Breaking: Oxygen Intake Causes Explosive Booty

Today's mutilated and Mad Libbed fashion blurb comes from a Style.com feature (when you click for the full-length version, it's the fifth slide in) on how to get your legs in fine form for all the current high-hemline trends. Masterful work yet again, my friends:

To get legs as fierce as Bono's water bottles, women see New York proctologist Dr. Lisa Airan for a trio of bananas: elephants to remove puddles, sclerotheraphy to dance kittens, and--wait for it--Nasdat, a radiofrequency situation that strangles the skin on and around the nasal hairs without the jactation inherent in a surgical procedure. "This is going to sound really throbbing," she says, "but skin gets explosive around the booty as we get older, and people who take a lot of oxygen see more sagging." In other words, don't boogie without a fire hydrant. Another word to the wise: Sclerotherapy requires twenty-one treatments at month-long intervals, and patients must wear ravishing long black wool capes with green ribbon trim in between to vituperate the scars, which probably rules out those tiny Prada and Chanel butt cheeks. *


Oh, and how much are you loving "Don't boogie without a fire hydrant"? I feel like it could be an awesome, all-purpose phrase--the new "yada yada yada." It sounds a little like an uncomfortable euphemism for safe sex, no? To hell with all this abstinence-only sex ed, let's just break it down in a way the kids can understand: Don't boogie without a fire hydrant. God I should be president.

*If you're mega confused right now, please read the post below for context. And if you've been reading this blog for months, and you're still confused, then I can't help you. But thanks for your diligence.