Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey: Round Two!

That's right, it's time for another installment of Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey! If you have been a good little reader you know how this goes. If you're new, or don't pay very close attention, or got hit in the head with a frying pan since you last read the blog and have yet to get hit in the head with another one, thus regaining your memory, then you can click here for the grand intro and explanation.

Here's the quick version: Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey is when I take a sampling of the Google searches that brought people to my blog, and recast them, verbatim, as submissions to an extremely dysfunctional and unhelpful advice column. Read on, and maybe you'll get it (reader searches in bold italics; my responses below):

Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey

"forgot to put on pants"
Haven't we all?

can a woman over the age of 40 wear booties with tights?
Hell yes! Rock those tights and booties, girlfriend! (As long as they're not these booties.)

i work for lush
Lil' discount, please? Unless you mean you work for a drunk, in which case, I'm sorry, that's gotta be rough.

"sitting down in a mini skirt"
Ah yes, a difficult task indeed. I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that everyone in Oregon (and parts of Washington) has seen or is going to see my lady bits as I clumsily take my seat. Let's reframe this issue and talk about buying cute underwear. Like these.

clinton kelly gay?

I didn't want to believe it, either.

things in a woman's purse
Here's mine. But I don't think that's really normal.

gave myself a stupid haircut
Listen, once I paid a lady at a place that was actually called The Hack 'n Wack to cut my hair, and I walked out with a rat tail. I would have much rather given myself a bad haircut, because at least then I could have saved my $15 for cheer-up ice cream. Buy yourself some Ben and Jerry's. Everything will be fine.

vera wang collection at kohls sucks
I completely and totally agree.

what happened to girlshop.com?
My mom told me that Girlshop went to live on a big farm where it would be happy. Why? Did you hear something different??

a picture of a perfect life
How about this:

(I so wish this were real, but my brother made it for me.)

"torture chamber" "high heel"
Your diction and shameless exaggeration remind me of someone...hmm...who could it be?...oh yeah! Me! Want to be friends?

how to tie your shoes gangster style?
OK. Dude. You know what? It seems like approximately half of all Google searches are some form of gangster how-to, and that ain't right. Here's a good rule of thumb: If you gots to Google it, you ain't gangster. Just be yourself, homie.

what shoes do mice wear
Well...that is a good question, indeed. My friend Meg works in a mice lab; she'll know. Meg, wanna take that one?

ways to fool cashiers
I'd try the old "Look! Over there!" line, and then laugh at them when they look, because there was nothing over there! Silly cashiers!

a haiku about chlamydia
Well, I guess I could throw something together. Let's see...

Chlamydia: it
can cause burning and discharge
or show no symptoms.

...Aaaaannnd I think that's a good place to end it*.

*By "it" I mean my writing career.