Monday, November 24, 2008

To Up-Size or Not to Up-Size: A guest post from a straight-talkin' junior high boy

Today's post is by my 13 year-old brother:

The most defining moment in anyone's life, the most important moment, is getting a kickass winter jacket. A jacket you truly love will choose the path that your life takes, and keep you warm. But choosing a coat that fits the aforementioned guidelines, and is truly awesome, is a tough decision. And it becomes an even harder task when you have to make the ultimate choice:
Will you get a winter jacket that fits over a T-shirt, or one that can go over a sweatshirt? And as much as we don't want to think about it, this can happen to all of us. In fact, I had to face this very dilemma recently.

My parents decided that my coat was getting too small, so they made the decision to get a new winter jacket for me. Now, I didn't know much about jackets or coats, or clothes in general, and in fact, I still don't, but when it came time to try on some jackets, I had to choose. I found a good one that was water resistant, and all the other stuff that my dad said would keep me from dying instantly in the rain.

So we had the coat picked out, and I tried it on over my hooded sweatshirt. It fit with room to spare, but when I took off my hoodie and tried it on over my T-shirt, I didn't know if I liked it or not. I tried a size down, and it fit well, but when I had my hoodie on, it felt kinda cramped. I had to make a decision right then and there. As usual my thoughts were focused on what I would do if zombies poured through the doors of the mall and I had to escape. After a while of deciding what to do in the event of of a zombie invasion, I tried them both on like 6 more times, then finally it dawned on me to look in the mirror.

With the T-shirt fitted one, it felt good, and looked good. The hoodie fitted one felt good, but without the hoodie I looked like I was trying to sneak a bunch of cocaine bricks past the border. I finally decided to go with the non-drug smuggler one.

So in summary

-find a jacket you like
-find a bigger jacket of the same kind
-stare off into space for 10 minutes
-try them all on a few more times
-does one make you look like a drug smuggler?
-use the other one.


Anonymous said...

This is hilarious and so helpful! :)

Claire said...

Boy's got a point - when you look like a criminal, it's time to take the other choice.

Lopi said...

Watch out! He's definitely after taking over Daddy Likey. He's got some serious clothes-writing talent and now, some fans too (me included). I tell you Winona, he's gonna get you when you least expect it. Be prepared!

GLC said...

This is the best post ever made on the internet. I'm sorry but you brother has outshone you due to to drug-smuggling line.

Anonymous said...

Wow. What a legend. Your brother needs a blog.

Kim said...

Can I hang out with you and your family for the holidays? Your brother kicks ass.

echidna girl said...

A wise choice. Less material means less for zombies to grab onto during an attack and less wind resistance for a faster getaway.

I like the summary section. I sense a talent for technical writing.

Suzy said...

I wish my little brother had read this before making his own decision on that fateful day.

Visiting Juvenile Hall has its perks, too, though.

T. Long said...

I would have gone with the larger one. In case of a pending Zombie Apocalypse you can carry more weapons underneath. Also, if you're caught, it gives you a better change to wiggle out of.

Anne-Marie said...

Its a tough decision alright - if times get hard and you are forced to go down the drug smuggling route it would also be wise to choose a non-chocha bearing dress to go underneath the baggy jacket. Coke bales can be hidden successfully in the thighs by sporting a pair of oversixed spanx.

Anonymous said...

Gosh...what a crucial decision.... my brain cells are spilling out of my ears just thinking about such a choice...

meliasaurus said...

does everyone in your family have jokes and writing talent? i'm jealous! adopt me?

Sarah Von Bargen said...

Good lord, I do believe that humourous fashion writing is actually hard wired into your DNA. Good job, lil bro!

Anna M. said...

I lol'd. (Incidentally, my roommate probably knows by now that when I laugh seemingly randomly, I'm catching up on Google Reader.) Anyway, I wish that all 13-year-olds were this funny.

WendyB said...

And what's your advice regarding zombie attacks

TheSundayBest said...

I love that 13 year olds think decisions they make now will "choose the path that your life takes."

