This Post is Short Because I'm Rather Speechless...

Well, well, well...a quick flip through the J. Crew catalog this evening brought quite the surprise:

Yes, that would be a pair of J. Crew overalls. Priced to sell at $118.

Considering the fact that "Yes, I'm judging you," is currently leading my personal overalls poll by a fairly wide margin (with "I'm judging you a little" coming in second), I'm sure glad I got mine for $9.

Don't Show-cha Your Chocha: Volume 1

In case you missed the intro to this feature, you can get all caught up here.

Well, I asked, and boy did you deliver. Here are the first few submissions to Don't Show-cha Your Chocha:

An anonymous reader quickly pointed out this glaring sartorial error as featured on Go Fug Yourself:

This picture basically speaks for itself (ummm...is her entire ass hanging out the back?), but there's more witty commentary here.

Reader Christine knew she had to check BabyPhat first (ah yes, we can always count on Kimora can't we?), and her instincts served her well:

"I love how they specify that the 'dress' is 31 inches in length. And it's $54. So that's how many dollars per inch? Too bad I'm bad at math."

I second that--those are some damn expensive and ineffective inches.

Bernie found this great photo on the Urban Outfitters website:

I think she said it best in her email: "That poor girl."

This feature is ongoing (at least until people get the whole shirt vs. dress thing sorted out...it might be awhile), so keep 'em coming! Send your semi-pornographic finds to daddylikeyblog@gmail.com

How To Not Look Like A Hobbit

In an event of fashion serendipity, I received the following two emails within hours of each other:

Hi Winona,

I would like to ask your advice about a fashion conundrum that I am currently going through, and have gone through every summer. I'm short, 5'1" to be exact, and have muscular legs that sometimes come off as stocky. I hate always wearing heels, so I was wondering if you have any advice on what type of bottoms (skirts, pants, Capri's etc.) I should wear that wouldn't make me look like a tree stump, yet don't involve the wearing of 4" heels?
Signed,
Down on High Heels

Winona,
I just got my prom pictures back. I wore a mid calf asymmetrical black dress which was a big mistake because I have TREE TRUNK LEGS. My legs are like the prosthetics they gave all the extras playing hobbits in the Lord of the Rings movies to make them look stubbier. Is there any way to downplay cankles without having to wear jeans or floor-length dresses all the time?
Signed,
Ain't an Ent

I loved the fact that in one afternoon I received two emails containing tree-stump analogies, so I decided to answer both queries in one massive Leg-o-Thon (god I wish that made sense).

Let me just begin by saying how much I despise the default fashion advice that is constantly dispensed to short and/or stocky legged women: "High heels are a must! Always wear heels! Really, really high heels!" I've got a newsflash for all you cruel-hearted, long-legged fashion editors: Real women can't just wear heels all the time. And even if we could, I think most of us would rather die.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get this party started:

How to Flatter Short Legs and/or Disguise Cankles and/or Just Not Look Like A Hobbit

Embrace:

Wedges.
Wedges are heels' kinder, gentler, but equally flattering cousin. They are magical in their ability to give you some height (and therefore elongate the leg) while maintaining comfort.

Seychelles, $74.95, nordstrom.com

"Zora," $31.99, naturalizer.com

Even this much of a wedge will make your legs look longer and slimmer, and sweet jesus they're cute:

$34, Delias.com

Maxi-Dresses.
I know, I know, this is kind of cliche, predictable advice, and I swear I wouldn't dream of dispensing it were this not the season of adorable maxi-dresses. We are currently surrounded by these versatile, leg-disguising dresses that look as natural out to dinner as they do on the beach. I used to think that only models could pull these off, but then one day a short, normal-sized girl waltzed into my speech class wearing the cutest floor-length black jersey number and my life was forever changed.

Here are some cute options, and remember: as far as you know, these models' calves are as big as Folgers coffee cans:

Jersey Knit Pavilion Dress, $118, jcrew.com

Hibiscus Maxi-Dress, $39.50, alloy.com

They have this one dressed up with metallic heels, but I think it would be even cuter (and so comfy) dressed down with some flip-flops, a few bangles, and a ponytail.
Lily Knit Maxi-Dress, plus size, $98, nordstrom.com

Eye-Catching Tops.
Ah yes, the old bait-and-switch. Actually, come to think of it, I'm not sure what bait-and-switch means. But it seems right in this context. Wear a fabulous top with knee-length dark denim jeans, and I swear nobody will notice your legs (in a bad way, anyway).

