Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My So-Moled Life

The first freebie I ever received as a fashion blogger was a package of fake moles (yes, as in the highly pigmented skin growths dermatologists spend their days excising). I was kind of hoping to get shoes or sunglasses or a private jet filled with Japanese snack foods, but instead I got an email from a woman representing "Hottie Dots," asking if I'd like a sample. Of course, my young blogger self circa 2007 said, "YES PLEASE," and soon a little envelope arrived at my house. Inside it was a super excited note--"Hottie Dots add instant glamour to any outfit! Tell your readers to buy them!"--and a sheet of little black circle stickers that normally retail for $6.95.

And these fake moles have been sitting on my desk for two years. I even moved--twice--and still, they sat on my desk. Sure, I played with them from time to time, sticking one on my cheek or my best friend or my cat, but I never really got serious about the Hottie Dot.

Until yesterday.

I decided it was time to add some investigative journalism to my resume. It was time to add instant glamour to any outfit. It was time to live a day in the life of a...person with a facial mole.

Here's me, pre-mole:

Awww, my life was so meaningless!

And after:

Red lipstick and blue velvet capelets are pleasant mole side effects.

The plan: I would put on a Hottie Dot and go about my daily life, recording the earth-shattering events that were sure to occur. Would a beauty mark change my life? Or more importantly, would it spice up a boring Monday of work and errands? Read on to find out...

Monday, May 19th, 2009--The First Day of the Rest of My (Moled) Life

9:30 AM: Wake up (well, sort of), start replying to emails and looking over edits for an article I'm writing.

9:40 AM: Still grumpy and incoherent. But wait! The mole!

9:45 AM: Delicately and precisely apply a Hottie Dot above my lip.

9:46 AM: Feel the same. Damnit.

10:00 AM: Boyfriend gets up. Shuffles past me and says, "Nice mole."

10:10 AM: Eat breakfast, double checking each bite to make sure that it's indeed pepper on my egg and not a rogue Hottie Dot.

10:30 AM: Apply my makeup, careful not to disturb the mole. Wonder if this is how people with authentic facial moles feel.

12:30 PM: Bring my car to the mechanic to replace a fuse. Mechanic gives me a confused, patronizing stare. But that's normal.

1:00 PM: My license expired last week, so I gather every identifying document I've amassed in this lifetime and head to the DMV to renew it. DMV is closed. Decide the mole is cursed.

1:30 PM: Get lunch at a cafe. Take a sample of chocolate cake and spill it down the front of my shirt. WTF, MOLE?!

2:15 PM: Back at home, back to work, but internet radio is playing all my least favorite songs. This mole is ruining my life.

3:30 PM: Important conference call with editors in Seattle goes great. Give mole full credit.

4:15-5:15 PM: Write.

5:16 PM: Catch a glimpse of my reflection in my laptop screen and think there's a spider on my face. Slap myself on the cheek in a panic.

5:17 PM: Feel foolish.

5:18-6:40 PM: Write more.

6:45 PM: Go for a vigorous bike ride. Mole stays intact. Impressive.

7:00: Stop in to visit my brother at work. Brother gestures to alert me that I have something on my face. I say, "I know."

7:15: Get hit on by a guy who looks exactly like a younger version of my dad. Dude. Did I accidentally put on a Back to the Future mole?

7:20: Get really worried that the guy actually was a younger version of my dad and I must repair the damage this mole has done to the course of history before it's too late!

7:30 PM: Buy some pita and hummus and forget what I was worrying about.

8:00 PM: Stop by Nordstrom Rack to return a pair of shoes. End up buying expensive sunglasses. Blame the mole.

9:00 PM: Watching tv and snuggling with boyfriend on the couch, my Hottie Dot literally pops off and hits him in the face. Awkwaaaaard.

10:00 PM: Replace Hottie Dot. Boyfriend announces he's going to bed. Apparently he is not entranced by my seductive new beauty mark.

10:15 PM - 2:00 AM: Work.

Conclusion: Hottie dots add instant glamour to any outfit! You guys should totally buy some!


echidna girl said...

Next you should do a study on mole placement - how many people you regularly see will notice if you wear it on the other side tomorrow? on your nose?

A new trend - the Wandering Mole

Claire said...

Well I think you look super glam. Very Monroe. Maybe more of an evening look?

And you got sent something!!! The best I've been offered is an ebook (see current giveaway on my blog).

Susan B said...

Heh! That crazy woman chasing you with a small scalpel is my dermatologist.

Megan said...

See, when you first mentioned you were going to wear a mole, I imagined this horrible brown mountain on your face and a day of people treating you like crap because of this unfortunate deformity.

