Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Top 5 Things I Would Say to My Wardrobe if We Were in Couples Counseling

(photo via rocket_ship)

I have a very complex relationship with my wardrobe. Sometimes the contents of my closet make me feel exuberant, confident, and sassy--I'm so proud of these clothes I have collected and the way they flatter my figure and express my personality. And other times these very same clothes make me feel stifled, frumpy, and angry.

Yesterday morning was one of these "other times."

I found myself collapsing dramatically into a pile of cardigans on my bed, choking back tears and declaring, "I hate everything I own. Everything. I just hate it!" I wanted to go on a shopping spree or join a nudist colony or at the very least, hire Bruce Willis to drill a nuke into my closet and blow it up so mankind could be spared from seeing these awful clothes ever again. [New 2010 goal: less Armageddon references, more allusions to the works of Nabokov.]

Anyway, during these emotional moments in my cardigan pile, I got to thinking that this complex relationship I have with my wardrobe isn't unlike the complex relationship one might have with a boyfriend or girlfriend or sibling or parent. Sure, sometimes we treat each other terribly, but deep down, we really love each other. And the good times far outweigh the bad.

If my wardrobe and I decided to go to couples counseling to work on our relationship, here are a few things I would want to say:
  • Sometimes I feel like you don't support me. But maybe I'm expecting too much from you, especially that six year old bra I keep wearing instead of donating to the local historical society.
  • You definitely deserve better treatment, so I will try to pick you up off the floor more often. I will also try to stop yelling "I HATE YOU.
  • I need you to be more flexible. Mostly when I eat too much pasta.
  • I know I need to stop looking for a cheap thrill at TJ Maxx whenever I get bored with you, but be patient with me, OK? Old habits die hard.
  • Sorry I keep a Goodwill bag in the closet and throw random things in it over the course of weeks or months. That must sort of feel like being held hostage and not knowing which of your friends is going to be taken away next. Stress central.
What would you say to your wardrobe? And what would it say to you?

17 comments:

Jackie said...

Great post, Winona! I love that you work humor into such quality writing. I'm going to think about what I would say to my wardrobe and I'll get back to you. :)

Renee said...

fun post! most of my clothes are thrifted, so i think they'd thank me for giving them a good home, haha

Sal said...

Right there with you, lady. Topping my apology list?

"I'm sorry that my never-ending shoe-buying spree makes you feel like you'll never be good enough. Blame it on my ADD!"

WendyB said...

Definitely give up the cheap thrills and look for long-term relationships.

Lesa said...

I would apologize for buying cute things and then never even taking the tags off. I am constantly saving for that big event that will never come...sigh.

J. said...

Haha, LOVE this post, especially your new 2010 goal regarding Nabokov, whom I need to read more of.

Katy Mary said...

Oh boy, I have the same relationship with my closet. I have SO MUCH CLOTHING yet never seem to want to wear any of it.

Kimberly said...

That was sooo funny Winona! I never thought about how badly i treat my closet sometimes too... thanks for the laugh :)

Loraine said...

Oh, I love synchronicity. I was just having these same sentiments yesterday- I'm not sure what I'd apologize for, but I do know that at odd times I'll be staring at a nearly full wardrobe and will be willing to swear in front of some civil authority that most of it must be in the wash, honestly there was a ton of cute stuff here just a day ago. And then also something about Nabokov and blutbakn, which is the word in my verification picture and now one of my new favourites.

lisa said...

Haha love this post! And I have a Goodwill drawer where I stuff random things over the course of weeks and months; once it gets a bit full I stuff everything in a bag for the donation bin. :-)

It's Always Sunny in Portland said...

i love this post. i can totally relate. "stress central" - haha, i love it.

http://portlandsunshine.blogspot.com/2010/03/couples-counseling-with-your-closet.html

Erin said...

hahahaha. i have these moments too - most often in a sleepy haze where i have to get ready for work in 35 mins.

A-C said...

This is great! I might apologize to my clothes for having to share a closet w/The Fiance. But yours are way better.

~Jolene'sMemoryKeeping said...

I think my wardrobe would tell me that I need to stop buying just work clothes...i am aloud to look cute and compfortable on my days off and after work.

oh and HANG ME UP! I have several of my work skirts and slacks just laying on my dresser instead of in the open closet.

Kristina said...

oh winona, i love reading you. i, too, keep my closet in a state of constant stress because i keep a goodwill bag near it. i, too, fling myself on my bed and dramatically declare that i have nothing to wear and i hate my clothes.

i think my wardrobe would tell me to quit whining (and to stop buying button-down shirts that i hate and never wear). also that i need more shoes. or maybe that's what i'd say. i think we both agree that i need more shoes.

Ana said...

HiI'm Ana and I recently started a blg,mostly of the fact that I'm inspired by people like you, I really like this post, I wonder if you mind if I write one the same, but I will mention that it was your ideea , link back of course:)

Just let me know.
Xo

Helen said...

I could not agree more, some days I just want to burn half the stuff in there. I just wrote a post about it actually.

PS: you can never have enough Bruce Willis references, fact.

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