I'm back! I'm here! I'm alive!

But instead of writing a post, I'm frantically catching up on the schoolwork I ignored during my fantastically fun yet poorly timed LA weekend. Trust me, I would SO much rather be telling you about my travel adventures (We missed the plane home while waiting in line for it!) and writing haikus about silly shoes and pretending to talk to models, but I sort of need to get my degree. I know, I know. My priorities are in the wrong place and I need to turn my life around. I know.

Daily posting should resume tonight or tomorrow. Earlier if I decide to drop out of college.

California Here We Come

Hello Frens,

I'm in LA for the weekend with my BFFs, who, after a long debate, helped me decide that the best greeting for this post was "Hello Frens." Yes, they are that cool.

Anyway, I probably won't be back in the blogging game until Monday or Tuesday, but I swear the wait will be worth it because I have the best story to tell you about a priest on a plane, a faux Pure Romance party, and my second trip ever in my life to H&M (only two of those stories are related--I'll let you guess which ones).

I have to get to bed now because tomorrow our goal is to find Pierce Brosnan eating a hamburger.

Goodnight, and good luck.
Winona

It's like 10,000 totes when all you need is a satchel.

Dear Winona,

I'm looking for a purse, you see. And I have a very good idea of what I want it to look like. Behold the magnificence:

Dooney & Bourke Medium Logo Satchel, $395, Macy's.

I love the shape of it, the color, the two rounded handles, the little buckles on the sides, the hook clasp. Everything but the price, in fact, which as a college student is drastically impossible. Also, the dimensions given are huuuuuge, but the bag looks normal-sized. Although they don't have a picture of it with someone, so my sense of scale and perspective is probably off.

So I was wondering if you had any advice on finding a bag with that sort of shape and design for maybe 50 dollars, rather than 400.

Anything you can tell me would be great--I know this purse search is likely to be long and strenuous.

Signed,

Bag(less) Lady

P.S. When the hell did Macy's get so expensive? Last time I checked they were not that high-end. How disappointing!

Dear Bag(less),

First of all, I totally feel you on that last point. I think I have uttered the phrase "When the hell did Macy's get so expensive??" approximately six-hundred times, most often when I lift one of their garments off the shelf and the fabric disintegrates in my fingers until I'm left clutching a few sad threads of polyester and a pricetag for $119.

But anyway, let's get to it! I searched high and low for you, darling, and, ironically, the best option I found was at...Macy's!

GUESS Portofino Satchel, on sale for $71, macys.com

OK, before I rave about this purse, I have to tell you a little story about irony because I just remembered it and I want to tell someone but my boyfriend's asleep: Sophomore year of high school, our English teacher was trying to teach the class the definition of irony. My brilliant peers were totally not getting it (I believe someone actually said, "Does it have anything to do with iron?"), and the teacher was getting exasperated. People started talking about other stuff and passing notes and just as the teacher was about to issue a class-wide detention, we heard a quiet but confident voice emanating from the front row: "It's like rain on your wedding day."

Everyone stopped talking and turned to stare at this unlikely prophet. It was Danny, a slouchy skater who rarely spoke about anything except the time he shaved his balls. He was staring at the floor.

Our teacher bounded over to his desk. "Yes, Danny?" She coaxed him, "Go on."

He paused, squinting in deep thought. "It's a free ride...When you've already paid. It's the good advice...that you just can't take."

A few people in the class (including myself and my friend Rachel) started laughing, but our teacher's eyes lit up in ignorant bliss. "Exactly, Danny!" She cried, "You've got it!"

Danny's eyes were still fixed on the linoleum. "It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife," he said, and then he looked up at the teacher. "Isn't it ironic?"

"Yes, Danny," our teacher said, slightly confused now, "It is."

Anyway, cute bag, right?

Here are a few other similar bags that you may like (cuz I sure do):

SR Squared by Sondra Roberts Canvas Ring Satchel, $95, endless.com

Nine West Reio Satchel, $65, endless.com

Tommy Hilfiger Vermont Dome Satchel, $79, endless.com

a.n.a. leather pickstitch hobo (also in black), $59, jcp.com

Best of luck in your quest, dear Bag(less). Here's hoping you won't find 10,000 totes when all you need is a satchel.

The Best Job Interview Fashion Tip Ever, Pioneered by My Aunt Margaret:

"I found a blouse the color and fabric I wanted for my interview, but it had ruffles and a lowish V-neck and would not have looked good under the suit jacket, so I wore it backwards. I was really hoping they’d ask me the last time I 'thought outside the box'-- I could have taken my jacket off to show them."

Update: She got the job!

