Wednesday, July 04, 2007

I'm a reverend, bitch!

Sorry about the Daddy Likey-less Tuesday. The cyber-gods were apparently not pleased yesterday, and kept me from my precious internet all day.

I won't be able to do a regular post today either because, well, here is my schedule:

7am: Walk a half-marathon. (Yep, another one.)

4pm: Officiate my best friend's wedding.

I probably need to explain this.

So, almost a year ago, Rachel, my best friend since second grade (we actually met in kindergarten but it took us a good two years to hit it off), called me to say that she and her longtime boyfriend Scott, a classmate of mine since third grade (umm...could this story get any cuter?) were getting married. They decided to have the wedding at her house on the 4th of July, because every year on this day, Rachel's entire family makes a pilgrimage to Oregon to blow up massive amounts of illegal fireworks, and Rachel thought it would be natural to squeeze a wedding in between the mortar explosions (if you knew Rachel and Scott, you would say what I said, which was, "Oh my god, Rachel, it's perfect!").

As the wedding came together, I asked her who was going to officiate the ceremony. Rachel and Scott are not religious and bristle at many aspects of traditional weddings. She said, "Oh, damn. Good question."

Now, a while back, my younger brother had received a large package in the mail. When I asked him what it was, he opened it, pulled out a Certificate of Ministry, and said, "I'm a reverend, bitch!" Apparently he'd found a website that ordains anyone, and, for $29.95, sends you a Deluxe Reverend Package that includes, in my brother's words: "a Certificate of Ministry that some guy obviously made at home with Microsoft Publisher, a laminated wallet-sized Reverend ID card that some guy obviously made at home, and a glossy folder with a picture of a rose on the front."

With credentials like those, I couldn't help but offer Rachel my brother's services.
"Hey, my brother could do it," I said. We both laughed, knowing that my brother hates speaking in front of people (actually hates speaking in general), and would be more than likely to drop a few F-bombs during the ceremony.

Then, one of us joked that I should perform the ceremony. We both laughed, but you know how, sometimes, over the course of a conversation, a joke becomes serious, and then all of a sudden you're researching online ordinations that aren't run by a guy in his mom's basement with Microsoft Publisher and a laminating machine? Yeah, that happened.

And within a few days, I was Reverend Winona.

I can now perform marriages, funerals, last rites, baptisms, and absolve people of their sins. I've been bragging about this endlessly, and today I will get to actually walk the walk. Down the aisle, to be exact, where I will stand up, recite a speech I wrote just for my dear friends, and pronounce them husband and wife. How fuckin' rad is that?

As for the thirteen-mile speed walk the morning of the wedding, well, that was probably a stupid idea. Hopefully I'll be able to absolve my legs of their pain.

I'll be sure to tell you how it goes, post some pictures of the blessed event, including my reverend outfit (I almost quit when Rachel wouldn't let me wear a Gandalf robe, but I made do). If Rachel and Scott don't mind and you guys are interested, I also might post the speech I wrote for the ceremony (who knows, maybe I can get some more wedding gigs and tour the country).

The bride and the reverend (with fake moles, of course)


Queen Michelle said...

So you'll need to be known as Reverend Winona of Likey instead now! Just as I was getting used to Lady.
Besides being a Queen, I am an official Lady. I own a foot square plot or Royal land somewhere in the north of Scotland, which officially makes me a Laird/Lady. I have a certificate and a map to my plot and everything.

Robin said...

You're world famous! You probably could be a touring reverend to the fashion conscious. What a twist in your career path.

Eritia said...

that's hilarious.
good luck

Henna said...

Yes! I want to see the reverend outfit!

Candid Cool said...

That is so awesome!

Jessica McWilliams said...

Wow, that's pretty amazing, being able to declare your friends husband and wife.

The Narcist said...

I'm totally becoming a reverend now! Please post your reverend outfit, its all i have to look forward to!

Ana said...

Reverend Winona, I have but one request:
please get a reality tv show on VH1 and become a CRAZY (awesome) lyricist from RUN DMC!
that request may be completely impossible to fulfill, but I think you deserve your own tv show, for sure!

Have fun at Rachel and Scott's wedding, I miss those guys.

Mrs DePoint said...

I know somebody who did this and married a couple (at their request) "by the power of Greyskull."

ashley churchill said...

oh god please post pictures!!!

Gauri said...

Oh my god. This is the best thing I've ever heard. Please, please, please post pictures.

la petite fashionista said...

hahah this is great. and in all reality a really cool thing to be able to officiate your best friend's wedding..


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