Friday, September 07, 2007

An Open Letter to Vera Wang

Dear Vera,

How are you today? I am doing fine. I'm not sure why I'm starting this letter the same way I did when I wrote to my imaginary pen pal in fourth grade, but that is not the point. The point is that I checked out your new Simply Vera collection for Kohl's today, and we need to have some words.

I was sooooo stoked to see this collection in the flesh. I'd been anticipating its arrival since, like, I was born, and your 800 page ad/editorial/entire-magazine-devoted-to-you in O magazine got me even more hot and bothered. I mean, look how cute this is:

I love the color palette and the different shapes and colors and textures. I also love that you completely and totally and unabashedly love leggings (amen, sister!). So when this post kindly informed me that we country folk would be able to rope up our oxen and head on out to the nearest Kohl's to find your collection stocked early, well, I roped up my oxen (read: got in my '97 Honda Accord) and got my ass to the store.

And, to borrow a phrase from pretentious academics everywhere, herein lies the problem.

I think I really would have liked these clothes if I were legally blind. And I mean that in the best way. They were fabulous and colorful and unique from far away, but, as I cantered toward them, giggling with unbridled glee, a different picture came into focus, a picture that looked a lot like cheap shit. I saw shoddy seams, beads falling off, and more polyester than a 1970's fondue party.

In other words, Vera, these clothes are total Monets.

I tried on a polyester tunic that made me resemble one of my high school English teachers who resembled a giant grape, and, after gaping at my new, expanded physique in the mirror, I looked at the price tag, just for kicks. $50?? Vera, Vera, Vera. I would normally be very understanding of a price like this, because there's no denying that these are beautiful clothes, but dude (I bet nobody's ever called you dude before, huh? The internet makes me brave...), these are beautiful clothes that are falling apart.

I gotta be straight wichu, girl--I don't live in New York and I can't afford a $10,000 wedding dress, hell, I can't even afford one of your $300 party dresses on Bluefly, but I can still appreciate the difference between good cheap shit and bad cheap shit. You can't pull the polyester over my eyes on this one.

I'm sorry it has to be this way. If you want to send me this dress, things might be different.

Love,
Winona

picture from O magazine via Jezebel.

18 comments:

Honeybee said...

I haven't written a comment in a long time but I still read your blog and I'm still lovin' it.

Anonymous said...

TOTALLY! I was very excited for the collection and then trying stuff on was a horror. The brocade skirt in person is so amazingly huge and fabricy and awful, when it should really come down below the knees.

Stupid O made it look awesome!

Carissa said...

Fashion sacrilege! I confess that I severely dislike her wedding gowns. All made of English netting, the bridal equivalent of polyester, and all "edgy." Bleh. I say, Vera, go back to designing for Serta.

Kori said...

No! I was all excited for this line! I blame Kohl's.

I have to ask...what did you think of the shoes? Were they as crappy as the clothing, or are they worth checking out?

Nerd Girl said...

Right on point with your Monet comment! I was so excited about the colors - wearable purple, yesss! But good googleymoogley, that stuff looks like garbage upon closer inspection. What a waste.

You're brave for even venturing into the dressing room to try pieces on.

cate said...

hahahahaha i just peed my pants a little. nice post, nona, thanks for saving me the trip!

Elisabeth said...

it's funny, too, the purple shirt in person is like bad 80s prince/pirate wear, yeah?

Betty said...

I love the Clueless ref! Haven't seen the collection, but Racked totally agrees with you:

http://racked.com/archives/2007/09/05/simply_vera_is_simply_awful.php

Looks sketchy.

Becky said...

Seriously. You make me laugh out loud EVERY SINGLE DAY. Thanks for the fantastic blog. :)

Iheartfashion said...

Oooooh, I'm so disappointed (but not surprised). I was planning to finally set foot in Kohl's to check this collection out because the ads looked, well, pretty good, but you've saved me the horror.

WendyB said...

Your review is hilarious. "Legally blind"!!

bigglassesgirl said...

Completely understandable grief on your part.

My only encounter with the items has been a cryptic missing-now you can see-now you can't search on the kohl's website.

Stephanie said...

Dear lord. Ms. O'neil. A giant grape.

How true is that?

And, to the actual topic at hand, what I've read so far is absolutely, slap on the knee, hilarious.

Kudos.

Emma said...

me loves the open letters.

Emma said...

and vera needs to get her act together.
sack up, wang. that sounded PAINFULLY dirty.
I'm such a ten-year-old boy. Wang.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Chic and Charming said...

I went today to check out the line before seeing your blog post and spent the rest of the afternoon composing an open letter to vera in my head. But here it is! You've written down all of my thoughts. I snuck in my digital camera and will be posting my own review with the REAL pictures tomorrow.

daisybabie said...

"I gotta be straight wichu, girl--" you have me in stitches! Too funny!

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