so you'll be able to get a better grip.

WendyB said...

If you were very limber, you could tuck a cigarette in there and smoke with your feet. Then your hands would be free for more important things, like driving perhaps.

Little Audrey. said...

Cow fetish?....I'm going to hell.

Ian Brown said...

I want to meet the first customer. Imagine what else they have in their closet. The same people that buy these shoes will no doubt own those "blankets" with sleeves for easy television watching in a cold room.

Vanessa said...

I absolutely cannot believe these are real.

BekkieZ said...

With skinny jeans on a really bad date.
seriously, he'll run if you tell him you have a cow fetish...


...seriously. I know.

Love,
Bekkie

Isabel said...

These would probably look really cool if incorporated into one of those wacky Japanese street style outfits. On anyone else? No....just, no.

Sal said...

Yikes. I'd have to be high on paint fumes or paid a hefty bribe to don those scary-ass shoes. They give me the fantods, I swear.

Sal said...

Also, what the hell were you browsing FOR, Winona, that these abominations came up in your eBay search?

Elin said...

these comments are classic!!

lisa said...

Maybe if you had some fervent desire to be Satan...

Staci said...

Er...they'd be good for a satyr costume. Or to scare small children.

Yet Another Heather said...

I used to have nightmares when I was a child about the Wicked Witch of the East's feet in striped socks curling up under Dorothy's house. They were terrifying- BUT- I think we've topped it with these. I bet a runway model couldn't even pull these off!

TheSundayBest said...

Considering how liberally the term "cow" is used as a pejorative for women, I think we should charge the designer with crimes against humanity.

Claire said...

If only they had cloven hooves... this would be the perfect setup for a pun about mules.

rebecca said...

hmm..because hooved feet just don't fit well in regular shoes!
i bet they have heels of these too..

Chocoholic said...

Awww, Ian, don't hate on the slanket. When your apartment is cold and it's only 10 degrees out (Farenheit), trying to type on your laptop and keep warm is important.

These shoes, however, are ugly. Unless you are an MST3K fan and want to try and hook up with Torgo.

la petite fashionista said...

these are the most ridiculous pair of shoes i've ever seen?! who makes them haha, they must be designer at $625 a pop

CB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Catherine said...

Perhaps these shoes are meant to be worn by someone who is desperately trying confront and overcome a paralyzing fear of cows.

Whit said...

You know, I generally try to avoid clothes that make me look like a cow.

Although they could be helpful for pulling out bad nails ... say if you were building a bookcase or something.

Or maybe they're the shoes that Satan keeps by the back door. For when he just needs to pop out for a minute.

Hee. My verification word is guratine. As in, "I guratine you those abominations won't be getting anywhere near my feet!"

Shannon (A beautiful Dream) said...

I second Sal - what were you looking for?

Now I am going to run screaming because I am scared of cows.

Vanessa said...

IF you were a cloven footed vixen minion of Satan himself?

Sal said...

Har. U.S. Marshalls.

cas ruffin said...

It's almost as good as ninja shoes. Reminds me of a snake's tongue actually.

sophia said...

I guess if you wanted to go as Nightcrawler (from X-men) for Halloween, these would be useful!

hope505 said...

...You need a new pair of shoes, and you order some nice ones, then you get these in the mail by mistake... *hahahaha!!!!!!*
so funny...how a child's mind will try to make sense of absurdities...LIKE THESE SHOES! *haha!* Maybe Andy Warhol would wear them. ??

Sgt. Smiles said...

i not child mam...

zakary said...

The Five Men are all geniuses.

Those are the weirdest shoes I have ever seen.

Whit said...

I love your mens.

ninaribena said...

I need to agree with the Dramatic One, they would be perfect if you wanted to work the camel-toe accent into the rest of your outfit... oooh glammahhh.

Nice work men, you captured some perfect situations in which these shoes could be essential... I'm almost convinced... Now, I wonder if they come in other colours?

daddylikeyblog said...

Hahaha these comments are great! I swear, I wasn't searching ebay for "really expensive camel-toe cow hoof shoes." I think my exact search was "chloe wedges." crazy, huh?

-h of candid cool said...

my 1st impression: in case you would like a dresser version of scuba diving fins...?? underwater gala maybe??

Lesley Denford said...

"To kick a child/dwarf in the eyes"...
HAHAAHAHA! :D

Michelle said...

MOTHER SUPERIOR! Those things are hoofy clogs from HELL! My first impression was that these are exact copies of what the spawn of Mr. Tumnus and Satan's feet look like.

Anthea said...

Those are some interesting shoes! Do you think they are comfortable??! ps I tagged you in a post :)

kels said...

bahahahaha. I love the parking space idea.

MizzJ said...

Haha ok geek moment: the first thing I thought of when I saw these was that man-goat dude from the Narnia movie! These would be great for a costume party if you went as him, well not you personally, but for a man.

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Winger said...

they are not that bad. i kind of like them. sometimes fun and cool get married and they will have a son called weird. this is the son.

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