Friday, September 28, 2007

Saint Spanx

My previous experience with shaping (read: internal organ reorganizing) undergarments was a pair of stomach-flattening underwear so tight they could have contained communism.

I was nearing the end of a particularly brutal day of shopping, during which my belly had foiled all attempts at cute jeans, when I stormed the lingerie department, angry, vulnerable, and determined to walk out with a magically shaped and smooth midsection.

I found a pair in the back that looked a lot like a 17th century whalebone corset, perhaps mistakenly transfered from the auction block at Sotheby's to the sale rack at JC Penny (happens all the time, I hear), but I wasn't in any condition to make a good decision, so I bought them. And I wore them, and I learned that you can, in fact, go a day without breathing, although it's not such a good day.

So when it came to the undergarment wunderkind that is Spanx, I took my time jumping on the trend train (that was possibly the dorkiest sentence I've ever written; I apologize).

Sure, I'd heard a few honest celebrities admit their post-baby fitness secrets were nothing more than a pair of these amazing underwear, that maybe they were actually still pregnant, and we would never know because of Spanx's incredible efficacy. I'd listened to my friends talk about their new smooth, pantyline-free lives. I'd heard murmurs that Spanx were being considered for sainthood, because they perform thousands of documented miracles a day.

It wasn't until I found a pair of Spanx Hide & Sleek panties on sale for $10 at Nordstrom Rack that I decided, what the hell, I might as well sheep it up and join the flock (OK, that sentence might have been even dorkier than the first one, but still, if "sheep it up" does not sweep the world as the new hip phrase, I'm going to be very upset).

The only thing I could think of when I put them on was "Let's get that Sainthood thing goin'!," because sweet mother of god did these things deliver. I have quite a few dresses in my closet that I never wear because I prefer that people I sit next to on the bus aren't able to give me an accurate body fat estimate, but when I tried these evil garments on with Spanx underneath, they looked great. No lines or lumps, and they flatten my stomach without forcing my kidneys into my ribcage, which is always a plus. I'm hating myself for writing this, because I'm pretty sure it's an exact quote from a Depends commercial, but they look and feel like regular underwear!

Look, no whalebones!

Overall, I'm hugely impressed and plan to buy a few more pairs in different styles. Spanx makes underwear, nylons, bras, camisoles, etc., all of which have witty names and cost from $20-$60. Buy a pair, and send this form letter to the pope:

Dear Pope,
Please consider Spanx for Sainthood.
They gave me a (circle one): flat stomach/smooth ass/rid me of pantylines/etc.
Trust me, that is really impressive.
Cordially,
(Your Name Here)

Available at Nordstrom, spanx.com, and many other stores and websites.

16 comments:

eerie said...

:D yet another testament as to why i LOVE your blog
keep on bloggin'!!

dressedandpressed said...

Hey Winona,
Welcome to the spanx fold! Oh, and "sheep it up"? A phrase definitely set for worldwide usage.

Claire said...

Spanx have changed my life too. I wear them every time I wear a skirt or a dress and I love being smooth, shaped, and comfortable. Sainthood is most definitely in order.

Deja Pseu said...

Yep, I'm a convert to the Order of Spanx as well.

Anonymous said...

i LOVE spanx. and they help me love my cotton jersey dresses with just as much ardor. they also save my butt (and thighs) in the summertime when i just cant deal with my thighs touching each other.

Carolyn S said...

I got some of their control top pantyhose. I dunno if that is the best product though - they hold my stomach in, but then I feel like my ab muscles just kind of press against the wall of nylon created by the hose. I feel like old-fashioned sucking in makes me skinnier? And they also squish my butt in at the same time, which makes me look like a squat little tub, no curves. Maybe I just need control *front* pantyhose.

Loraine said...

I say Spanx forgoes any mention of sainthood until they make the product available in South Africa. Until they have helped slim down all of us Afrikaners, they can continue dreaming dreams of canonization.

Marianne said...

Ooh, you should check out the "Assets" line at Target--they are made by Spanx and about half the price. I just picked up some fantastic grey opaque tights for the fall, in fact

Meg said...

You know what the opposite of Saint Spanx is? Saint Cupcake!
Behold:
http://www.saintcupcake.com/

Candid Cool said...

I really like the whole story of how Spanx came to be.
Anywho, I love the "sheep it up" I might steal it.
-h

Cate said...

okay question. do you bulge over the top? or, if that's too personal, does one bulge over the top? that's been my biggest problem with shaping underwear...they fix where they say they will, by forcibly relocating all fat to an area above/below the original location.

MaryLM said...

If one wears the Higher Power Panties which are very hi-waisted, the control continues all the way up to one's bra and therefore one's fat has no place to go. I (one) wear these with nicer and hi-waisted dresses and although they can make you feel a little corseted, they work beautifully. If you make sure to get Power Panties in the right size, I don't find I have a muffin top with them either.

daddylikeyblog said...

Eerie--
Aww, thanks babe! Keep on readin'!

Dressedandpressed--
Thanks for commenting and spreading the "sheep it up" gospel!

Claire and Deja Pseu--
Aren't they the best?? Yep, we gotta find a way to fast-track the sainthood thing.

Anonymous--
Jersey dresses are the work of the devil! I have a whole bunch that I never wore in my pre-Spanx days. But now, like you, I wear them all the time. Hail Spanx!

Carolyn--
Good to know about their pantyhose. I really recommend the Hide and Sleek panties--they leave me smooth but shapely. Also, please invent control front pantyhose.

Loraine--
That is an outrage! Maybe the pope could help with that too?

Marianne--
Oooh, thanks for the tip! I've got to get my (smooth) ass to target and check those out!

Meg--
hahahaha you are so right. One wouldn't exist without the other! Actually, that might not make sense, but I'm too lazy to think about it. Let's go get cupcakes soon!

Candid Cool--
Definitely steal "Sheep it up." Tell the world!

Cate--
This is the exact reason I was so hesitant to try Spanx, because my previous shaping underwear somehow pushed my stomach fat up to my neck...umm...I mean, one's stomach fat up to one's neck...But like Marylm said, Spanx are different. My Hide and Sleek are about the size of regular underwear, but they create a smooth line all along my torso. I don't know where my fat goes, and I don't really want to know, but these babies work!

Marylm--
Good to know! I've got to try to the Power Panties too. Muffin top is so five years ago.

Marylm said...

You'll like the Power Panties. I guarantee it. I find them comfortable enough to wear all day long. The Higher Power and the more controlling Hide and Sleek are great dress-up wear and I do wear them to work, and often for many hours, but I tend to be glad when it is time to take them off. The Power Panties, though, you forget you even have them on.

Katherine said...

While I agree Spanx are amazingly fantastically awesome, have you encountered the Spanx/tights slide phenomenon? Or maybe it's just me? I've discussed it here...
http://whoinventedroses.com/2008/10/31/maybe-i-should-consider-wearing-more-pants/

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