Monday, December 31, 2007

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions (With Apologies to Guinea Pigs and Rats and the Readers Who Love Them)

What better way to ring in the last day of the year (a day not often rung in, but let's go with it) than with the triumphant return of the Five Men?

And what better way to ring in the triumphant return of the Five Men (once you start ringing things in, it can be tough to stop) than with this terrifying, $300 lamb-fur satchel, first discussed by Ambika in this spot-on analysis?

Gah! This thing gets scarier every damn time. Let's hand it off to the always articulate men, shall we?

Brother, Age 12: OK...Inside-out cat?

Boyfriend: Whoooaaa.
(Two minute pause)
Me: Take a little longer.
Boyfriend: Hey! Maybe I just won't do this. Then it'll be Four Men's Fashion First Impressions.
Me: That's just as catchy. I engineered it that way so I could break up with you.
Boyfriend: Damn.

Father: (Scoffs) It looks like a purse made of a giant regurgitated owl pellet. Or if I was happily dreaming, it would be made out of 15 or 20 guinea pigs. [Editor's note: My dad has guinea pig issues. Maybe I'll explain later.]

Brother, Age 20: Oh shit...hmmm...(sighs)...umm...
Me: Well, what do you think of it?
Brother, Age 20: Guinea pig? (Turns to leave the room)
Me: Hey where are you going?
Brother, Age 20: What?? It's just really ugly.

Brother, Age 20, returns twenty minutes later, mumbles sheepishly: You know what I just realized? That bag reminds me of Cheesehead*.

Brother, Age 18: Umm...first impression? Shag carpet at a brothel in the 70's, converted into a bag.

*Cheesehead here of course refers to my brother's beloved childhood pet rat. We awoke one morning many years ago to find Cheesehead's cage was empty, and a confrontation with my parents revealed that Cheesehead had died in the night and been buried. My brother and I mourned and we believed the Cheesehead saga was behind us, but a few years ago my mom let it slip that there was much more to the Cheesehead story than she'd previously let on: Somehow, this obese rat had crept out of his cage and made his way into my parents' bed, and my father, settling in for the night...sat on him. In short, my dad popped Cheesehead.

I would like to note here that we have questioned both parents extensively, and have found no evidence of foul play. Also, to my knowledge, this has nothing to do with my dad's disdain for guinea pigs.

God this post got weird.


Anonymous said...


Crimzen Creative said...

Gotta love those men! Happy New Year!

s.i. michaels said...

Ok, I thought I was creative with my toupee thing but regurgitated owl pellet is 10 times better. Props to your dad.

Kristin said...

Haha. Yes, props to her dad.

I love your blog! Would you be interested in exchaning links?

jillian said...

Good times with the Five Men. I must admit, the boyfriend response is my favorite, though it has nothing to do with the monstrosity itself.

Poochie said...

The FMFFI is my favorite! I wish I had five funny men to quiz with absurd fashion items. I would, no doubt, be doing so on a daily basis. Especially if they were as funny as your five.

Perhaps I should start subjecting my co-workerd to get their responses.

Happy New Year!


NWRMK said...

Wishing you an incredible 2008

Maddy said...

I had to take a little break for laughter after reading the phrase "inside-out cat".

WendyB said...

Is your dad Tony Soprano? He whacked a rat!

Kristin said...

hahaha! i agree with all. that is horrible.

your blog is awesome. would you be interested in exchanging links?

happy new year

Pret a Porter P said...

loving the articulate 18 yr old

Anonymous said...

Oh ewwwwwww *barf* at that imagery courtesy of Brother, Age 18. For some reason I'm totally okay with the dead/mutilated animal descriptions however.

Anonymous said...

funny and nice blog you have!

i love mike n chris jackets, too! (love that post, btw!)

christine said...

cheesehead...what a great name.

also, that poor lamb :(

WOLF Q said...

ohmygosh, these fmffi posts are too amazing. i'm high off my ass & just reading every single one make weird cackling laughs after every opinion.

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