A couple weeks ago I was in the hosiery section of Nordstrom. And they had a big shelf of jeggings there, right next to the socks and tights and pantyhose. And I felt really conflicted about it.
I mean, jeggings can be interpreted as jeans made of leggings-like fabric, or leggings made to look like jeans (or predatory seabirds, I guess). Jeggings retailers have to pick a side. Nordstrom sent a strong statement with their jeggings placement: this item is more hosiery than pants. Urban Outfitters, on the other hand, stocks their jeggings next to their normal jeans. The ramifications of this decision could be terrifying.
I think, ideally, jeggings would be stocked in some kind of a hybrids-only section along with Toyota Priuses, plucots, and the Pig Man from Seinfeld. But alas, that's just not a realistic option right now, what with the Toyota recall and all.
So, to help us this out, I've decided to present both sides of the issue in the style of a 19th century political debate. For the sake of argument, I will take the "jeggings as jeans" side, while Abraham Lincoln (obviously) will argue that jeggings are, in fact, more like leggings, and therefore well suited to the hosiery section.
Me: Jeggings. Such a confusing little word. Such a confusing little garment. Are they leggings or are they jeans? They are both, but also, somehow, neither. When it comes to jeggings, there is only one thing I know for sure: seeing them in the hosiery section makes me go, "Huh?" And that is unacceptable.
Abraham Lincoln: Friends and patriots, I speak to you today as a conflicted man. My personal struggle with this issue has deeply affected me and my family, but I have finally come to a conclusion… jeggings are more leggings than jeans, and should be treated accordingly.
Me: Abe, with all due respect, that is wack. If jeggings were merely leggings, then why would seeing them in the hosiery section reduce me to tearful spasms of confusion and panic?
Abraham Lincoln: I'm really not sure why that would ever happen.
Me: When I see jeggings stocked with other jeans, I just get slightly uncomfortable, but I can deal with it. Therefore, jeggings are more like jeans.
Abraham Lincoln: Deeming these modest underthings "jeans" is an outright fabrication! The only quality jeggings share with jeans is the first initial "J."
Me: As my dear friend Benjamin Franklin once said, "If it walks like a jean, and talks like a jean, it's a pair of jeans."
Abraham Lincoln: Your whole argument hinges on a fake Benjamin Franklin quote?
Me: Mostly, yes.
Abraham Lincoln: Unlike my opponent, I don't think this is a topic that should be taken lightly. Stocking jeggings alongside jeans is a bold act of rebellion. It says to the world, "Don't worry about wearing these as a bottom layer. Please, feel welcome to wear them as pants." And that, my friends, is a dangerous precedent.
Me: Dude, Abe, the latest trend is not wearing pants at all--let the people throw on a pair of jeggings!
Abraham Lincoln: I suppose in this case you could call me a separatist. Can't we just give jeggings their own section?
Me: I totally agree. We need to find the Pig Man.
So, which side are you on?
p.s. A big thanks to my amazing brother Tona for helping me generate Abraham Lincoln jeggings quotes.