Monday, October 22, 2007

Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey: Round Two!

That's right, it's time for another installment of Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey! If you have been a good little reader you know how this goes. If you're new, or don't pay very close attention, or got hit in the head with a frying pan since you last read the blog and have yet to get hit in the head with another one, thus regaining your memory, then you can click here for the grand intro and explanation.

Here's the quick version: Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey is when I take a sampling of the Google searches that brought people to my blog, and recast them, verbatim, as submissions to an extremely dysfunctional and unhelpful advice column. Read on, and maybe you'll get it (reader searches in bold italics; my responses below):

Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey

"forgot to put on pants"
Haven't we all?

can a woman over the age of 40 wear booties with tights?
Hell yes! Rock those tights and booties, girlfriend! (As long as they're not these booties.)

i work for lush
Lil' discount, please? Unless you mean you work for a drunk, in which case, I'm sorry, that's gotta be rough.

"sitting down in a mini skirt"
Ah yes, a difficult task indeed. I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that everyone in Oregon (and parts of Washington) has seen or is going to see my lady bits as I clumsily take my seat. Let's reframe this issue and talk about buying cute underwear. Like these.

clinton kelly gay?

I didn't want to believe it, either.

things in a woman's purse
Here's mine. But I don't think that's really normal.

gave myself a stupid haircut
Listen, once I paid a lady at a place that was actually called The Hack 'n Wack to cut my hair, and I walked out with a rat tail. I would have much rather given myself a bad haircut, because at least then I could have saved my $15 for cheer-up ice cream. Buy yourself some Ben and Jerry's. Everything will be fine.

vera wang collection at kohls sucks
I completely and totally agree.

what happened to girlshop.com?
My mom told me that Girlshop went to live on a big farm where it would be happy. Why? Did you hear something different??

a picture of a perfect life
How about this:

(I so wish this were real, but my brother made it for me.)

"torture chamber" "high heel"
Your diction and shameless exaggeration remind me of someone...hmm...who could it be?...oh yeah! Me! Want to be friends?

how to tie your shoes gangster style?
OK. Dude. You know what? It seems like approximately half of all Google searches are some form of gangster how-to, and that ain't right. Here's a good rule of thumb: If you gots to Google it, you ain't gangster. Just be yourself, homie.

what shoes do mice wear
Well...that is a good question, indeed. My friend Meg works in a mice lab; she'll know. Meg, wanna take that one?

ways to fool cashiers
I'd try the old "Look! Over there!" line, and then laugh at them when they look, because there was nothing over there! Silly cashiers!

a haiku about chlamydia
Well, I guess I could throw something together. Let's see...

Chlamydia: it
can cause burning and discharge
or show no symptoms.


...Aaaaannnd I think that's a good place to end it*.

*By "it" I mean my writing career.

16 comments:

Tess said...

You are so hilarious! I'm a new reader, and you wit keeps me coming back! Hurray!

Candid Cool said...

love the gangsta google

Cate said...

hahahaha. this was a bright spot in what was otherwise an unbelievably bleak, hungover morning. yes it's monday and yes i said hungover. don't judge me.

LallaLydia said...

Hillarious with a cup of joe: always a good way to start a Monday. Thanks Winona!

WendyB said...

OH!MY!GOD!!! So funny!!!!!

Narnia said...

Your haiku is genius. I'm going to link you on my totally nonfashion related blog!

Christine said...

omg who are these crazy googling people?? i can't stop laughing!

laila said...

that Nordstrom pic is just cruel, Winona. For .2 seconds I thought there was a God.

Meg said...

So glad you asked!
Mice wear small, soft booties that they handcraft out of their nestle material. Sometimes they incorporate patterns into them using small bits of their own fur, making for a fashionable and practical set of mouse booties. You may find it surprising that the males are the primary knitters; females think this is cute and choose their mate based on the complexity and attractiveness of the males' patterns. I will ask if they can donate a pair to you, Winona. I know a particularly crafty mouse who specializes in human-size wear.

dressedandpressed said...

Chlamydia-ha-ha! Oh, and mouse shoes??? What the? Mouse? Shoes? Also, my word verification characters today were fhhtuh. I think this is word worthy of entry into the dictionary but what would it mean?

LaBelle said...

ok i love clinton and all but I saw one episode where he was acting COMPLETELY STRAIGHT, like, hitting on the girl and everything and i had to stop and wonder if it was all an act or something. But then he opened his mouth again and something about high heels came out and I was comforted.

Allie said...

I love it! Made my morning!

WendyB said...

I came back at this to laugh again, and now Meg's comment...I nearly fell off the chair! I suppose no one comes to this blog looking for "fish feet"? Hmmm. Guess that's just me.

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