Monday, June 22, 2009
An Imagined Conversation Between Myself And This Shopbop Model
Me: Hey! How's it going?
Model: Good, good.
Me: So, quick question.
Me: Say you're wearing that swimsuit--which looks fab, by the way--and you've gotta pee. What do you do? What do you do?
Model: Why did you just say that twice?
Me: FOCUS, JACK.
Model: And why are you calling me Jack?
Me: Oh, umm, I was kinda riffing on a Speed quote. You know how Dennis Hopper is always giving Keanu Reeves pop quizzes and saying, "What do you do? What do you do?"? Then Keanu tries to be clever and Dennis Hopper is like, "FOCUS, JACK."
Model: I'm really not following.
Me: Nevermind. Back to my point--how the hell do you get that swimsuit off when you have to pee? From what I can tell, it's got all the restroom inconvenience of a traditional one-piece, combined with about a hundred little string ties. That would probably take me an hour to get into and out of, and when it's wet? Fuggetaboutit!
Model: Well, I hadn't really thought about it, I guess. But it couldn't be that hard. Could it?
Me: It surely could! And then you add in those gladiator sandals? Mother of god! Between undoing your 50 shoe straps and wriggling out of your straight jacket swimsuit, this is a seriously stressful outfit.
Model: The shoes do have zippers, you know.
Me: Alright, that helps a little, but really only a little. I'm honestly worried about your bladder.
Model: I'm honestly worried that this is the second time this month that you've mentioned Dennis Hopper on your blog.