Today I did something really dumb. I decided that after a depressing day at school, just after getting over a cold, and directly after a hearty, bloating meal would be the perfect time to go jeans shopping.
Needless to say, I was at the store for over an hour, didn't find anything, and seemed to have misplaced my self worth somewhere in the fluorescent-lit hellhole of a dressing room (the lighting gave me pimples--seriously, how does that work?). But it was the conversation I had with my boyfriend in the car on the way home that really got me thinking. Here is a rough transcript:
Me: Good God. How has my mirror at home been hiding the fact that I'm morbidly obese for all these years?
Nick: Not again.
Me: You know what I think I'll do?
Me: I think I'll wait til the beginning of next month when I have some money, and then I'll go to Nordstrom and buy some really expensive jeans that will last forever.
Nick: But your Sevens didn't last forever (referring to my 7 For All Mankind jeans that have been repaired more frequently than Joan Rivers' face and once suffered a zipper blowout at a most unfortunate public speaking moment).
Me: Yes they did.
Nick: No they didn't.
Me: Well, they're broken now, but they lasted for, like, EVER.
Nick: Nuh-uh, they didn't really last that long at all.
Me: I've had them since I was a baby!
Nick: They lasted for like a year, tops.
Me: Well, if that's true, I wore them, like, EVERY DAY for that year. And I wore 'em hard! If anything happened to them, it was my fault okay? I didn't treat them right! They deserved better! I should have known I was never good enough for premium denim!
Me: Nick, I have to tell you something. I have to believe that my Seven jeans lasted for twenty years because if they don't, then my entire world view is a lie and I will have to kill myself. I have to believe that $200 jeans are completely worth it or else everything comes crashing down and NOTHING IS LEFT and who would want to live in a world like that?? (as I said in my last post, I've had a fever).
As you can see, Nick is an imbecile and my logic is foolproof. Everyone knows that they found a pair of Sevens in King Tut's tomb (size 26's I hear, very trim little Pharaoh). Everyone knows that when you go to a financial adviser and tell him, "I'm looking for a safe, long-term investment," he will pull out a folder marked, "Mutual Funds," say, "Just kidding!," throw that crap in the garbage and show you these:
"A great investment with no risk involved," he'll say, "Except maybe the zipper shooting off when you're giving a final presentation to your communication theory class."
7 For All Mankind Dojo Trouser jeans, $187.00
"Listen, I can tell you're a savvy investor, so believe me when I tell you that people who buy these particular jeans always gain back the initial costs...times infinity."
True Religion Joey Big T Flare jeans, $262
"Your great grandchildren will still be enjoying substantial returns on these babies."
Rock & Republic Kiedis Bootcut jeans, $271
"These not only last for at least 800 years, they also give you a hot ass."
Dsquared Carpenter's Skinny jeans, $325 (I just had a small heart attack there, wow)
"Shall we have a cigar?"
All jeans from Saks; maybe don't trust any financial adviser who tells you to buy jeans.