Construction Does Not Make My Day

My apartment building is under construction. Something about dry rot structural integrity class-action lawsuit blah blah blah...all I know is that they start banging on my walls at 7 in the morning, and since I tend to go to bed at around 4 in the morning (yes, I could leave you to assume it's because I'm out clubbing with my crew, but I'll fess up: More often than not I'm on the couch eating bite-sized peppermint patties and watching How It's Made), this is not a good time in my life.

If this construction were featured in a movie, I'd totally call it out for being unrealistic. It's comically bad. Like, the other day my brother and I were hanging out in my living room, and all of a sudden a hammer came through the wall. Sunlight poured through the hole and someone outside whimpered, "Ohhhhh....oops." A couple weeks ago one of the workers fell two stories to the pavement, and everyone ran outside expecting to see a mangled body, but instead the guy pops up off the ground, dusts himself off, and does a little jig to thunderous applause. It was like the Make 'Em Laugh sequence from Singin' in the Rain.

I think I would really enjoy these stories if they were happening to someone else, but there's a hole in my wall and constant bags under my eyes that are totally killing my buzz.

Now for a semi-awkward segue. A number of fabulous bloggers have bestowed a "You Make My Day" award upon Daddy Likey--thank you so much, daaahhlings! I thought it's as good a time as any to pass this honor along to a few of the blogs that manage to perk me up even when I'm trying to dodge hammers on three hours' sleep.

(Into) the Fray--Ambika is funny and stylish and genuine and she's from the Pacific Northwest, which ups her cool factor by, like, a thousand. Portland+Seattle=BFFL!

Fashion Binge--Awesome aesthetic, even better one-liners.

Kingdom of Style--Whenever I get stressed out about my life, I shriek, "Screw this! I'm going to Scotland to live with the Queens!" This gets me some weird looks on the bus, but oh well.

Painfully Hip--Two rad girls with rad taste makes for one rad blog.

Style Bubble and Style Bytes--I tend to group these two together, because they're right next to each other on my blogroll and they both fit in the category of "Europeans Who Are Way CoolerThan Me." But yeah, they both rock.

Fashion is Spinach--A fairly new find for me (I know, I know, where have I been?), it's quickly become a day-maker.

I could write about fifty more blogs, easy, but I've gotta be up in a few hours when the blinding sun streams through my decimated drywall. Damnit.

Red Lips? For Valentine's Day?

Joanna Goddard told me to. How could I say no?

Sage Beauty Advice, as Overheard on Public Transit

"Get rid of the Mary Kay face scrub, Jenna, get rid of it! No, seriously, I went to the dermatologist for this zit thing, and it was actually a SKIN INFECTION. Gross, right?? That scrub eats away the top layer of your skin, so you could just walk through somebody's cough and, like, get AIDS."

Douchision 2008

So, for awhile now, my eighteen-year-old brother (of frequent guest post fame) has wanted to get a pair of aviator sunglasses. Whenever he comes to my house, he puts on my favorite pair of Valentinos and admires himself in the mirror, muttering things like, "If only! If only!" As soon as I suggest he wear them outside, though, he screeches, "NO!," slams them down on the table, and reverts back to a life spent squinting into the sun.

His reasoning for this is simple: "I don't want to look like a fuckin' douchebag."

I'm all for wearing what you want, but life's rough out there for a teenage boy. My other brother got pulled over eight times by the same cop just for wearing a sideways baseball cap. Which was pretty douchey, yeah, but still.

Remember how I encouraged you to vote in the primaries? Well, this is way more important.

What do you think?

	Total. Douche.
	No Douches Here.
pollcode.com free polls

Martin Sheen, Fashion Blogger Extraordinaire

Winona couldn't afford to send me to fashion week this year. Apparently a first class ticket costs a shmidge more than a kennel in the cargo hold, and she didn't think I was worth the upgrade. Hm. Nevermind my stellar coverage last year...To some people, it's all about the cheddah. I threatened to quit this gig all together but then she lured me back with some cheddar.

So I guess my 2008 fashion week coverage will be short and sweet, beginning and ending with this dress:

A perfect blend of my two favorite things in life: shiny silver and dead birds.

XOXO,
Martin

Dress by Bill Blass.

p.s. As usual, if you're a new reader and totally confused right now, catch up on Martin's origins here.

Blogback Mountain

When I wake up in the morning, my cheek is crusted with drool, I can only open one eye at a time, speak in a jumbled mess of English and high school Spanish, and make multiple threats on my boyfriend's life ("Me want...matar...YOU!"). When Jennine wakes up in the morning, she's...like this.

My friend Lydia is going to have the most stylish children ever--that adorable cummerbund will be totally worth the daily beatings!

Fashion Grenades is rocking a hipster mullet. (I never thought I'd type a sentence like that...)

