Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Saggy Tights Terrorist?

I received this email from my amazing friend, frequent commenter, and FBI agent (yes, really) "Echidna Girl," and it was too good not to share:

Ever have one of those days where you’re walking along at 4:30am and it’s 24 degrees and you’re freezing and you suddenly realize that it probably wasn’t a really good idea to eke one last use out of that old pair of black tights because the elastic is gone baby gone? You’re racing along as your toes are irreversibly dying from frostbite when suddenly you get that strange feeling that your tights are beginning to slip and it’s oh shiiiiiiit. You can’t get to them because they’re under 6 layers of clothing and you dread taking off your gloves and you’re still 10 minutes from the FBI Headquarters.

You start doing the funky hip swivel walk…but it isn’t working and now they’re down around your hips and things are getting desperate so off come the gloves and you have to reach in through your overcoat and grab whatever you can. All dignity is gone. Homeless people are no longer asking you for change as they recognize you as one of their own. You’re shuffling along at the lightning speed of a millipede because still…IT’S F%!KING FREEZING…but you can only propel yourself from the knees down.

Now you’re approaching the FBI building it suddenly occurs to you that you are exuding a sense of desperate determination born from utter humiliation, and with one hand shoved awkwardly in your coat, you’re rapidly hurling yourself at a major United States Government target. Just maybe you might want to reconsider your options before you reach the armed guards at the gate...

And that, my friends, is why you don't wear old tights.


Anonymous said...

oh my god, this is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

lol ya i've been there for sure!

Anonymous said...

Uh, this is perfect and totally applicable to DC on a day like today. I once heard a military man outside my office (by the Pentagon) talking about a midget with a tiny violin, so I really think that most government folks in DC are actually quite fascinating and more funny than one might think....

daddylikeyblog said...


I absolutely agree--the people I met in DC were absolutely amazing and had me laughing constantly. You and your musical midgets are a hilarious bunch!

Anonymous said...

Ahahah! That's so excruciatingly funny! Poor girl. Thanks for sharing that!

G. said...

My word verification word was "stingi". That story is EPIC.

Anne-Marie said...

had to put on an extra pair of knickers at a wedding recently (a la superman) as I accidentally bought my tights a size too big. hellatious!

Molly said...

Oh man, I feel like I've had a run in with old tights before and it was just about as unpretty as this story. =P

Anonymous said...

yeah, reminds me of school days (in the UK most schools have a uniform - black tights for girls was part of it) - I have 2 sisters, who were excellent at grabbing the best tights first so I invariably ended up with the dodgy old tights, usually with holes/ladders (clear nail polish...) and yes, they fell down all the time!

Cal said...

check out love picture #2 on this post to see my tights issue. two words: elephant knees.

Kim said...

I don't like laughing at other people's misfortunes, but I will admit, I have tears, actual TEARS of joyful mirth right now.
I'm sorry. That was good.

Erin said...

This is awesome. Incidentally, I just wrote a post on tights a couple of days ago. But I must admit, throwing the government into the mix sure does make it even funnier.

echidna girl said...

Glad to hear I'm not the only one out there with a 'special needs' wardrobe. As in needs to be tossed.

Someone needs to invent electric warming tights. Free idea for your enterprising readers. With strong elastic, of course.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

I would fork over MANY DOLLARS for electric warming tights. And my husband has always wanted to be an inventor - thanks, Echidna Girl!

And damn if I haven't been there with the saggy, rebellious old tights ... minus the FBI, of course.

Lisa said...

Yikes, I've been there before, although the results were more pathetic than hilarious.

Super Noodle Rach said...

that is too funny!!

The Nooky Manifesto said...

i'd like to add my name to the list for electric warming tights!

Mortician Rachel said...

I loved this!
And electric tights? Count me in.
It was 20 below today where I go to school, and walking back and forth across campus was torture. Electric tights would be lovely.

Katy said...

Thank goodness I haven't been there yet.

Tricia said...

hahahaha, brilliant! i forgot one must be careful running around dc yanking up tights.

Bekah said...

ohhh my goodness, the mental pictures!

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Very sound advice there.


Anonymous said...

Why readers of others blogs are so mean to me? OK, stop visiting THOSE catty blogs. I'll come back only here. That's it. Nice posts, nice people, granted laughings.

Being uncomfortable is part of being tights, but freezing isn't an alternative, so...let's hope that they stay where they are supposed to, waiting for the electric warming system to conqueer the world!

Robo said...

OMG I laughed so hard at that, not only because I've totally been in that situation, but because your friend wrote that whole scenario brilliantly :)

Anonymous said...

This is why I carry masking tape in my purse at all times, pull the tights up, mask around the theighs, go on with your life.

But then again I am pretty weird.

Make Do Style said...


Molly said...

thanks for enlightening me, i hope this never happens with me and my tights!

Anonymous said...

I was in this situation recently. Luckily, it's not too cold here. Warmed up from 38 to 54 and I just took the suckers off and threw them in the trash. Of course, I wondder what the custodian thought when she cleaned my classroom.

Anthea said...

Hahahah what a great letter. I love it. I totally know how she feels. I end up wearing panty hose most of the week and it's just better to spend the money and buy new ones :)

Anonymous said...

Hahaha love it (^_^)

Anonymous said...

I don't like laughing at other people misfortune, but my tears fell........ because of laughing.. simply awesome..

Pret a Porter P said...

oh no!!!!

Vera said...

hahahah she's got a talent! keep it coming!

the assistant said...

my laugh of the day... priceless

Anonymous said...

a coworker of mine suggested wearing my underwear over my tights when this was happening to me one day. fast forward 2 hours, to my underwear falling down in the middle of the cafeteria. never again...

Anonymous said...

This is pretty much why I switched to thigh highs with garter belts, tights just don't stay up well after a while.

Jessi said...

Haha, lesson learned. I'll steer clear of the old tights from now on!

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