Ya-Ya, $129, bluefly.com

Roxy, $38, nordstrom.com

Speaking of which, dark denim that hits near the knee is great for summer and can be really flattering, even for us short-legged gals. Try a variety of lengths, as just an inch or two can make or break the tree stump thing.

Boots.
Depending on the climate in which you live, of course, because dying of heatstroke in an effort to conceal your cankles would be a very sad way to go.

These Frye boots, for example, give everyone cankles, so wearing them would sort of be like at the end of V for Vendetta when everybody puts on a Guy Fawkes mask to fool the Norsefire police, except in this case you're disguising thick ankles instead of an anti-fascist vigilante, and hopefully the buildings of parliament can remain standing.

Anyway, I love some badass boots with a flouncy knee-length dress in the summer, so if your climate allows, go for it.

Avoid:

Extra-dainty shoes.
It's all about proportions. Conan O'Brien would not look his best in a wee little newsboy cap. Alternatively, larger legs will not look their best in wee little shoes.

Gladiator sandals. At all costs.

They have the power to make Elle Macpherson look like Danny Devito. Not. Good.

Skirts or pants that hit mid-calf.
As a short person myself, I've found that this length is most stumpifying (that sounds like the title of a Black Eyed Peas song, doesn't it?). Whenever I try something on with a hem in this danger zone, I frown at my suddenly-even-shorter legs in the mirror for awhile, then realize that all I need to do is lift the hem up a few inches to make it super-flattering. Put on one of your longer dresses and play with the length until you find the most flattering one for you.

Blogback Mountain: Stalling Edition

I've got a bit of finishing up to do on a fashion advice post, which I'll try to get up later today. In the meantime, check out these links:

You know that friend in elementary/junior/high school who always copied everything you did? Imagine if they changed their name to yours. That's how Lanvin feels.

That Dress is Divine! has this week's Fabulous! Festival (one of my writing teachers told me that writers should get only two exclamation points to use throughout their career, so they must use them sparingly...damnit).

Flashy Shades is a fan of Kate Beckinsale's flashy shades.

A while ago, my brothers and I declared Alec Guinness' birthday a day of celebration, sorrow, and Star Wars marathons. If Obi-Wan doesn't strike your fancy, Gala Darling has some alternate (celebrity) reasons to celebrate.

Raincoaster turns my impulse buy into an overalls movement. That's right, I'm the Dalai Lama of Denim.


Happy Monday! God I hate when people say that. Sorry.

Funny Quote; Funny Shoe

"I mean, how spoiled do you have to be as a culture to make up a dessert called 'Death By Chocolate?' Do you think they joke around about dying from their desserts in Somalia? 'Death By Fifty-Pound Bag of Relief Agency Rice' -- do you think there's a lot of that going on?"
~Greg Giraldo

~Miu Miu

Sniffing Out the Answers

I recently received, via email, the following perfume quandary:

Here’s my issue that I’m hoping that you can assist with. I can’t find a new perfume, and I can’t figure out why the hell no one has put together a “If you like Perfume A then you’re sure to like Perfume B, C, D, E, and F!” or “If you like Perfume G you’re sure to like Perfume X, Y, and Z!” list for all us non-collectors out there. Lots of perfumes I find truly offensive and/or they become truly offensive on me (I’m a sweaty girl, if you must know) and it’s difficult to find one I like, my boyfriend likes, and that doesn’t cause friends and family to hold their noses. All I know is that I go to Sephora or Neiman’s and my little nose is worn out after testing three or four perfumes and I end up frustrated and toting home yet another installment of Ralph Lauren Romance. Which I adore, by the way, it’s my sig frag, but I seriously would like to branch out.

Signed,
Scent of a (Frustrated) Woman

Turns out, I'm a total fashion blogging failure, because I had no advice for her (well, besides "quit your job immediately and develop a perfume guide and then split the profits with me"). Therefore, it was the least I could do to give her a clever pseudonym (and by "clever," I mean, "not clever") and open up this question to you, my brilliant, sweet-smelling, beauty-savvy readers.


