Saint Spanx

My previous experience with shaping (read: internal organ reorganizing) undergarments was a pair of stomach-flattening underwear so tight they could have contained communism.

I was nearing the end of a particularly brutal day of shopping, during which my belly had foiled all attempts at cute jeans, when I stormed the lingerie department, angry, vulnerable, and determined to walk out with a magically shaped and smooth midsection.

I found a pair in the back that looked a lot like a 17th century whalebone corset, perhaps mistakenly transfered from the auction block at Sotheby's to the sale rack at JC Penny (happens all the time, I hear), but I wasn't in any condition to make a good decision, so I bought them. And I wore them, and I learned that you can, in fact, go a day without breathing, although it's not such a good day.

So when it came to the undergarment wunderkind that is Spanx, I took my time jumping on the trend train (that was possibly the dorkiest sentence I've ever written; I apologize).

Sure, I'd heard a few honest celebrities admit their post-baby fitness secrets were nothing more than a pair of these amazing underwear, that maybe they were actually still pregnant, and we would never know because of Spanx's incredible efficacy. I'd listened to my friends talk about their new smooth, pantyline-free lives. I'd heard murmurs that Spanx were being considered for sainthood, because they perform thousands of documented miracles a day.

It wasn't until I found a pair of Spanx Hide & Sleek panties on sale for $10 at Nordstrom Rack that I decided, what the hell, I might as well sheep it up and join the flock (OK, that sentence might have been even dorkier than the first one, but still, if "sheep it up" does not sweep the world as the new hip phrase, I'm going to be very upset).

The only thing I could think of when I put them on was "Let's get that Sainthood thing goin'!," because sweet mother of god did these things deliver. I have quite a few dresses in my closet that I never wear because I prefer that people I sit next to on the bus aren't able to give me an accurate body fat estimate, but when I tried these evil garments on with Spanx underneath, they looked great. No lines or lumps, and they flatten my stomach without forcing my kidneys into my ribcage, which is always a plus. I'm hating myself for writing this, because I'm pretty sure it's an exact quote from a Depends commercial, but they look and feel like regular underwear!

Look, no whalebones!

Overall, I'm hugely impressed and plan to buy a few more pairs in different styles. Spanx makes underwear, nylons, bras, camisoles, etc., all of which have witty names and cost from $20-$60. Buy a pair, and send this form letter to the pope:

Dear Pope,
Please consider Spanx for Sainthood.
They gave me a (circle one): flat stomach/smooth ass/rid me of pantylines/etc.
Trust me, that is really impressive.
Cordially,
(Your Name Here)

Available at Nordstrom, spanx.com, and many other stores and websites.

If You're Not Tired of Political Rants...

Check out my essay on BlueOregon.com.

Alliterative Reader Mail: Sloping Shoulders Not Stylish

Winona--

Here's a question for you. I just got a job downtown in a mid-size city. Because I'll be parking far, far away from my office (curses), I'm looking for a stylish -- yet ergonomically correct -- bag to tote my work goodies. Preferably something hands-free, because all these years of lugging around the kitchen sink in my purse have made my shoulders kinda slope-y. Everything I've seen has either been too laptop-y, too manly or just plain ugly. And my North Face backpack is really going to cramp my style when I have to sling it over my DVF wrap dress.

What do you think, oh-fashionable-one? Any suggestions?

Fashionably fondly,

Becky

Dearest Becky,
First of all, congratulations on the job! Second of all, if you decide to start a My Back and Shoulders are Screwed Up Due to a Lifetime of Extremely Cute But Ergonomically Disastrous Handbags and Maybe I Should Have Listened to My Dad After All Even Though He Recommended One of Those Rolling Backpacks FOR THE LOVE OF GOD support group, I'll be there.

So here are some options for you (and me):

As you know, it can be tough to make a backpack look grown-up and stylish. Kate Moss could probably do it, but Kate Moss could also wear a traffic cone on her head, and within a few days a slew of less expensive traffic cones would be available at Topshop and the Gap. I do think that a classic leather backpack has some fashion potential, and of course, it'll go with everything:

This one can also be converted to a one strap sling style, which may blow the ergonomic thing all to hell, but, in times when you slip back into old fashion-over-function habits, could look pretty boho cool. God I'm such an enabler.
Derek Alexander Leather Backpack, $180, ebags.com

We'll focus mainly on messenger bags, which I've found are absolutely not comfortable when filled with three hundred pounds of textbooks (each day I get closer to the rolling backpack, damnit), but would be great as a work bag/purse.

Not laptop-y, manly, or ugly. What a find!
Kyoto Messenger bag, $60, here.

