Thirteen Miles of Asphalt and Muffin Top...

I can't do a real post right now because I'm walking a half marathon tomorrow at 7am. This is a problem because:

1. It's currently 1:30 am.
2. I forgot to train. Like, at all.
3. I neglected to wash my cool exercise outfit, meaning I will probably be walking in these horrible Everlast biking shorts my grandma gave me in 8th grade that didn't accommodate my belly even then. But perhaps my sartorial disaster will make me a lovable underdog of sorts as thousands of fans chant "Muffin Top! Muffin Top!" when I cross the finish line.
4. I just ate two apple fritters. Soooo not going to help that whole "Muffin Top" thing.

I'm going to try to get a Fashion Mad Libs up by later tonight, but for right now, pray for me, dear friends, pray for me.

The Inimitable Scribe, Stefani

This dress is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S:


You know, it's funny. As much as we study classic literature, effective syntax, and the beautiful nuances of the English language, as much as we laud the talents of Shakespeare and Twain and Faulkner, sometimes a couple lines from Hollaback Girl is all we need.

Banana print dress, See by Chloe, $108 on sale, netaporter.com

Speaking of Men Speaking of Fashion...

I recently received this email, and I thought it was such an interesting perspective that I had to share it with you:

Hi Winona,
I just ran into your blog and the first article I read was "I love your shoes" and I for one am a man who loves shoes. Ballet flats, kitten heels, peep toe pumps, polka dot espadrilles with open toes and ankle straps. Stiletto heeled FM pumps, sling backs, wedges, stripper shoes, pointy toed, and round toed. It's all good. I think guys are embarrassed to compliment a woman on her shoes because it shows that he is noticing the details of how a woman dresses and we aren't supposed to notice that. Some people may think I'm shy because when I walk past a woman I always look down but the reason is because I'm checking out out her shoes. Shoes tell a lot about a person and I tend to size up someone by the shoes. I try not to judge. but I can't help it. It's fun trying to figure out a stranger by her shoes. I think one of the things women take for granted is that they can have a gazillion pairs of shoes and not have to explain why.

The man's got a point, no?

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: The Comeback

Today's installment of FMFFI goes out to Connie, who was kind enough to send me an email requesting the return of the Five Men (I don't really know why they had a little hiatus--maybe cuz they all have major attitudes and kept telling me to "Go away! I'm not feeling witty right now! I need some Tums!") and alerting me to the existence of these boots:

Duccio Del Duca, $259 down from $650, bluefly.com

Umm...er...well...jesus...I think I'll just let the men take it from here. They were all quite chatty (and vitriolic) tonight. I probably shouldn't have told them about the whole "adoring fans" thing. They've turned into divas. Anyway:

The Boyfriend, who, to his credit, had been up for twenty hours straight: (Eyes widen) What the hell? Wait...What is that? Is that fur on the front? (Makes a few sad puns about lion feet) Can you just make it funny for me?

The Father: Are these real? Is this real? (Points to the fur, suspicious) The photo looks doctored here...(I assure him that the picture is indeed real) They look like somebody put them together with a glue gun and gave 'em to Goodwill. They're just ugly and dumb, with an emphasis on "dumb."

Brother, age 17: First thought? The bear shoes they make in The Edge, starring Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin.

Brother, age 11: It looks like someone pasted a bunch of rotten popcorn onto a piece of leather and put a piece of wood on it to make it a shoe...I'm not quite sure how to phrase that.

Brother, age 20: Many problems here--I don't know where they got that fur but it still has blood and dirt on it. Maybe they should clean it before putting it on some shoes. Plus it is obviously from a rat. Also, I really don't appreciate having a fall/winter item posted for June. But anyway, personally I wouldn't go for the low top and the tall heel (especially this season). I would choose a smaller heel for a sportier look and a different leather cut. Overall: Zero out of Ten for being worthless shit

Okay, then.

Thanks Connie!

When Martin's Hearing Fails Him

I was checking out the goods in a primo dumpster downtown when a construction worker yelled "Check out the snack in that tinfoil!"

I looked up, expecting a miraculous sighting of roast beef leftovers, but all I saw was a girl wearing this:


I guess he must have said something else.

XOXO,
Martin

Lame (is it telling that my computer won't do the accent mark and so "lah-may" comes out as just, "lame"?) Rouched Front Tube Bra, $14, American Apparel.

Five More Questions

The lovely Meg at Faking Good Breeding tagged me for this little survey a few days ago. The last time I filled out one of these, I wrote an introduction that included a fairly detailed analogy about STD trees. This time, I'm gonna skip the chlamydia and get right to the good stuff (and wow, if I had a nickel for every time I've used that phrase...)

1. What book is currently on your nightstand?

Well, I just bought Full Frontal Feminism as a gift for someone, but then I accidentally opened it and read half of it and now she can't have it until I'm done. God I'm a bad friend.


I also recently finished Leave The Building Quickly, which you'll probably like if you like my writing style. My mom was originally drawn to it because of the silly floating dog on the cover, but then she read a few sentences, became convinced that I had published a book under a pseudonym, and bought it in order to confront me. Sadly, this was untrue. But the book was funny.

2. Who are your personal heroes or role models?

My parents--for being stable enough to not screw me up, but weird enough to provide me with endless material.

My boyfriend--for getting through a lot of bad shit and coming out the other side a better person than I'll ever be.

David Sedaris--If only we could all write so funny and be so rich (and by "we," I mean, "I").

3. How do you relieve stress?

Being active is great--taking a walk, dancing, lifting weights, playing catch. But eating a whole bunch of ice cream and watching Elimidate is better.

4. What music do you like?

Let's see...I love oldies the most, but also rock, 80's, and embarrassing pop (I use "embarrassing" as a quantifier here because my friend Rachel would want me to, but really, I'm not embarrassed--Fergie 4 Lyfe!).


Here are my top 3 songs for summer driving:

David Bowie--Suffragette City
The Knack--My Sharona
The Kinks--You Really Got Me

5. What personal care product can't you live without?


St. Ive's Apricot Scrub. It's mega-exfoliating, so you're only supposed to use it 3 times a week, but I'm a badass so I use it everyday. And oh boy does my defiance pay off.


I would like to tag The Queens, Ambika, Joei, and Robin. Also, anyone who's bored at work (or school or home) right now. Waste a little time (who's gonna notice, really?) and fill it out yourself in the comments section!