So, does a magical perfume guide like this exist? Do you have a strategy for braving the perfume section and emerging successful/happy/able to use your nose? Are you enough of a perfume expert yourself that you'd be able to take these clues (enjoys Ralph Lauren Romance, sweats often) and suggest some specific alternatives? And if so, do you do parties?

Spill your perfume knowledge into the comments section just as I spilled an entire bottle of Claire's vanilla body spray into a pile of my favorite clothing in seventh grade and lost all my friends. That was the worst analogy ever, but you get the idea (I hope).

Overall, I'm Obsessed.

Instead of writing a post today, I went to Goodwill. And I bought overalls. And I love them.

Are you judging me right now?
	Yes.
	Nope.
	A little.
	I'm wearing overalls right now.

"Ma'am, do you have a permit to pitch your tent dress here?"

Just found out (the hard way) that no matter how much I love the silhouette, tent dresses are not for me.

I tried one on that was similar to this:


And I found out that with my big boobs and short stature, the garment name becomes depressingly literal: in seconds, I went from budding fashionista to utilitarian outdoor shelter for a small family.

I took it off quickly, worried that a park ranger might come by the Nordstrom dressing room and fine me for straying from the designated camping area.

Oh well, I'm more of a hotel girl anyway.

Theory "Viv" dress, Nordstrom.com

Don't Show-cha Your Chocha

So, a couple days ago, my friend Rachel sent me this picture, with the following commentary:

Hmm....I wonder why the model felt the need to cross her legs while wearing this "dress."

This observation gave me a hearty chortle, to be sure, but it also made me think: the current let's-pretend-normal-length-shirts-are-actually-mini-dresses epidemic has brought with it an unforeseen (but extremely entertaining) side effect: models attempting to look sexy, serious, and natural while striking the hilarious contortionist poses required to keep their lady bits covered in these so-called "dresses."

Ahem:



Call me crazy, but I think this concept is funny and widespread enough (see here and here) to turn into a new and extremely cleverly named feature, Don't Show-cha Your Chocha*. Assuming the trend lasts (and when has a trend ever not lasted?), there should be no shortage of material (Shopbop, in particular, seems to really enjoy putting their models in weirder and weirder poses with less and less fabric).

Don't Show-cha Your Chocha will acknowledge a wide range of efforts to stay decent. It will celebrate the rare successes, applaud the valiant attempts, and mock the awkward failures. I shall take it on as my duty to publicize these photos, as these poses may be the most creative thing coming out of the fashion industry at the moment (and that wasn't a dig at the industry, it was a compliment to these models), and some credit is due.

DSYC will also function as a venue to share the most egregious "Like hell that's a dress!" offenders. Because really, I dare you to sit down and not show-cha your chocha in this:


Like Daddy Likey itself, this feature would be nothing without you lovely readers. Next time you're scouring online shops or style sites, and you come across a "dress" with no sit-down option, or a fashion photo that makes you think, "Wow, if she moved an inch to the left, I'd be looking at porn," be sure to email it to me (daddylikeyblog@gmail.com) with or without commentary, and together, we'll recognize the great effort and bravery it now takes to keep the "mini dress" section PG.

*For those of you who are not schooled in Missy Elliott slang and/or haven't noticed the countless synonyms/euphemisms sprinkled throughout this post, chocha=female private region.

Top three dresses from Shopbop. Duh. Last one from Nordstrom.

Blogback Mountain

So, how many times have you been like, "Gosh, I really want to play football, but my ball doesn't have a giant, ostentatious, completely unnecessary Chanel logo on it, so I guess I won't play"? All the time?? Shut up! Me too! Not to worry though; Kingdom of Style has the fix.

Agathe at Style Bytes is going to have the most stylish wedding ever.

I called out Anthropologie. I warned J. Crew to lay off the crazy-ass prices. And did they listen? No. I guess most mega-CEOs don't read my blog after all...damnit. Anyway, Alison at Fashionista describes her shock and awe at finding a ripped up dress in the Anthro sale section. For $60. Sing it loud, sista, 'cause that ain't right.

Ambika at The Fray invested a measly $45 and became Rich and Skinny.

