The way I feel about opaque black tights is the way Rachael Ray feels about chicken stock: add it to anything, even, like, chocolate cake, and it makes it better. I adore black tights. They make your legs look skinny, they kind of keep you warm (well, at least that's what I tell my dad when he demands to know why I'm wearing a mini-skirt and tights in December instead of his highly recommended plaid flannel-lined L.L. Bean jeans), they can look fabulously mod or European-chic, and you can add them to anything, even, like, flannel-lined L.L. Bean jeans, and they make it better.
Perhaps you've noticed that pretty much all of the hypothetical outfits I wax poetic about on this blog involve opaque black tights. In fact, I would totally bring in a new contributor to join Martin and work the Daddy Likey opaque black tights beat, but sadly, I can't think of any cute furry animals with an affinity for hosiery. I guess I'll have to do this post myself, damnit.
So, I'm never really sure if buying designer hosiery is like buying designer paint colors (I have yet to hear of someone walking into a friend's kitchen and exclaiming "Oh! What a lovely shade of white! Is that Ralph Lauren?"). That being said, I've never had a friend look at my tights and say "Oh! What a lovely shade of basic opaque black! Are those DKNY?", but I've always had really good luck with that brand. Here's a picture of them. You can totally tell they're designer, right?
I don't want you guys to stage a massive boycott due to my only advocating designer tights, so let me add that I've also heard great things about Target's generic brand tights and I have many a pair from Fred Meyer that have served me well. But I do love my DKNY.
My love for hosiery does not only concern opaque black, my friends. There are so many amazing colors and textures and designs, like these:
We Love Colors has one of the best collections of tights (and one of the most to-the-point names) I've ever seen. In addition to some very cool patterns, they have 45 different solid colors (not all of them are crazy hot pink, I swear), all the colors come in plus sizes, and they're only $8 a pair. I would wear these pink ones with a black mini dress and the riding boots I raved about long, long ago that hopefully Santa will bring me. I also have to show you the outfit they put together on the website that is as gorgeous as great art:
Even if you're a more conservative dresser, don't you at least want to print out this picture and hang it on your wall? I do.
If you don't own a pair of sparkly tights, please get some. As soon as possible. Maybe these:
I got a pair very similar to these over a year ago, and I wore them so much that they're permanently dirty and full of holes and the crotch is saggy. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one, but these are surprisingly subtle. They sparkle most when the light hits them just right. They're incredible. And Martin loves them too (you do trust Martin, don't you?)
Silver or gold, $12.00, welovecolors.com
And I have to include these because they are called Milan Texture Tights and my amazingly chic Italian teacher actually wore this exact pattern and always looked, well, amazingly chic:
That's enough hosiery for the day. As the incredibly articulate boys in my high school class would have said if they saw this post like six years ago: "Tights are tight, dude." Well said, young men, well said.