Thursday, August 07, 2008

An Open Letter to This Girl:

Dear Beautiful, Stylish, Graceful, Non-Sweaty Girl on a Bike,

How do you do it?

Seriously.

I get on a bike for five minutes and my hair is a frizzy mess, I'm drenched in sweat, I'm splotchy red, I'm wheezing, I'm complaining about severe ass pain, my bag is getting caught in my spokes, one or both shoes is flying off into an intersection in front of a police officer, and all the while you're gliding by like a J. Crew catalog breeze.

I really enjoy biking, but the aesthetic aftermath is brutal: I almost got kicked out of a store today because I looked like a particularly disheveled vagrant. I'm assuming this never happens to you.


I'm so curious--do your magical powers extend to other areas of your life? Do you go home and make perfectly puffed soufflés, just because? Are you the kind of person who can wear a white jersey dress and without resembling a large container of ricotta cheese and go the whole night without spilling large amounts of coffee, ketchup, and red wine in your lap? Do you ever watch The King of Queens? It's actually really funny.

So, what's your secret? Does it involve the souls of children? Am I warm? Because I'm sweating.

Cordially,
Winona

Photo via The Sartorialist

28 comments:

jessie said...

You are too freakin' funny!

Nicola said...

Have I told you lately that I love your blog?

Anonymous said...

My watching "King of Queens" routine is exactly like my masturbation routine...I make sure nobody is around, close and lock the door, remove my pants, and lay back and engage in a shameful yet pleasurable act that nobody admits to doing.


- David

Hyena In Petticoats said...

I'm a little bit in love with you right now.

And a little disturbed by the previous comment.....

And yes, I bet she does all of those things you mentioned, but she may well be a mind numbingly boring conversationalist. So there.

Leah xxx

Sal said...

Clearly, she's been drinking the unicorn blood. Normal humans cannot bike and look so completely unrumpled.

Anairam said...

Oh, I think she gets off after 10 metres and then someone wipes her brow and re-fluffs her hair and they do a reshoot.
(Oh dear, are you implying there is something WRONG with watching King of Queens? Like drinking merlot? It was the only thing I watched regularly on telly. But I live in SA, maybe that explains it...)

lisa said...

She's so devastatingly perfect! She must have a flaw, like an ingrown toenail or something--no, wait, she's wearing open-toed shoes. Damn.

TheSundayBest said...

I, too, am worried about David. I wonder if he came down with a case of toomanywindowsitis.

This girl does it because she is not real. She is a figment of New York's imagination. Also, she lives in a city without hills.

life of an undergrad said...

I ask the same questions when ever I see someone like that. She must live in an air conditioned bubble.

fash said...

i love stumbling across blogs with a sense of humour. so many are so stick-up-arse, especially concerning clothing!

K. Inez said...

Simple: She goes slow. ;)
It's definitely the trick to riding with grace. Also, the more you ride, the less winded you'll be.

enc said...

Yes, and another thing! How does she manage to wear stripes without looking like a wide load?

enc said...

And where'd she find that hat?

nadarine said...

but you, dear Winona, are smarter than Stripey Lady Biker, because you are a helmet-wearer. RIGHT?

I don't care how cute your fedora is, Ms. Three-Speed- wear your helmet. Being doored by cars is both no fun, and a total hair-wrecker.

Bekah said...

oh my goodness winona if/when you get a response from her
TELL ME
PLEASE
I suffer from the same biking side effects you do and need help.

hollarback said...

Ooooh - bad times....I lived in NY - these girls do exist , they don't sweat even when the humidity is 98% and they also have flawless legs without any pores or "missed" spots.

Me, I just stood next to them in a sweaty, frizzy, visible stubble-y mess and made them look good.

Katie said...

i confess: i have all nine seasons of King of Queens on dvd.

susie_bubble said...

I like to think they're not REALLY riding at all in a frantic 'trying to get somewhere' sort of way.... hence the easy breeziness.... thanks for the mention by the way in your fashiontimes interview...

The Vancouverista said...

I think the key here is the hat...it keeps us from seeing the sweaty hair and face hidden underneath?
p.s. you are hilarious and i love this blogggg

ShopDownLite.com said...

Are you sure this is not photoshopped out of a french wine Ad?

This was too funny.

Rowena said...

Nah - she just got on the bike around the corner, rode for 30 seconds past the Sart. and then piled it back in the car.

Or I'm just jealous.

daddylikeyblog said...

Jessi and Nicola--
Awww thank you!

David--
I think you are my soulmate.

Sal--
Hahaha yes! To do: procure unicorn blood.

Anairam--
Absolutely not! I was advocating KoQ!

enc--
Must be black magic.

Nadarine--
Of course I wear a helmet! It's old and ugly and stained and I found it in my parents' garage but it's worth it to protect my brain in order to write bitter tirades against beautiful-yet-helmetless bikers like this! :)

hollarback--
That is such depressing news, but oh my gosh we would so be friends!

Katie--
When can I come over?

rowena--
I think you're right. Well, I hope you're right.

fashionista said...

precisely.

Chelsea said...

Ha! Exactly my own thoughts:)

Pamcasso said...

agreed, the aesthetic aftermath of any physical activity is pretty brutal for me too, like walking up the hills on campus when I was in college. Damn, I screwed myself out of meeting soo many frat assholes!

Olivia said...

you are so weird
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

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