Enter A Cup of Jo's romantic photo contest!

I only recently discovered Fashion Toast, but good god this girl is stylish and creative and GORGEOUS! It's now on my daily list of fashion blogs that make me feel a curious mix of boring, bloated, and inspired. (See also: Flying Saucer, Kingdom of Style, and Style Bytes)

Wendy Brandes has a handy template for lazy fashion journalists.

Fashion is Spinach was lucky enough to attend a swanky Gucci party with everyone who's anyone (including Susie "anyone" Bubble!). Read her detailed recap for a rave review of Katie Holmes's hair. (And click here for my rave review of the same.)

The Big Green

Sometimes I am a stupid consumer. Use the word "creme" on anything, for example, and I will buy it and eat it (even if it's, like, lotion...not my best moment). Or sometimes, when Sienna Miller puts on a certain shade of lipstick, I'll go to the MAC counter and request the exact same shade and buy it without trying it on and secretly expect it to give me fabulous cheekbones.

Recently, my (and the rest of the country's) sheepish compulsion has come to include anything labeled, "green," "natural," "organic," "eco-friendly," or any other form of "not poison." So when I walked past a big green display (sidenote: Does anyone else remember The Big Green?) lauding the launch of Physicians Formula's Organic Wear 100% Natural Origin Tinted Moisturizer, I became intrigued (and when I say "intrigued," I mean "a brainwashed imbecile"). Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the product description included the word "organic" six times, the bottle was an adorable tan and green leafy design, and there was a big green (teehehe) coupon for $3 off the $10 price tag sitting on the shelf next to it. This marketing team was good, real good. I was a goner.


Here is a brief description of my thought process as I grabbed a tube, a coupon, and ran for the checkout:

-This is such a good deal! I'd be a fool to pass up a deal this good!
-As much as I love my Clinique tinted moisturizer, it costs 30 damn bucks a tube! If I can replace it with this stuff, I can spend the difference on a burger and a ticket to Fool's Gold!
-BAAAHHH THE TITLE SAYS NATURAL AND ORGANIC! NO MORE THINKING! MUST BUY!

So, I laid down my seven dollars and I went home and opened it up and slathered it all over my face and I felt really good about myself until it hit me: This stuff sucks.

First of all, it smelled like cheap foundation spiked with patchouli. Since I had smeared a generous amount under my nose and also have a generous amount of pride (like hell I'm just gonna wipe it off and admit defeat!), I got to be reminded of this all day, and developed a generous headache. Secondly, the color was ironically unnatural. I turned a sort of sallow orange, and all of my pores seemed to double in size (perhaps they were gasping for some non-organic air?).

I returned my impulse buy the next day, and ran out of my Clinique supply shortly after. For the moment, I've given up wearing tinted makeup on my face. It feels kind of natural.

p.s. I wish I could say this experience cured me of my "green" trigger, but it hasn't at all. I bought a tube of natural mascara just yesterday, in fact. Stay tuned.

This is what I call an "Aphrodisidress"

SO much hotter than oysters or chocolate or rhino horn.

Ali Ro Silk Trapeze Dress, ON SALE for $120 (but only size 6 and under--curse my peasant stock!), nordstrom.com

Five Men Vs. Marc Jacobs

I recently received the following email in regards to this shoe, which made its debut on the Marc Jacobs Spring 2008 runway:


Dearest Winona,

Can you explain these shoes to me? I can't seem to grasp how they "work"...and by that I mean, unless we all walk "en pointe", how do they function in the real world? I was hoping perhaps you could shed some light on these quirky pumps that Mr. Jacobs has dreamed up and (somehow) put on the runway.

Signed,

Confounded in Carolina

Dear Confounded,

Sure, I could try to explain these shoes (and my explanation would surely include the confession that I kind of sort of intensely love these, and would you be OK with that?), but wouldn't you rather hear what my five fashion-clueless men think of them? Yeah, that's what I thought. So here you go:

Brother, age 12: (Stares for awhile) It looks like one of those babies that’s born with, like, 8 limbs, except its got one of the limbs in the wrong place.

Brother, age 20: What do you want me to say? It's ugly. It's useless.

Brother, age 18: (Laughs) Uhhh... (Laughs some more) First impression? Someone in the factory made a mistake.

Boyfriend: Oh jesus! What the fuck! I wasn't expecting that...Wait, how would that work? (Stands up and attempts to walk with his heel raised in the air) That wouldn't work at all! It'd be so uncomfortable! But it would be a good workout for your calves, yeah?

Father: It looks like it was designed and made by a cross-eyed dyslexic with ADHD.

[Editor's Note: That's right, my dad just threw down with Marc Jacobs! He's bold! He's fearless! Or...he has no idea who Marc Jacobs is...]