Top Notes of Leaves of Grass, by Walt Whitman

Describing fragrances for sale online has got to be the greatest writing gig out there. In what other job do you get to use an exorbitant amount of adjectives and create completely nonsensical metaphors with no chance of going overboard or being wrong? I may poke fun because I'm jealous, but really, these people are poets, and their talents should be celebrated accordingly.

This is an excerpt from Sephora's description of Narciso Rodriguez "For Her":

This fragrant harmony develops gently and slowly, sounding out into the warm tones of sun-kissed skin, dusted in a soft, velvety sensuality.

What's that you say? There is absolutely no description of what the $62-an-ounce perfume actually smells like? Quiet now, you anti-syntacticist, you! Perhaps you didn't notice the masterful wordplay, the music metaphor that runs throughout, making the words dance off the website and waltz into your nose? When writing is this good, you can smell it. Perhaps you just don't have the nose for it. And may I also remind you that we're talking about perfume here, so how it smells is really a minor issue.

Here's one about Michael Kors's "Michael Kors" perfume (at least the description is more original than the name):

A fragrant creation with a wealth of personality that will capture the heart of every woman.

A fragrant perfume! You know, I went to Nordstrom the other day and the designated scent-sniper sprayed me with basically every perfume they had, but I just had to be straight with her. I said, "These are really nice and everything, but I'm looking for something a little more...fragrant."

Perhaps the most masterful work on Sephora.com, however, is as follows:

Vera Wang Sheer Veil is a celebration of sheer femininity that sparkles with a touch of spontaneity, and a mood that illuminates with sparkling clarity and a lightness of heart. The fragrance has a floral fluidity that drapes the skin, revealing rather than concealing - allowing a woman's radiance to shine through.

Is anyone else seeing hints of pre-depression Plath here? Brilliant!

Alright, alright, let's be honest. If you're gonna buy perfume online, you just choose the cutest bottle. I vote for this one:

And look! It says, "Miss Dior Cherie combines pure couture spirit with the audacity of youthful, playful notes." I am both audacious and youthful. My spirit is definitely pure couture. This must be the perfume for me! I'll go get my card, hang on.