Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey!

One of the advertising programs I use includes a feature that allows me to be my own lil' version of Big Brother (in the Orwellian, rather than RealityShowian, sense) and see the words and phrases people have typed into google that brought them to Daddy Likey.

For example, if someone searches for "how to look like a refrigerator," and Google helpfully directs them to this post, this program will show me that someone searched for "how to look like a refrigerator," and I will laugh. (Don't panic--it's totally anonymous. It doesn't tell me your name, address, and how you voted in the last election or anything, although it probably would if I paid for an upgrade.)

I think that a lot of bloggers use this tool to adjust their content and see their readership skyrocket and blah blah blah, but I'd rather turn it into a regular feature called...

Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey!

Every so often, I'll choose some of these searched phrases and respond to them as if they were submissions to a really strange and dysfunctional advice column. Not really getting it? Just read a few, and I think you will. All searched phrases are in bold italics but otherwise left unchanged. My responses are below in the normal font. Here we go...

"it's my birthday bitches"
You seem a bit hostile. Perhaps your friends aren't meeting your emotional needs? Try to re-examine the priorities in your life, and surround yourself with positive influences. And happy birthday!

"i love my overalls."
i do too. Sing it loud and proud, sister!

abercrombie and fitch marketing techniques
I've always thought that the A&F marketing meetings went something like this:
"Alright, so what's our big idea for this quarter? We want something bold, something fresh, something that the kids will really relate to."
(pause)
"Hot, naked people?"
"Great! Who's buying lunch?"


bad grade p.e. running in the heat.
You just gave me the worst flashbacks. Damnit.

30% off anthropologie sale
LOL! Good one!

5 adjectives to describe a rubber ducky
Hmmm....I'll go with "squishy," "squeaky," "adorable," "yellow," and "buoyant." Also, why in God's name are you googling this?

any man can be a dad but not many can be a daddy
Ummm...sure. I guess I could get behind that.

how to tie a scarf on your head gangster style
I hate to break it to ya, kid, but if you're Googling this, you're kind of a crappy gangster. For a start, try to say "gangsta" instead of "gangster." It will improve your street cred. I am a white girl from a small town in Oregon. I know these things.

do men notice woman's shoes
I didn't used to think so, but according to the comments and emails I got after this post, I guess they kind of do.

catwalk diet
I've heard it's something like cigarettes, champagne, and maybe a little coke. Talk to your doctor before beginning any new diet or exercise program.

caught dad wearing tights
Well, that is definitely awkward.

picture of the midget from willow
Those can be tough to find. Here you go:


is stegosaurus capitalized
I've always wondered that too.

Hilary Duff diet secret
OMG! I totally know it! Click here! Click here!

"what do girls where under a mini skirt/dress"
First of all, I must commend you for not taking part in "flip-up Friday," which is how the upstanding young men of my generation answered this question (I still hesitate before pulling on a skirt on that traumatic day of the week). Your kindness and chivalry will get you far in life. You know what else will get you far in life? Spelling and grammar. Pay attention in language arts class, and someday you'll meet a smart, strong woman who will answer all your questions.

my disorganization is ruining my life
I. Feel. Your. Pain. I'd ask you to meet up for coffee but I can't find my planner.