Waaaaayyy back when, I talked about my plan to wear nautical stripes until both the trend and boats become obsolete (maybe just read the post so that will make sense). Style Bubble says nautical style will never die, and she doesn't even mention personal flying machines. I am humbled.

Pulling off white tights is probably trickier, overall, than pulling out of Iraq. Omiru has a solution to the tights thing. I guess we're still screwed in Iraq.

Cutest. retro. poster. ever.

High Fashion Haiku: Total Bargain

If I had to say
one thing about this, I'd say,
"At least it's on sale."

Lewis Cho Jumpsuit, $123 (down from $207, sweet mother of jesus), nordstrom.com

Awww you came back!

I've probably retained like three of my readers since that shamefully long absence, but how is everybody? Good? Bitter? Substantially older?

Dreadfully sorry about the prolonged silence here at Daddy Likey, but my cold just wouldn't let up, and I'm actually just now learning to get up from a chair and put together coherent sentences again.

I spent my entire sick time switching off between reading Thom Hartmann's new book and watching seasons 1-3 of Newlyweds. This odd mingling of activities caused me to alternate between extreme depression about the state of affairs in this country, and even more extreme depression that Nick and Jessica didn't make it work. I really wish that last sentence was meant as a satirical summation of everything that is wrong in our society, but alas, I'm totally serious. They were so cute together and so obviously in love! Why???

Anyway, I've pulled myself together (mostly), and I plan to get a few posts up today to win back my diehard fans and maybe snag some new ones--speaking of which, have you told your friends how much Daddy Likey has changed your life? You should. If you do, and I meet you on the street one day, I will buy you ice cream.

Thanks for your patience, and here's to a healthy week!

Bleeegghhh.

Well, if you couldn't tell from the lack of posts and/or the frantic bitterness radiating from the page (I like to think this blog is like my twin--it shares my pain), it's finals week. And I'm really sick. Probably the best combo ever. Except maybe, like, pickled ginger and ice cream. But actually, that might be one of those weird combinations that seems horrible, but then they'd make it on Iron Chef, and the Japanese actress judge would giggle and be like, "Ooooooohhh! I am so surprised at the deliciousness of this dish! The pickled ginger goes with ice cream like sunlight and happiness!"


So yeah, I'm guessing being sick during finals week is worse.

I have a couple wonderful fashion queries in my inbox that I can't wait to answer, but for now, I have to write a paper, take a test, and blow my nose 70,000 times. I hope you all have a better day than I do, and I'll be back soon!

Breaking: Oxygen Intake Causes Explosive Booty

Today's mutilated and Mad Libbed fashion blurb comes from a Style.com feature (when you click for the full-length version, it's the fifth slide in) on how to get your legs in fine form for all the current high-hemline trends. Masterful work yet again, my friends:

To get legs as fierce as Bono's water bottles, women see New York proctologist Dr. Lisa Airan for a trio of bananas: elephants to remove puddles, sclerotheraphy to dance kittens, and--wait for it--Nasdat, a radiofrequency situation that strangles the skin on and around the nasal hairs without the jactation inherent in a surgical procedure. "This is going to sound really throbbing," she says, "but skin gets explosive around the booty as we get older, and people who take a lot of oxygen see more sagging." In other words, don't boogie without a fire hydrant. Another word to the wise: Sclerotherapy requires twenty-one treatments at month-long intervals, and patients must wear ravishing long black wool capes with green ribbon trim in between to vituperate the scars, which probably rules out those tiny Prada and Chanel butt cheeks. *


Oh, and how much are you loving "Don't boogie without a fire hydrant"? I feel like it could be an awesome, all-purpose phrase--the new "yada yada yada." It sounds a little like an uncomfortable euphemism for safe sex, no? To hell with all this abstinence-only sex ed, let's just break it down in a way the kids can understand: Don't boogie without a fire hydrant. God I should be president.

*If you're mega confused right now, please read the post below for context. And if you've been reading this blog for months, and you're still confused, then I can't help you. But thanks for your diligence.

When I Say "Fashion," You Say "Mad Libs!"

Well, I made it. I walked almost fourteen miles in the wind and rain on an hour of sleep and two extremely ill-advised apple fritters. Sorry for the blogging delay, but I've been so exhausted since that lil' ordeal that I've tried (and basically succeeded) to refrain from thinking at all this weekend. This worked out really well for the aggregate 17 hours I spent in bed reading Us Weekly, and not so well for the rest of the time I spent grading communication theories papers and completely blowing my well-honed "smart" facade--"Expectancy Violations Theory! That sounds lovely!"


