The other day my boyfriend and I decided to play tennis. This was a stupid decision because all of my sports bras had recently been massacred in a terrible laundry accident (I can't discuss the details yet--I'm too emotional), but I was feeling cocky and thought I could get away with wearing one of my regular lacy bras, just this once.
Again, this was a stupid decision. Because a good foundation is essential, and it's especially essential while playing sports.
At the tennis courts, I complained a lot. I tiptoed around instead of running. I moaned, "You will never know my plight!" And after I attempted to serve with my racket tucked into my armpit and both hands holding my boobs in place, my boyfriend said, "That's it. We're going to get you a new sports bra."
The closest supplier was Aries Apparel, so we sped over there, I grabbed the first employee I saw and said, "Look, I'm ready to admit it. I need help. I left a tennis game to come here. I've hit rock bottom."
The woman, who happened to be the Patron Saint of Double-D Cups, gently grabbed me by the shoulders, led me into the dressing room, and shut the curtains. "Don't come out," she said, "and don't panic. Just promise me you'll try on every bra I give you."
So I did. I was there for, like, two hours. And I found this bra:
Here are the top 5 reasons I'm in love with it:
Its name is "Maia."
Which makes it extra easy to anthropomorphize, as in: "Maia and me played soccer today and had so much fun! Then we got frappuccinos and watched Cool Runnings."
Normally I don't care that much about modesty. I mean, I try my best not to show-cha my chocha, but I love a good miniskirt or a deep v-neck. However, the combination of loose workout clothes, too-small sports bras, and contortionist poses can turn an innocent yoga class into a particularly raunchy round of strippersize, and I do have an issue with that. Maia helps me stay decent, even during downward facing dog.
It's like two bras in one.
It's got the coverage and elasticity of a regular pullover sports bra, combined with the all-important underwire and adjustable straps: the best of both worlds!
It doesn't resemble a sporty straight jacket.
One of the bras my Aries Apparel bra consultant insisted I try on might warrant its own post at some point: it had approximately 700 clasps from my belly button up to my neck, crushed my boobs into submissive pancakes, and may or may not have been made of Kevlar. Sure, it probably could have protected me from a mortar attack, but it was so ugly and uncomfortable that I was terrified to put it on, and then needed assistance from two people to take it off. No thanks. Not fun.
OMG I can run in it!
Running with an ample bosom is a complicated endeavor involving all manner of slings, pulleys, and an emergency medical team on call. Normal sports bras just don't cut it. Me and Maia, though? We could run all day. Well, realistically we could run for, like, 25 minutes, but still. It's awesome.
Have any of you large-chested readers found a sports bra you love? Please spread the Non-Bouncy Good News in the comments!