A Multi-Layered Problem

So, I have to say that this layering thing is really getting out of hand.

When the concept first came out, when we saw that first glorious glimpse of a longer t-shirt under a contrasting shorter one, or leggings peeking out from under a skirt, or a mini-mini-dress over skinny jeans, well, things were so innocent and exciting back then. Layering brought a new shape and provided infinite opportunities to play and create fun outfits. I happily invested in about 800 slim, long-cut shirts and continue to layer them with great and fashionable delight.

But somewhere along the line, a Dark Side of layering has emerged. Yes, the Imperial Fashion Forces grabbed onto this trend and pushed it to the limit, declaring that more is always better but a five shirt minimum is best.

I'm all for layering and limit-pushing, but, for example, a recent Lucky magazine (yes, despite all the hatin', I'm still readin') editorial entitled "Spring Layering" so resembled a snuff film in which the model is slowly strangled to death by shirts and sweaters and vests and coats and leggings that I could barely get through it (and by "I could barely get through it," I mean, "I looked at it for like seventeen hours and invited friends over to laugh at it with me.") The poor model was often wearing a tank top, a t-shirt, two sweaters, a vest, a skirt, a dress, two coats, and a pile of tangled necklaces, and her smile was as strained as you'd expect from someone whose ribcage is slowly collapsing under four-hundred pounds of cashmere.

So I thought, well, I could scan in the magazine pages to illustrate my point. Or I could recreate them in my kitchen...

Daddy Likey presents:

A Not-That-Exaggerated Interpretation of the Lucky Magazine Spring Layering Guide

or

A Cautionary Tale of Uber-Layering

We'll start off with a nice, basic foundation. A t-shirt and mini skirt will do nicely:

Did I say "basic foundation?" I'm sorry. I meant, "BOORRRIIINNNG." Look how sad I am! Nobody wants to wear an outfit so boring! I yearn for layers! (Full disclosure: I also might be sad because the camera angle makes me look like I'm built like a 49ers linebacker and hundreds of people are going to see these pictures, but it's most likely because I'm yearning for layers.)

A vest and a necklace should fix things:

Ah yes, much better. Now I'm very pleased with myself. But still, it's missing something...Let's see...we've got a skirt, t-shirt, vest....ooh! I know! A dress!

Notice how my top half is starting to look as large as a refrigerator while my legs appear tiny in comparison? Good, see, that's the idea. If your legs can still support your torso by the end of this process then you have failed. Repeat after me, ladies: Top-heavy is tops!

Still, there is a gaping void in my outfit that only a baggy cardigan can fill:

Cute, but I feel so naked! A coat will make it better:

The addition of this coat has so inspired me that I have struck a sexy pose! (Let it be noted that I actually moved my arms to this position and they got stuck.)

And what did your mother always tell you to put on after your coat, cardigan, skirt, dress, vest, and t-shirt? That's right, another vest and a tie and a beret:

My friend Rachel pushed my arms down for me, and this is when my lungs started to implode.

But we're not quite done yet. It's spring! Your ensemble should be light, comfortable, and perfectly put together, like our final product here:

Yes, I am now uber-layered and seem to be roughly as wide as I am tall. Success! I know what you're thinking: Get the hell out of the way, Coco Chanel, a new style icon's in town! Well, either that or "What the hell is that woman who lives in the alley next to my apartment and constantly yells about the rabid hedgehog invasion doing on a fashion blog?"

Here are some detail shots for inspiration:


This is where my boobs used to be:


Here's me trying to look pretty despite my imminent, triple-coat-induced death:


And how I really feel:


Please layer responsibly.

p.s. Thanks to my dearest Rachy for helping choose outfits, taking the pictures, and saving my life afterwards.