Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Clothes Make the Man, by my little brother Bob

I'm busy with work today so I asked my 14-year-old brother Bob, who was recently the subject of an impromptu makeover conducted by yours truly, if he would write up a guest post about the experience. The short essay he submitted makes it clear that he is well on his way to becoming a better writer than me, which stirs up feelings of intense pride and blossoming insecurity, but I'll deal with that later in therapy. For now, here's Bob's post:

Imagine if you will, a 14-year-old boy in a grease-stained Portland State University t-shirt from 1998, old black jeans with red paint drips on them, and holes from where he stabbed them with a knife.

That was me at one time, although I cannot remember those days with clarity anymore. They seem so far away: days of poor hygiene, grubby clothes, low self esteem. Lately things have changed. I am happy, my teeth are white, I bathe regularly, and I am proud to say I have been completely de-wormed!

During a recent outing with Winona, we were waiting for her boyfriend and decided to wander around in a store for several hours. As usual with Winona, things started drifting into the clothing section. That day I was wearing my aptly named "badger attack pants" and a poorly fitting Carhartt shirt I borrowed from my dad. We had a make-shift intervention right then and there, and Winona convinced me to go shopping for some new clothes. I really didn’t know what style I liked, so I just stood around saying I hated everything she picked out for me, mostly T-shirts and button ups.

Eventually she persuaded me to try on a button up. I slid the shirt over my greasy dark green work shirt and decided it felt good. That was the easy part. Now I had to swallow my pride and tell her she was right and I loved it. We tried on more shirts until we had a nice stockpile built up. Winona’s eyes must have wandered to the suspicious “bloody residue” on my pant leg because before I knew it we were off to pant world. I decided I liked Levi’s so we rifled through those before Winona picked some out for me. Let me just say, she is a masterful pants picker, erm… picker-outerer, and all the pants fit. I only discarded the pair that had a button fly.

Let's move ahead to today, where I sit before you hunched over a keyboard with blood-shot eyes and delicious creative juices spraying into a cavity in my brain where something important should be. I am in a crisp white tagless T-shirt with a button up shirt on over that, with some amazing jeans that I can wear for extended periods without intense stinging pain in my waist.

One of my new outfits

I wore this out today and let me just say I felt better, know I looked better, and my heart didn’t feel quite as clogged with chunks of turkey. I was a lot happier with the way I looked, and I accomplished everything today that I would have with my old wardrobe on: I ripped apart an old couch, I played with my cats, I played with a crowbar and ran through a store with a huge pack of coat hangers looking for my lost dad (and I found him!). Thank you Nona!


Sandy said...

this is priceless! too funny!

fazed-girl said...

That was extra classy. I am glad that Bob's heart is not clogged with chunks of turkey.

Ariel said...

oh, bobs growing up! what a tender bonding experience for brother and sister :)

Kate said...

Now when's he going to write about ripping up the couch?!

Joanne said...

Awesome. Can I come and be part of your family please? We pretty much never have old couches to tear up around here.

Ms Constantine said...

Adorable! (sorry Bob, I know that's not a very manly thing to call you)

lol @ being de-wormed!

Apocalypstick said...

Bob is my future son-in-law. Dibs. I have already arranged this with his mother. All you other bitches keep your slutty little daughters away.

Kitty said...

I'm a little disturbed by the fact that the outfit you brother is wearing today is missing a key element... him! Winona, I don't want to alarm you, but I think your brother may be running around naked somewhere...

rosarita said...

Great post, Bob. Now I want to see the couch.

Kim said...

Not many things could make me so happy this early in the morning, but this did the trick.

KD said...

Every member of your family should start a blog.

Sal said...

Awesomeness. And further proof that looking good and feeling good are linked. Even for those whose main activities are couch destruction and dad location.

Becky said...

I'm concerned about your boyfriend...did he ever show up? "we were waiting for her boyfriend and decided to wander around in a store for SEVERAL HOURS"? (emphasis mine, obvi) or did he sense you were in make over mode (maker overer?) and fled for the hills? perhaps Bob can find him, with his apparently fashion-heightened internal GPS :)

Erin said...

What a sharp-dressed (and sharp-witted) man. Well done.

Rosie Unknown said...

Great post Winona's Little Brother! let me just tell you: black ripped skinny jeans, while probably uncomfortable, are mega hot! ( And I'm only a few years older than you, so I'm not being creepy.)

L said...

this is awesome!
you did the near impossible - give a sense of fashion to a teenage boy - go you!
the brothers are quite amusing, they should do guest posts more often!

Lindsey said...

this kid is 14? very impressive writing! perhaps its time for him to start his own blog?

Whit said...

Yay Bob for a fabulous post and for embracing the make over. My only question though - how well will the new duds hold up during a zombie attack?

Sgt. Smiles said...

zombie attack? i have a way different outfit planned for that..

and i do have a blog, you wouldn't like it though, its about video games, and i am a little baby, (guilt trip: success)


futurelint said...

Wow, I'm amazed by how funny your ENTIRE FAMILY is! Also, I am always going to refer to the pants section as "pants world" from now on...

Brittney said...

What a classy post! I love how the clothes really make the man (or wowman) feel better about themselves! Good job, Bob!

Just think, someday when you're all famous I'll be able to tell people I was your barista!

lisa said...

Teehee heartwarming AND hilarious! It must be touching to know you've wrought such a positive change in his life.

ArkieStyleErin said...

"my heart didn’t feel quite as clogged with chunks of turkey"

I'm incorporating that into my daily lexicon.

laila said...

omg best testimonial EVAR!!@!!11 now I'm totally yearning for a makeover. it doesn't help that I have exactly three cute, season-appropriate outfits and two ways to accessorize each one. (hey, sounds like the beginning of a grade 8 combination/permutation story problem doesn't it?)

Bex said...

Excellent post!! Bob should guest post more!!

Death Wears Diamond Jewellery said...

eep your little bro sounds adorable! can i have him?!

Eleanor said...

Would your brother like to date me?

TheSundayBest said...

First of all, why is a 14 year-old so literate? Doesn't he play video games?

Second of all...tell me he doesn't wear the shirt unbuttoned.

Nubiasnonsense said...

haha what a great post. Bob should def become a regular on the blog =)

Anonymous said...

daddy likey, i need your help you fashion guru you.
can you please do a post on stylish winter boots? i live in canada where the winters are harsh and i'm sick of ugg boots, plus they barely keep my feet warm and dry. and most winter boots i can find look like they belong on a lumberjack. PLEASE HELP. i want to look good during the winter months, seeing as they are the majority of the year where i live.

hillary said...

I think he should write a regular column! Things like this make me wish I had a little brother. Then I trip on my husbands shoe he left in the middle of the living room and swear and think well maybe not.

AMIT said...

Thats a nice thing written about ur bro choice of fashion.

Lise charmel lingerie

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Marianne said...

erm, does Bob have a girlfriend? <3

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