Monday, June 22, 2009

An Imagined Conversation Between Myself And This Shopbop Model

Me: Hey! How's it going?

Model: Good, good.

Me: So, quick question.

Model: Yeah?

Me: Say you're wearing that swimsuit--which looks fab, by the way--and you've gotta pee. What do you do? What do you do?

Model: Why did you just say that twice?


Model: And why are you calling me Jack?

Me: Oh, umm, I was kinda riffing on a Speed quote. You know how Dennis Hopper is always giving Keanu Reeves pop quizzes and saying, "What do you do? What do you do?"? Then Keanu tries to be clever and Dennis Hopper is like, "FOCUS, JACK."

Model: I'm really not following.

Me: Nevermind. Back to my point--how the hell do you get that swimsuit off when you have to pee? From what I can tell, it's got all the restroom inconvenience of a traditional one-piece, combined with about a hundred little string ties. That would probably take me an hour to get into and out of, and when it's wet? Fuggetaboutit!

Model: Well, I hadn't really thought about it, I guess. But it couldn't be that hard. Could it?

Me: It surely could! And then you add in those gladiator sandals? Mother of god! Between undoing your 50 shoe straps and wriggling out of your straight jacket swimsuit, this is a seriously stressful outfit.

Model: The shoes do have zippers, you know.

Me: Alright, that helps a little, but really only a little. I'm honestly worried about your bladder.

Model: I'm honestly worried that this is the second time this month that you've mentioned Dennis Hopper on your blog.

Me: Touché


Anonymous said...


Claire said...

I've never understood those gladiators. And the swimsuit? Imagine the tanlines - and they're not even from an interesting story (e.g. my only swimsuit got attacked by a grizzly bear and I therefore had to wear it).

Katy said...

One word: LAWLZ!

Rosie Unknown said...

Sad fact is, on most people it wouldn't even look awesome to make up for the fact that you can't use the bathroom. Cause, you know, most people have body fat on their stomach, perfect for squeezing out around those little strings.

WendyB said...

The answer is -- it's crotchless! The latest trend in swimwear.

Elizabeth Baddeley said...

Sadly I know the answer (due to being a competitive swimmer for many years): slide the crotch over to the side. However. That does not in any way justify this ensemble.

Bekah said...

I was going to say exactly what elizabeth said
it is quite sad the strange things you learn from swimming

but that suit looks like she got mauled. orrr is trying to dress up as some sort of snake

Nikki said...

Hahaha... love this. It's the tanlines that would worry me most though. Her body is going to look like a piece of abstract modern art as soon as the sun comes out.

Anonymous said...

In theory, couldn't she just undo the ties and pull back the crotch area? Sort of camper-style, but it'd get the job done...maybe uncomfortable, but when you gotta go, you gotta go...

Kitty said...

Why do people think those sandals are in anyway attractive? And that swimsuit!But the look in undeniably Roman. She obviously spent her whole morning down at the local vomitarian in order to squeeze into that thing, only to have it mauled by a lion or something later that afternoon. Poor girl.

Lisa said...

Is it a halter-style swimsuit? Couldn't she slip the halter over her head and shimmy out of it for bathroom breaks? Anyway, between the bathing suit and the gladiators she is seriously trussed up.

Anonymous said...

This is too funny!

Joanna Goddard said...

haha, SO hilarious! :)

The Townhouselady said...

Oh my god you are a riot!

I just stumbled upon your blog, literally.I linked through Million others so I'm not sure how I arrived here exactly. I so glad I did though.

Anyways, I love it, I'm adding you to my blog roll right now. Do stop on by my blog for a visit. Maybe you'll dig mine too.

All the best- THL

Annie Spandex said...

Pffft! You know she pees in the pool

Queen Michelle said...

I'm dubious that a lot people in swimming scenarios don't just pee in the water. That's why I don't do swimming.
And she's got pool pee-er written all over her.

propriatress said...

if i had gotten up earlier to read this.....I'd have said: PEE in the pool. first. But I think I'll just go blog about Dennis Hopper.

Unknown said...

you simply use the bathroom before you dress, and never drink anything after simple! ;-)

LEAH said...

not only not being able to pee, but with all that strapping you'd look like a zebra at the end of your tanning session... so you wouldn't be able to go back to your string bikini...doomed!

TheSundayBest said...

All I can think looking at this is someone was presenting to the board and said, "We all know gladiator sandalds are timeless for summer. Well now I give you...the gladiator swimsuit!"

Anonymous said...

I generally don't need to take off my shoes to go to the bathroom... but that's an awful swimsuit

Death Wears Diamond Jewellery said...

dennis hopper is perhaps more confuzing than the swimsuit... i think the key is bladder control

tor (fabfrocks) said...

I hope that people tell you how wonderfully weird you are every day!! Funny and Random-Love it!

Meg said...

Points for being able to reference Speed on a fashion blog. Also, she looks like the type not to have seen Speed...which is a classic.

Jill said...

The tan lines would be awful!

Caroline said...

The only thing models ingest is air and the souls of impressionable young girls - therefore, no need for any waste elimination.

Anonymous said...

I recently found myself in a similar conundrum: a romper. A belted romper at that. Worn on a night of heavy beer drinking at an outdoor concert. Bad combo all around.

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