Wednesday, October 11, 2006
There shall be locusts, darkness, festering boils and skinny jeans
About a week ago I went shopping with my boyfriend to try to find some slim black pants. And no, I didn't say "skinny." I said "slim." I think that if I tried to make that distinction to any major retailer this season, it would go like this:
"Do you have any slim black pants?"
"Skinny black pants?"
"No. Slim black pants."
"Skinny black pants?"
"No. Slim. Like, close-fitting, but not tapered and skintight."
"Ooohhh! Skinny pants. Yes we ha--"
Yes, it is clear that skinny jeans have emerged as the eleventh plague of Egypt, and my boyfriend Nick has been acting like a burdened Pharaoh. He hates skinny jeans with a burning passion, so as soon as we arrived at the store I grabbed a pair and ran into the dressing room to torture him. The pair I grabbed were black and way more expensive than they looked, and when I came out to show him, something really weird happened. He said, "Jesus. Those actually look really good." I checked to make sure his pupils weren't dilated and then looked in the mirror. He was right. I was actually considering buying them until we realized that when I walked they made the same sound as the nurse's pants when she walks down the hall in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
So I did something foolish. I got cocky. I took the fashion fluke of that first pair to mean that skinny jeans totally worked on me, despite my short legs and big thighs and basically every flashing red warning sign for me to steer way clear of this trend. I went into another store and picked out a pair of cheap light grey ones from the junior's department.
Oh. my. god.
Let me just say, the resemblance between myself and this woman in her before picture from a What Not To Wear episode of Oprah was both striking and extremely troubling.
I left those pants on the floor of the dressing room (usually I'm a much better customer than that but these were so bad that they really deserved the dramatic abandonment) and got the hell out of there.
And I still haven't found slim black pants.
If, unlike me, you actually can wear skinny jeans (and if you can, then by all means do because they can be totally badass) the ones at the top are from girlshop.com