I have the best eyebrows in America.

Not to brag or anything. Okay, let me explain. As a natural blonde, my eyebrows only make an appearance when a ray of sunlight hits them just right or the person trying to observe them is using a jeweler's glass--they are blonde. So I tint the bitches.

The greatest day of my life was the day I discovered Najy, an Iranian Eyebrow Master (god I wish that was actually her formal title) who was the first eyebrow tinter to believe me when I said I wanted my eyebrows a dark dark dark almost black dark brown. All my tinters before her had given me a "Sure you do, honey," look and proceeded to tint my eyebrows a boring light brown that lasted for like a week. But Najy understands me; she knows that I love blonde hair and dark brows a la Marilyn Monroe, and she knows it looks fabulous.


The best thing about Najy, though, is how she lavishes me with praise during the tinting process. Between insights about the Iranian political climate (which I like to repeat haughtily during political discussions, only to have my credibility blown with the admission that I learned it from my eyebrow tinter), she says things like "Ooohh! You do such a nice job on your eyebrows!" and "Women in America always make their eyebrows so small! It looks very bad! But you, you have just the greatest eyebrows of any American I've ever seen." Even better, she talks in this dreamy voice with an Iranian accent so everything she says sounds really profound. You know how James Earl Jones could say "I'll go with the chicken caesar," and it would make an entire restaurant go silent except for maybe one waiter who drops a fork because he's so stunned and everybody would just take a minute to nod slowly and repeat it to themselves--"'I'll have the chicken caesar.'...my god."? Jesus it must be annoying for James Earl Jones to go out to lunch.
But anyway, Najy has that same quality. Everything she says makes you go "wow." You just believe her.

And she says I have the best eyebrows in America. So you see? It must be true.