But no! It is actually quite cute! So I then imagined getting hit on by strangers and getting free milkshakes at the diner and a discount at the mechanics. Okay, that didn't happen either, but at least it didn't look ugly.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

This "new reality show" written all over it. Call producers asap.

Breezy said...

maybe i should cover my real face-mole with a hottie dot, and then i won't have to worry about tweezing that sucker every other day!

Anonymous said...

Your experiment has convinced me that I can blame all manner of misfortunes on my facial mole. It's good to have a handy scapegoat.

Sal said...

I had always been a mole person.
I loved my mole.
It was always a part of who I am.
Until recently.
I woke up one day and it was gone.
I don't know where.
I felt so sad.
I'm not myself with out my mole.
I think perhaps I am Hottie Dots target market.
Or maybe it will make me feel like a facsimile of a sham of my former self.

FutureLint said...

A glamorous version of those "zits" from Girl Talk?!?! I have a little mole on my face that is obscured by my right eyebrow, I enjoy it because it means I've never gotten my eyebrows waxed, but I don't have to walk around with a mole on my face for all to see. You're fake mole gives you a bit of a Russian mail-order bride look I think (part of that might be the seductive look and blue velvet). I also like how you were awake for 16.5 hours and your boyfriend only made it through 12.

Amanda M. said...

i have 2 legitimate 'beauty marks' (that's what we people-with-real-moles call them) on my face, and my life isn't necessarily more glamorous. although all my friends all seem to know exactly where they are, and notice if they're missing in an illustration of me. i find this a bit creepy. also, characature artists go a little crazy with them. thanks, guys.

Dreampuff said...

Oh my GOD. I died at the part where it pops off.
Died, Winona.
Your blog should have a warning.
Just saying.

saltpig said...

Sometimes I get a zit where a nice mole should be. I've found if you pick at that zit long and hard enough, you can sometimes darken it up nicely and fool passers-by into thinking it's a glamorous mole. They are clearly jealous when they see it. You can tell by the way they stare at it, make a face (of jealousy!), then quickly look away (they can't handle the mole).

WendyB said...

Maybe the BF would have been enticed if you placed the mole somewhere more provocative.

daddylikeyblog said...

Thank you daaahhling! I actually did used to draw on the Monroe mole when I was in junior high, but everyday a cute boy in my class would say, "You've got something on your face."

I think that's a great plan!

Those damn caricature artists--they're bad eggs! My brother used to have the perfect little beauty mark above his lip, but my mom dragged him to the doctor to get it cut off and then made him a chocolate cake shaped like a mole to celebrate.

hahaha good tip!

Mishabelle said...

Hahah! Oh my goodness, I giggled so hard reading this that my friend asked what was so funny... and I replied, "moles"... and got a strange look. I have a monroe piercing, which leads to lots of people saying I have something stuck to my face... ayee. Do people with moles constantly get told they have stuff on their face? That would suck.

Lisa said...

LOL @ "Did I accidentally put on a Back to the Future mole?"

Katy said...

You are so funny!

Anonymous said...

For what it's worth, I think it looks super classy. But I think you have to have the right hair for it (which you do), and the red lips are a requirement. Tres chic.

Libby said...

You look great with the mole. Maybe if you put it on another spot you'll have a different type of luck... like ON your nose, ON your lip or cheek.. not all moles are of the Marlyn breed.

punky said...

haha, my first press gift was lip gloss with a flashlight on it.

Bethany said...

Girl, you are totally rockin the mole! I'm putting in my order now!!

Bee said...

HAHAHA i thoroughly enjoyed this post.

crisitunity said...

I have a mole in this exact place, and have for my whole life. I can tell Mishabelle that no one ever tells me I have something on my face, but I am often self-conscious about the hairs that grow wildly out of it (they are not responding to electrolysis so far). However, I think it makes my face more memorable, so I am glad to have it.

It doesn't make me look remotely as glamorous as Winona looks with her Hottie Dot.

Maddy said...

As a person with a genuine facial mole, I am HIGHLY OFFENDED.

Just kidding this was hilarious. It is SO true that moles make your life much better. I fucking rule, and it's because of the mole.

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Gem said...

This post made me literally LOL.
You are hilarious - the mole looks great on you!
I have a mole on my cheek and I can confirm that it does take a little negotiation when putting concealer on, so as not to get it on the mole and make it look greyish and odd.

this one said...

so don't judge me...

okay, i am sure that judgement will occur.

anyhow, i seriously want to try the mole look. i have a friend who has one and she looks fab.

if i tattoo it, will it turn blue??

holy moly i have too many questions.

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