Friday, February 16, 2007

Premium Jeans as Mutual Funds

Today I did something really dumb. I decided that after a depressing day at school, just after getting over a cold, and directly after a hearty, bloating meal would be the perfect time to go jeans shopping.

Needless to say, I was at the store for over an hour, didn't find anything, and seemed to have misplaced my self worth somewhere in the fluorescent-lit hellhole of a dressing room (the lighting gave me pimples--seriously, how does that work?). But it was the conversation I had with my boyfriend in the car on the way home that really got me thinking. Here is a rough transcript:

Me: Good God. How has my mirror at home been hiding the fact that I'm morbidly obese for all these years?

Nick: Not again.

Me: You know what I think I'll do?

Nick: What?

Me: I think I'll wait til the beginning of next month when I have some money, and then I'll go to Nordstrom and buy some really expensive jeans that will last forever.

Nick: But your Sevens didn't last forever (referring to my 7 For All Mankind jeans that have been repaired more frequently than Joan Rivers' face and once suffered a zipper blowout at a most unfortunate public speaking moment).

Me: Yes they did.

Nick: No they didn't.

Me: Well, they're broken now, but they lasted for, like, EVER.

Nick: Nuh-uh, they didn't really last that long at all.

Me: I've had them since I was a baby!

Nick: They lasted for like a year, tops.

Me: Well, if that's true, I wore them, like, EVERY DAY for that year. And I wore 'em hard! If anything happened to them, it was my fault okay? I didn't treat them right! They deserved better! I should have known I was never good enough for premium denim!

Nick: Umm...okay.

---uncomfortable silence-----

Me: Nick, I have to tell you something. I have to believe that my Seven jeans lasted for twenty years because if they don't, then my entire world view is a lie and I will have to kill myself. I have to believe that $200 jeans are completely worth it or else everything comes crashing down and NOTHING IS LEFT and who would want to live in a world like that?? (as I said in my last post, I've had a fever).

Nick: Jesus.

End Scene.

As you can see, Nick is an imbecile and my logic is foolproof. Everyone knows that they found a pair of Sevens in King Tut's tomb (size 26's I hear, very trim little Pharaoh). Everyone knows that when you go to a financial adviser and tell him, "I'm looking for a safe, long-term investment," he will pull out a folder marked, "Mutual Funds," say, "Just kidding!," throw that crap in the garbage and show you these:

"A great investment with no risk involved," he'll say, "Except maybe the zipper shooting off when you're giving a final presentation to your communication theory class."
7 For All Mankind Dojo Trouser jeans, $187.00

"Listen, I can tell you're a savvy investor, so believe me when I tell you that people who buy these particular jeans always gain back the initial costs...times infinity."
True Religion Joey Big T Flare jeans, $262

"Your great grandchildren will still be enjoying substantial returns on these babies."
Rock & Republic Kiedis Bootcut jeans, $271

"These not only last for at least 800 years, they also give you a hot ass."
Dsquared Carpenter's Skinny jeans, $325 (I just had a small heart attack there, wow)

"Shall we have a cigar?"

All jeans from Saks; maybe don't trust any financial adviser who tells you to buy jeans.


Candid Cool said...

hilarious post as usual!

michelle said...

Take it from a Queen who knows - expensive jeans are THE best investment you will make - can a house make your legs appear longer , waist smaller and ass higher? No. Can diamonds flatter stomachs, pull in fat thighs and make you appear deeply ahead of trend? No. Your boyfriend knows nothing. You know everything...and so did King Tut when he rocked his Sevens.

layla said...

I am not sure if they have Nordstrom where you live, but you can take your broken jeans back there and they will replace them with little fuss for free. Their exchange policy is AMAZING. Even for stuff you do not have a receipt for anymore and have kept buried in the backyard for months. Seriously.

daddylikeyblog said...

you know, i actually got my 7's at Nordstrom, but for some reason I never thought to return the damn things. You are a brilliant thinker, my friend. I'll give it a shot and let you know how it turns out.

Bridget said...

Hahaha. SO TRUE. I've been begging for a pair of True Religion's forever!!

Christina and Emily said...

I LOL-ed a lot, because it's just so true. I lose my logic completely when justifying jean spending.

Daniella Bellini said...

Wow Oh my... I haven't laugh this hard in a LONG time. Well a couple months ago I promised my self that if I lost 10 lbs. I would reward my self the most beautiful figure flatering ass lifting jeans out there. I wanted these Rock & Republic Kiedis Jeans. They are wonderful!

This my first time at your blog an Im loving it! GREAT BLOG!

Karinaxoxo said...

Haha...your poor boyf has no idea does he. Of course a pair of designer jeans are an investment...duh.

Bojana said...

I love your blog!!!

Eli said...

See, Im just going to keep working at Fornarina, and buy all the jeans I will ever need in a lifetime with my store discount.

maya said...

i did that whole shopping on a bad day thing and ended up sitting in the changing room crying because i couldnt get into a pair of jeans that were a size too small anyway.
its just not a good idea.

High Fashion Girl said...

I think you should buy some Mavi's. They have been the most flattering jeans I've ever found, they only cost $88, and I have had a pair for 3 years with only the slightest of fraying at the bottom hem. Mavi jeans rock!

Charlottex said...

I'd say go with the Japanese Denim. I have a guy friend who bought some Samauri a few months ago and now that is all he wears. They are an experiment in textile evolution: start stiff as a board, shrink to fit. It takes 6-8 months before they have a real good fit (you can get them prewashed so that they are already slightly shrunk) and have a lifetime of about 10 years. plus they wear perfectly just for you. No baggy butt, no weird crotch rips. I figure if I am gonna spend $200 on jeans, I might as well go Rolls Royce and go all out for the $300. Now when I go into Strawberries, Filene's or wherever I am with an abundance of cheap clothing I think of owning one pair of jeans that will actually last forever rather then twenty pairs that all suck in their own unique way.

Tamron Lohan said...

haaa. this is hilarious, especially to someone who's rolling over two 401Ks into an IRA AND has 7s that cost "only" $40 - at burlington freaking coat factory! - but, alas, no longer fit.

that somebody would be me, btw.

Kato said...

All the hilarity of this post has made me de-lurk, and tell you that in the spirit of self-justification when it comes to jeans, revolve clothing has the Dojo pair for $149 with no shipping charges. Could it be that this is enough to push you over the edge, as they may just make me cave! You are one lovely blogger :)

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