I have a major issue with resort collections. Namely, I can never afford the clothes or the trip needed in order to wear the clothes, and therefore they only make me feel poor and cold. As soon as the temperatures drop and the snow and freezing rain starts, major floorspace in major stores becomes dedicated to flowy halter tops and bikinis and $200 sandals. Meanwhile, all of us normal, yachtless people must walk by these bright-colored fabric odes to sun and leisure on our way to try to find some waterproof grey wool socks on sale. This is true injustice, my friends.
That is why I am dedicating the Daddy Likey Un-Resort Collection 2006 to everyone who is not on holiday in St. Barth's right now (and especially to everyone who, like me, has no idea how to pronounce "St. Barth's"). These are clothes that you couldn't wear on a tropical holiday unless you were a boxer trying to lose water weight before a big match. Clothes that make sense. Because it's winter.
Let's start with a down comforte- I mean, coat.
I have never owned a coat like this, but every time I go shopping, I try one on, and every time someone walks into class wearing one, I go sit by them and "accidentally" fall asleep on their shoulder, nuzzling up to them and soaking in the sweet, sweet warmth. I should probably stop doing that. Here's why I love these coats: If you wrapped an actual down comforter around yourself and went out in public, people would probably avoid eye contact, maybe toss you some change, and the police would try to put you in a camp on the other side of the river, but if you wear this coat out in public, you'll be just as comfy and warm without being forcefully placed in a tent with a guy called Crazy Eye Jones. That's always good.
Larry Levine Long Quilted Coat, $110, nordstrom.com
Okay, so I'm really not a fan of thermal underwear worn as pants (my weariness of this trend was confirmed when Mischa Barton was photographed in a pair having a bit of a menstrual incident--the horror!), but when I'm waiting for public transportation in a tunnel that could easily double as a meat freezer, I'm a huge fan of thermal underwear worn as they should be--under pants.
I also really like the idea of the thermal underwear under my pants being super cute. It feels kind of deviant. Yep, heart print thermal underwear under my jeans. I'm a badass. If you ignore the fact that this mannequin kind of looks like it has a male appendage (Bluefly's irresponsible use of mannequins will be the subject of an upcoming post for sure, right Ms. Rachel P.?), the thermals are really cute and there are many other designs to choose from.
Priorities grey thermal heart pants, $31, bluefly.com
Next in our Un-Resort Collection, we will need a very warm hat. Aha!
Don't worry, none of Martin's family members were hurt for the lining of this hat.
Quilted rabbit trapper, Hat Attack, $83, girlshop.com
Usually I am so not one for sensible footwear. In fact, I often wear crocheted flats during rainstorms, which is dumb, but I can't bring myself to buy whatever the hell kind of shoe you're actually supposed to wear in the wet cold. Then I saw these over at Ma Petite Chou, and my life will never be the same:
These would work in the snow, the rain, acid rain, lava, anything. Look at the puffiness! The traction! The fuzzy insides! The crisp white outside! I know what you're thinking--"If you love 'em so much, why don't you marry 'em?" I'm getting the paperwork in order, thanks.
Women's Snowparadise (they also have them for men, Ronaldo), $100, shopadidas.com
There you have it, the first segment of the Daddy Likey Un-Resort Collection 2006. I will probably add something (gloves, socks, scarves, woodstoves, etc.) to this after every time I run into Nordstrom desperate to escape an Oregon downpour only to find my soggy self face-to-face with a rack of bikinis labeled "Rich People Only, Please." And trust me, that happens quite often.