Thanks so much for the encouraging comments, by the way (Emma--I plan to take your notion a step further and live my whole life as if I am simply striving for a vat of Nutella). And if you're one of my dear friends who left me a kind, understanding voicemail (Laila--oh my gosh congratulations!!), or an angry, impatient one (Joei--you're such a jackass but I love you anyway), know that I adore you and will call you within the next couple days as my brain slowly regenerates.

And now, it's time for a popular feature that doesn't require much brainpower or wit on my part, which I'm totally loving right now. Yes, it is time once again for Fashion Mad Libs!

If you are a cool kid who has read Daddy Likey for a while, you know the drill. And if you're a really cool kid you know that "you know the drill" in different color letters means that you can click on it to learn the drill. But basically, I make a list of words that I need filled in, and you, my smart, beautiful readers with suspiciously impressive vocabularies, fill them in one at a time in the comments section. When they're all completed, I'll plug them into a fashion blurb I've borrowed/plagiarized, and hilarity shall ensue. Sound good? Okay then:

1. Adjective
2. Celebrity
3. Noun
4. Type of Medical Professional
5. Plural Noun
6. Plural Noun
7. Plural Noun
8. Verb
9. Plural Noun
10. Science Fiction-y Word (you can choose one or make one up)
11. Noun
12. Verb
13. Noun
14. Body Part (plural)
15. Adjective
16. Adjective
17. Body Part
18. Something you take in
19. Verb
20. Noun
21. A Number
22. Adjective
23. Article of Clothing
24. Verb
25. Noun
26. Plural Noun

Be sure to do them in order and to write the number next to your word (example: 1. Ugly) to make things easier for me and your fellow Mad Libbers. Keep it (mostly) clean, have fun with it, and I'll post our masterpiece soon after that last Plural Noun is filled in.

And now I'm off...striving for Nutella.

Thirteen Miles of Asphalt and Muffin Top...

I can't do a real post right now because I'm walking a half marathon tomorrow at 7am. This is a problem because:

1. It's currently 1:30 am.
2. I forgot to train. Like, at all.
3. I neglected to wash my cool exercise outfit, meaning I will probably be walking in these horrible Everlast biking shorts my grandma gave me in 8th grade that didn't accommodate my belly even then. But perhaps my sartorial disaster will make me a lovable underdog of sorts as thousands of fans chant "Muffin Top! Muffin Top!" when I cross the finish line.
4. I just ate two apple fritters. Soooo not going to help that whole "Muffin Top" thing.

I'm going to try to get a Fashion Mad Libs up by later tonight, but for right now, pray for me, dear friends, pray for me.

The Inimitable Scribe, Stefani

This dress is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S:


You know, it's funny. As much as we study classic literature, effective syntax, and the beautiful nuances of the English language, as much as we laud the talents of Shakespeare and Twain and Faulkner, sometimes a couple lines from Hollaback Girl is all we need.

Banana print dress, See by Chloe, $108 on sale, netaporter.com

Speaking of Men Speaking of Fashion...

I recently received this email, and I thought it was such an interesting perspective that I had to share it with you:

Hi Winona,
I just ran into your blog and the first article I read was "I love your shoes" and I for one am a man who loves shoes. Ballet flats, kitten heels, peep toe pumps, polka dot espadrilles with open toes and ankle straps. Stiletto heeled FM pumps, sling backs, wedges, stripper shoes, pointy toed, and round toed. It's all good. I think guys are embarrassed to compliment a woman on her shoes because it shows that he is noticing the details of how a woman dresses and we aren't supposed to notice that. Some people may think I'm shy because when I walk past a woman I always look down but the reason is because I'm checking out out her shoes. Shoes tell a lot about a person and I tend to size up someone by the shoes. I try not to judge. but I can't help it. It's fun trying to figure out a stranger by her shoes. I think one of the things women take for granted is that they can have a gazillion pairs of shoes and not have to explain why.

The man's got a point, no?