But apart from that, yes. Most people can size down. It's just that simple, and he gets it already.

Anonymous said...

I predict in a year or so he will have a thriving blog of his own, along the lines of Fashion Choices: How not to look like a drug smuggler.

Now why can't my brother write like that?

Anonymous said...

I see that the ability to offer helpful, hilarious sartorial advice runs in your family.

Lisa said...

I, too, try not to look like a drug smuggler when coat-shopping.

Katy said...

The Daddy Likey family should have their own show.

Poochie said...


The breakdown is so handy.

And I echo KD. Your fam could be the next "Sugar" network of LOL-larious blogs.


Anonymous said...

Did anyone else see Paris' in her chocarific outfit last night? I think the first row must have got a special show.

Anonymous said...

Frickin hillarious. Your brother's definitely got the comedy gene in him too. I see a blog in his future!

Annie said...

Where is your brother's blog???
It could cover wardrobe crises in apocalyptic situations.

Pret a Porter P said...

you guys are too funny!
all fashion choices should be that simple.

Anonymous said...

I am SO fixing him up with Leah.

Brittany said...

your little brother should give mine a lesson or two. my little brother prefers the drug-smuggler look.

Staci said...

Good work, Bob! I've wasted many hours of my life on this very dilemma. Uh, the jacket, I mean, not smuggling drugs.

Anonymous said...

Your brother is awesome. Why wasn't I this cool in middle school?

Anonymous said...

I am in love with your brothers.

*~Dani~* said...

Wiser words were never spoken. And I think I need to take your brother coat shopping with me. Although I do not look like a drug smuggler, I noticed today that my coat makes me look very short. That can't be good either.

Anonymous said...

I have a blog everyone, its just that its about video games (The complete opposite of fashion) i could go over the zombie apocalypse though.

Winona must want to hide true talent because she never puts my blog in her links.

Anonymous said...

i love you bob. i can't wait to show this to donna--i think she needs a new coat.


Whit said...

I want your little bro on my team when the zombiepocalypse comes. Smart, organized, prepared and made of awesome.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking your family should adopt me as an honorary daughter. Or a cousin. Or a great aunt. Seriously. I'll draw up the papers. It'll be like that scene in Matilda, except my parents aren't going to Guam.

blair said...

Thank you for making my day.

lalaolive said...

i agree, boy needs a blog of his own. the perfect jacket is so fricken important.

Bex said...

Hahaha aw man, 13-year-old-boys are hilarious!

Anonymous said...

=] Super Cute.

Anonymous said...

I see hilarious writing runs in the family.
Love it (^_^)

The Nooky Manifesto said...

would your brother like to come shopping with me?

unfortunately, i have no-one to give me sage advice like this and as a result bought the visual definition of a drug-smuggling coat last year. and i am still suffering the consequences.

p.s. just to clear that up, i don't mean that i'm regularly stopped by the police and accused of drug-smuggling, just that i look a bit daft.

Unknown said...

He's 13?! Goodness gracious, he can write much better than a lot of college students. Great job, Winnona's bro! Please make him post again, he's really good!

Anonymous said...

awesome post. i blog about hip clothes and my 15 year old son also gets a lot of input. loved it.
PS found you on painfully hip

Jenni said...

Your brother is awesome. That was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Advice to last a lifetime.

What do they put in the water there? Trace elements of awesome?

alona said...

Damn, he writes well!

Anonymous said...

it'd be cool if you would post more often.
i'm always in need of a good laugh.

Anonymous said...

Winona, your brother is very good, so why did you give him credit? Couldn't you just have claimed it was yours?

Applesaucery said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Applesaucery said...

I greatly appreciate the significance of the drug-smuggler look in the appearance of an over-baggy coat, but as a reptilian whose body fails to produce its own heat, I unfortunately am obliged to go for the larger model so that in the Wisconsin winters I can cram three shirts, a sweater, and my fleece underneath said coat. And then I look less like a drug smuggler and more like a fat penguin (my coat's black and white). Alas.

Anonymous said...

+。°? 酒店經紀 -小可 ?+。°

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