LeSportsac has some rad bags with straps long enough to wear across your body. Their website is also superfun, because it shows the bag style as a white canvas, and then, when you choose the color or design, splashes it onto the bag. I spent a lot of time playing with that instead of doing my homework, which is regrettable.

I might buy this one for myself:

"Courier," $88, lesportsac.com

Here's a different style in basic black (welcome to Boringville), but there are different color and pattern options as well:

"Charlie," $80, lesportsac.com

Less than thirty bucks, but would look right at home slung over that DVF wrap dress.
Dakine "Lola," $27, ebags.com

And I thought I'd throw this one in, just in case your new job is, like, 2nd baseman for the Yankees, and you've got a little extra cheddah to spend:

I could stare at this for hours. Hours I should probably spend training myself not to say things like, "cheddah."
Gucci Brown Suede Messenger Bag, $796 (usually $1000--what a deal!), bluefly.com

Shark Attack Chic

You know how pretty much every day the Discovery Channel airs a variation of a show called something like, "Sharks: Nature's Killing Machines," and in every one of these shows, there's always a scene where, after a harrowing dramatization of his ordeal, a one-armed shark attack survivor is sitting on the beach with his surfboard propped up next to him, and he gestures to the giant chunk bitten out of it and says, soberly, "Obviously, if he'd bitten three inches to the left, I'd be a goner."?

This dress sure reminds me of that surfboard.

Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey!

One of the advertising programs I use includes a feature that allows me to be my own lil' version of Big Brother (in the Orwellian, rather than RealityShowian, sense) and see the words and phrases people have typed into google that brought them to Daddy Likey.

For example, if someone searches for "how to look like a refrigerator," and Google helpfully directs them to this post, this program will show me that someone searched for "how to look like a refrigerator," and I will laugh. (Don't panic--it's totally anonymous. It doesn't tell me your name, address, and how you voted in the last election or anything, although it probably would if I paid for an upgrade.)

I think that a lot of bloggers use this tool to adjust their content and see their readership skyrocket and blah blah blah, but I'd rather turn it into a regular feature called...

Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey!

Every so often, I'll choose some of these searched phrases and respond to them as if they were submissions to a really strange and dysfunctional advice column. Not really getting it? Just read a few, and I think you will. All searched phrases are in bold italics but otherwise left unchanged. My responses are below in the normal font. Here we go...

"it's my birthday bitches"
You seem a bit hostile. Perhaps your friends aren't meeting your emotional needs? Try to re-examine the priorities in your life, and surround yourself with positive influences. And happy birthday!

"i love my overalls."
i do too. Sing it loud and proud, sister!

abercrombie and fitch marketing techniques
I've always thought that the A&F marketing meetings went something like this:
"Alright, so what's our big idea for this quarter? We want something bold, something fresh, something that the kids will really relate to."
(pause)
"Hot, naked people?"
"Great! Who's buying lunch?"


bad grade p.e. running in the heat.
You just gave me the worst flashbacks. Damnit.

30% off anthropologie sale
LOL! Good one!

5 adjectives to describe a rubber ducky
Hmmm....I'll go with "squishy," "squeaky," "adorable," "yellow," and "buoyant." Also, why in God's name are you googling this?

any man can be a dad but not many can be a daddy
Ummm...sure. I guess I could get behind that.

how to tie a scarf on your head gangster style
I hate to break it to ya, kid, but if you're Googling this, you're kind of a crappy gangster. For a start, try to say "gangsta" instead of "gangster." It will improve your street cred. I am a white girl from a small town in Oregon. I know these things.

do men notice woman's shoes
I didn't used to think so, but according to the comments and emails I got after this post, I guess they kind of do.

catwalk diet
I've heard it's something like cigarettes, champagne, and maybe a little coke. Talk to your doctor before beginning any new diet or exercise program.

caught dad wearing tights
Well, that is definitely awkward.

picture of the midget from willow
Those can be tough to find. Here you go:


is stegosaurus capitalized
I've always wondered that too.

Hilary Duff diet secret
OMG! I totally know it! Click here! Click here!

"what do girls where under a mini skirt/dress"
First of all, I must commend you for not taking part in "flip-up Friday," which is how the upstanding young men of my generation answered this question (I still hesitate before pulling on a skirt on that traumatic day of the week). Your kindness and chivalry will get you far in life. You know what else will get you far in life? Spelling and grammar. Pay attention in language arts class, and someday you'll meet a smart, strong woman who will answer all your questions.

my disorganization is ruining my life
I. Feel. Your. Pain. I'd ask you to meet up for coffee but I can't find my planner.

Reading Daddy Likey Is Not Without Its Perks

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