Five Men's Fashion First Impressions: The Comeback

Today's installment of FMFFI goes out to Connie, who was kind enough to send me an email requesting the return of the Five Men (I don't really know why they had a little hiatus--maybe cuz they all have major attitudes and kept telling me to "Go away! I'm not feeling witty right now! I need some Tums!") and alerting me to the existence of these boots:

Duccio Del Duca, $259 down from $650, bluefly.com

Umm...er...well...jesus...I think I'll just let the men take it from here. They were all quite chatty (and vitriolic) tonight. I probably shouldn't have told them about the whole "adoring fans" thing. They've turned into divas. Anyway:

The Boyfriend, who, to his credit, had been up for twenty hours straight: (Eyes widen) What the hell? Wait...What is that? Is that fur on the front? (Makes a few sad puns about lion feet) Can you just make it funny for me?

The Father: Are these real? Is this real? (Points to the fur, suspicious) The photo looks doctored here...(I assure him that the picture is indeed real) They look like somebody put them together with a glue gun and gave 'em to Goodwill. They're just ugly and dumb, with an emphasis on "dumb."

Brother, age 17: First thought? The bear shoes they make in The Edge, starring Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin.

Brother, age 11: It looks like someone pasted a bunch of rotten popcorn onto a piece of leather and put a piece of wood on it to make it a shoe...I'm not quite sure how to phrase that.

Brother, age 20: Many problems here--I don't know where they got that fur but it still has blood and dirt on it. Maybe they should clean it before putting it on some shoes. Plus it is obviously from a rat. Also, I really don't appreciate having a fall/winter item posted for June. But anyway, personally I wouldn't go for the low top and the tall heel (especially this season). I would choose a smaller heel for a sportier look and a different leather cut. Overall: Zero out of Ten for being worthless shit

Okay, then.

Thanks Connie!

When Martin's Hearing Fails Him

I was checking out the goods in a primo dumpster downtown when a construction worker yelled "Check out the snack in that tinfoil!"

I looked up, expecting a miraculous sighting of roast beef leftovers, but all I saw was a girl wearing this:


I guess he must have said something else.

XOXO,
Martin

Lame (is it telling that my computer won't do the accent mark and so "lah-may" comes out as just, "lame"?) Rouched Front Tube Bra, $14, American Apparel.

Five More Questions

The lovely Meg at Faking Good Breeding tagged me for this little survey a few days ago. The last time I filled out one of these, I wrote an introduction that included a fairly detailed analogy about STD trees. This time, I'm gonna skip the chlamydia and get right to the good stuff (and wow, if I had a nickel for every time I've used that phrase...)

1. What book is currently on your nightstand?

Well, I just bought Full Frontal Feminism as a gift for someone, but then I accidentally opened it and read half of it and now she can't have it until I'm done. God I'm a bad friend.


I also recently finished Leave The Building Quickly, which you'll probably like if you like my writing style. My mom was originally drawn to it because of the silly floating dog on the cover, but then she read a few sentences, became convinced that I had published a book under a pseudonym, and bought it in order to confront me. Sadly, this was untrue. But the book was funny.

2. Who are your personal heroes or role models?

My parents--for being stable enough to not screw me up, but weird enough to provide me with endless material.

My boyfriend--for getting through a lot of bad shit and coming out the other side a better person than I'll ever be.

David Sedaris--If only we could all write so funny and be so rich (and by "we," I mean, "I").

3. How do you relieve stress?

Being active is great--taking a walk, dancing, lifting weights, playing catch. But eating a whole bunch of ice cream and watching Elimidate is better.

4. What music do you like?

Let's see...I love oldies the most, but also rock, 80's, and embarrassing pop (I use "embarrassing" as a quantifier here because my friend Rachel would want me to, but really, I'm not embarrassed--Fergie 4 Lyfe!).


Here are my top 3 songs for summer driving:

David Bowie--Suffragette City
The Knack--My Sharona
The Kinks--You Really Got Me

5. What personal care product can't you live without?


St. Ive's Apricot Scrub. It's mega-exfoliating, so you're only supposed to use it 3 times a week, but I'm a badass so I use it everyday. And oh boy does my defiance pay off.


I would like to tag The Queens, Ambika, Joei, and Robin. Also, anyone who's bored at work (or school or home) right now. Waste a little time (who's gonna notice, really?) and fill it out yourself in the comments section!