Yes, it is time once again for the always fun feature Five Men's Fashion First Impressions, in which I show the five men in my life an intriguing/confusing/frightening fashion item and record their immediate responses.
Our item of the day, a "piano fringe" (I believe the more appropriate term is "shredded to hell") cardigan by Rick Owens Lilies, currently available on netaporter.com for $524. Behold:
You know, when I was in music class in second grade, we sang this really stupid song about the excitement of election day (sample lyric: Election day! Election day! The day we decide how it's gonna be!). I wouldn't know the true excitement of election day for another ten years, so instead of singing it once more with feeling as our music teacher pleaded, I found a string hanging off of my sweater, and I pulled on it until class was over. It was great fun, and by the end of class I had an exact replica of this cardigan we're discussing today--had I only known that I could have sold it online for $500, a sum that would have secured me one hell of a lot of My Little Ponies.
But enough about me. Here are the men:
The Boyfriend: It looks like what you'd find on a corpse after it's been decomposing for six months.
The Father: First of all, what is it?
Me: It's a cardigan.
The Father: They're calling that a cardigan? (pained laugh) Oh Jesus...Well, it looks like something Morticia Adams would be really happy with. That's really atrocious.
Brother, age 19: This is quite a "fashion don't." It's just made of that mesh they bag onions with. I could make that.
Brother, age 17: Portuguese Man-of-War.
Brother, age 12: (eyes widen) It looks like a spider...and a cow...fused into one.
Me: How the hell does this look like a cow?
Brother, age 12: It's milky...and smooth...I don't know how to explain it, ok??
Brother, age 12, returns half an hour later, stifling laughter: It looks like something a (dramatic airquotes) "widow" would wear. Get it? Like black widow. See, when you write it, just put parentheses around "widow" and it's a joke. Cuz I already mentioned spider so I gave you the perfect set-up for this.